Showing posts with label Tiger Woods. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tiger Woods. Show all posts
A human brain at work (in case you forget)
>> Sunday
Alright, let's get right to this.
BEST DRESSED:
Ellen Page. Simple, lovely, and sparkly! I know I'd impregnate her if I had the chance. A-plus, Juno.
Sean Combs. Classy and sophisticated. So surprising from a black man.
WORST:
Cate Blanchett. Academy Award nominee or German barmaid? Yuck!
Ok, done with the silly ruse. Actually, what brought me on here was this teaser for an upcoming SportsCenter segment (paraphrased):
"How dominant has Tiger Woods become? Who's dominated more--Tiger or Michael Jordan? Michael Wilbon weighs in!"
Wow, creative. Controversial subject. Very important. Worth a thoughtful answer. I missed Wilbon's answer, but I'm guessing it went something like this:
"It depends what you mean by 'dominate.' If you're asking which player is, or was, better at his sport relative to his contemporaries, I'm not sure anyone can answer that. After all, basketball is a team sport where a player's individual contributions are inseparable from those of his teammates, whereas golf is a sport where one's accomplishments are dictated, almost entirely, by his own limitations. Even if we were able to accurately evaluate an NBA player's accomplishments independent of the team dynamic, the question of "dominance" is complicated by the fact that NBA players offer varied skill sets, each rendering a different role--and therefore, different objectives--within the team dynamic. On the other hand, every golfer has an identical objective: get the ball in the hole with the least amount of strokes. And we still haven't addressed the issue of the two sports' talent curves and how they compare with one another at various points within the two men's careers. With all this in mind, shouldn't we spend our time on a resolvable debate? Or at least one that can better our understanding of sports? Or better our understanding of something more important than sports? Or for God's sake, at least something that doesn't seem so cliched? Working at this network has made it harder and harder for me to respect myself."
No, wait. His answer would be nothing like that. More like:
"I'm from Chicago, so it's hard to say anyone is better than MJ at anything because I'm from Chicago. But--and I can't believe I'm saying this because I'm from Chicago and grew up worshiping MJ--I think Tiger is more dominant! He has 63 career tournament wins! MJ had just six championships! Those numbers have a huge arithmetic difference--the only fair way to compare any two numbers in sports, by the way--so I don't see how you could argue against, which is so hard for me to say because I'm from Chicago and love MJ. I love having these debates, though, because they're fun and get my face on TV, and like any good American would do, I willingly trade my journalistic integrity for celebrity on a daily basis. So... Tiger! Now you know the answer."
Honestly... What kind of society do we live in that people earn money, respect, and huge stage for hashing out nonsense questions and where people like me have the time and a forum to critique it? It makes me sick. I make me sick. We need a good plague or famine--not like the kind government aid can cover but the kind that brought civilaztions to their knees--to get back some semblance of sanity. Thank God for these diversions. Thank God for the reassurance of a resolute voice rich in testosterone telling us that these trivial things matter and that everything is hunky dory as long as we work hard and play hard. And we believe him because subconsciously, we see him as a protector and a rock of strength when the truth is, they'll be the first to cannibalize the weak when that famine does hit.
MYOB, chump
>> Friday
Message to Jim Brown: You are not the moral conscience of every single black man who has ever played a sport.
I'm a day late posting on this subject, but in case you didn't hear about it, Jim Brown had this to say about the Tiger Woods "lynch" comment:
"He should have come out right away. Instead, he waited until it was politically correct [to comment]," Brown said.
Or maybe he waited to comment until he had given himself time to deliberate how he should respond. Maybe Tiger wanted to first give someone, whom he considers a good acquaintance, the chance to apologize and explain her intentions before publicly smearing her. Maybe Tiger Woods is not, in fact, the same person as Jim Brown and chooses to deal with controversy in a calculated, non-confrontational way.
Being an awesome golfer does not require Tiger Woods to play defender of the entire black population of the United States. Have you ever heard of the term, "above the fray," Jim Brown?
If you ask me, Tiger Woods has done something pretty remarkable for racial progress. Consider that he's absolutely revered within the world of golf--the most lily-white of all whiteman's pursuits--and he's reached that point, in part, because he's carried himself humbly and quietly and let his excellence in golf speak for itself. He has reached this point, in part, because he does not believe that his golf prowess necessarily transcends him to the role of social or political spokesperson.
Tiger Woods is worth millions--not just to himself but to many other entities with a financial stake in how he performs and, for better or worse, how he conducts himself. And guess what--he'd have probably never become so successful had he spewed Sharpton-esque nonsense everytime he had to the chance to speak on a racial issue or played race victim everytime things when wrong for him on the Tour or turned defensive and bitter when Fuzzy Zoeller vilely and personally insulted him in 1997.
