Mike Hunt...is shaking with anticipation...is sweating in the presence of Barry Bonds...cannot write a coherant column because he is in fact, a cunt

We here at YCS have had our fair share of laughs at the expense of mainstream media trying to cover small market teams, but you know what's waaaaaaaaaay funnier? Small market media coverage of mainstream stories. To be more specific, small market, sweaty journalists with a fourth-grade education and a hilarious name working for a shitty newspaper, writing an even shittier column on mainstream stories.

And thus I bring you to the latest installment of our special Milwaukee series, "Can you believe this second-rate columnist's parents actually named him Michael Hunt?" Comedic gold.

There is no video on this one. I apologize, though I'm really saving you from some horrible images that would later have to be burned out of your mind with some sort of ritual involving the blood of a virgin.

Now, you know the column is going to be a gem when he starts out with this longwinded...um, I don't know, can you call it a joke?

If you happened to be sitting outside the Miller Park foul poles Thursday it was hard to keep your eyes off the left-field wall, but not because of anything Geoff Jenkins or EricByrnes were doing in the course of their daily responsibilities.
Do you see where he's going with this one? Me neither.
That's where the San Francisco-Chicago score was being periodically flashed for the benefit of the morbidly curious, except that someone from stadium maintenance neglected to affix skull-and-crossbones stickers as a warning of the area's toxicity.
um...still not making much sense. If I weren't out to ridicule you, I would have stopped reading by now.
You looked for the same reason you can't avert your gaze from a highway pileup or a Journey music video. To cite the apocalyptic Col.Kurtz, "The horror . . . the horror."
JESUS FU-...Okay, has anyone ever explained to you the concept of 'hooking' the reader? Has anyone ever explained to you that it's horrible journalism to string something out...and out...and out...and to do so in THE FUCKING LEAD? We're three paragraphs in and no logical being could possibly understand what you're babbling about. Forchrist's sake, why the hell do they make us take any journalism classes at all, if this is what is considered the best sports writing in the city of Milwaukee?
The Cubs . . . or Barry Bonds?
I'm sorry. What?
That's almost like being asked to choose between Yi Jianlian's reps and Drew Rosenhaus.
What?
Michael Vick and Vlad the Impaler.
WHAT?
Tony Montana and Tony Soprano.
You ate paint chips as a child, didn't you?

Now, you might think that this is an article about a hypothetical debate within Mike Hunt's mind over which is worse, Bonds or the Cubs. (Kind of like "Who's Now?" except no televisions get beer bottles thrown at them). But you, logical reader who has come to understand the basic concept of column writing, could not be more wrong.

He quickly answers that question, which remember he has spent the first 144 words leading up to, by saying that if you had to choose, you would take Barry. Not because the Cubs are the Brewers only legitimate challenge to the division crown. No, because Cubs fans puke in our parking lot and act like jerks. Okay, let's move on. Hope you enjoyed wasting five minutes of your life to follow Hunt's path to a dead end. So, whoops, back up. Quick, write a seamless transition into what you really want to talk about.

Anyway, Bonds may even be more receptive than your average Cubs fan to an entreaty for civility among baseball's most polite assembly:

Just don't do it here, Barry.

Note to anyone trying to become a legitimate journalist. If you find yourself starting a paragraph with the great tangent-follower, "Anyway..." go back and delete the last three graphs. At least. Actually, you're probably better off starting over. Not the column. Your career. Try something that doesn't involve writing.

And now that we've actually gotten to the "point" of the column, it was better off going down the Bonds vs. Cubs trail. Anyone who thinks that Bonds is going to break the record, or even tie the record, on the road, is insane. Now I'm not going to go over all the reasons that this is a dumb idea for a column, fueled by even dumber arguments. If you want to make yourself laugh and gag at the same time, read it for yourself.

I just want to counter that horrible opening with an even more horrible ending.

Maybe this could be averted if Bonds hits No. 754 tonight. Maybe then the Giants would sit him the rest of the series.
Then why did you write this column? Really, with Yi holding out, but maybe not holding out...Adam Dunn trade rumors swirling and dying in the span of a day...Matt Wise getting his second career hit...and the very-soon-to-be home run king coming to your city...THIS was the best story idea you could come up with. And then, at the very end of the column, you mention that there is a POSSIBILITY that Bonds would sit if he got within one home run of the record, a very likely possibility. So your whole column was pointless. Except of course as one hell of an example of terrible journalism. I can't wait to see how you wrap this one up.
Just a thought. Anywhere but here on Henry's turf.
Ah, I see you chose the two-sentances-that-have-no-connection-to-each-other route. Very nice. Seriously, I applaud your ability to cap such a shitstorm with a non-conclusion that doesn't even make sense. Do you just throw sentances into a hat and randomly select their order?

This is where I would conclude with another Mike Hunt joke, but he has finally overshadowed his name with what might possibly be the worst column ever printed in an actual newspaper. As a writer and a Milwaukee native, I am truly embarrassed. I think I will crawl into my bed and slowly rock back and forth until I lose consciousness.