Does he measure his words and stray from controversy in the public eye? Of course. But how dare you, Jim Brown, imply that it's all self-interested PR squeamishness. Maybe Tiger Woods feels a responsibility to those people who are financially invested in him. Or maybe that's just who Tiger Woods is as a person, power and money notwithstanding. Would that be such a horrible thing?
Please, Jim Brown, mind your own damned business, you sanctimonious ass.
(P.S.: Don't mistake this post for me actually caring about golf. I still don't.)
Extended Bill Simmons-esque analogy, minus the pop culture, plus stage direction
>> Saturday
If there's been one story these last few weeks that interests me the least, I think it had to be Tigerlynchmobnoosegate. To be perfectly honest, these stories have become so common and so unbearably formulaic that I just can't bring myself to care. Offensive comment--> Prominent racial activist response--> Jibber-jabber--> Apology--> Jibber-jabber dissecting the apology--> Suspension/firing--> More jibber-jabber--> Everyone forgets.
But this time, it had to do with golf. And somehow, that's always more fun for me. I guess it's because I hate golf, golfers, golf courses (what fantastic wastes of natural resources), people who wear golf shirts on or off the course, and "golf people" in a general sense. Basically--Fuck you, golf.
Oops... Before I go any further, warning labels:
ACHTUNG! ABOUT GOLF
ACHTUNG! OFFENSIVE (?)
ACHTUNG! POORLY CONCEIVED AND EXECUTED
But it's not only that I hate golf. I hate that "it"--being the golf establishment or some other nebulous entity--attempts to uphold that sense of unalterable purity and prestige, especially when its demons are nagging it the most. It reminds me of one of those families that tries to convince both themselves and the outside world of their perfectly happy existence when they are, in reality, fucked up beyond repair. Observe:
Faldo suggested that "to take Tiger on, maybe they should just gang up [on him] for a while."
"Lynch him in a back alley," Tilghman said, laughing.
Scene: Formal dining room, large family holiday gathering.
Super-cheerful uncle: Honey? Would you pass me the rolls?
His equally-cheerful wife: Of course!
Concerned, super-religious aunt: Everything is delicious.
[scattered murmers of agreement followed by an extended silence]
Concerned aunt: I'm worried how we're going to take care of Aunt Martha when she leaves the hospital.
Her radical, slightly goth daughter in late teens: She's 78. Why don't you just euthanize her.
[Utensils drop to plates; a few family members start choking]
"If I got on this show and said I wanted to put some Jewish-American in a gas chamber, I don't care what context I said it in, the entire Jewish community would have the right to say I should be put off this show or my radio show if I said it there," Sharpton told CNN. "Or if I said I wanted to see a woman raped. This is an insult to all blacks. Lynching is not murder in general; it is not assault in general. It is a specific racial term."
Humorless great-uncle: How dare you ever talk about my sister-in-law like that! People who believe in things like that are sick! You're sick to think something like that! How would you have liked it if your parents said, "Lock her in the nuthouse," when you had that nervous breakdown? Come to think of it, maybe they should have!
Goth girl: Oh, go fuck yourself, hypocrite! [stroms from the dining room]
Humorless great-uncle: Don't use that word in my presence, missy!
Woods' agent, Mark Steinberg of IMG, released a statement saying, "This story is a non-issue. Tiger and Kelly are friends and Tiger has a great deal of respect for Kelly. Regardless of the choice of words used, we know unequivocally that there was no ill intent in her comments. This story is a non-issue in our eyes."
Amicable, calm-mannered grandfather: Aw... Come on now. You know how young kids are these days. She's always loved and respected my sister. Young people just say things sometimes.
"There was no ill intent at all," Funk said, according to The Associated Press. "I think it was just a slip, and they said that Tiger has already forgiven her. I think when you're in the TV tower for that many hours, you're going to wish you didn't say some things probably, and that was one thing that slipped out. I think you've got to give them a little grace."
The "chill" uncle: Yeah... You know... That's who she is. She likes to say things that are a little controversial sometimes. You know, she's probably used to being around her friends who'd find that funny, and she just forgot who she was around for a second and just let it out. Don't be so hard on the girl.
"The Golf Channel regrets the poorly chosen remarks made by Kelly Tilghman on a recent broadcast and, again, extends our apologies to anyone who was offended. There is simply no place on our network for offensive language like this. While we believe that Kelly's choice of words was inadvertent and that she did not intend them in an offensive manner, the words were hurtful and grossly inappropriate. Consequently, we have decided to suspend Kelly for two weeks, effective immediately."
Concerned Aunt: Oh! I'm so horrified! I can't believe she said that! I'm so sorry dad... [starting to cry] I don't know how she got like this! I never taught her these things at home. What did I do worng all these years? [composed again] Well, I know one thing--she's grounded.
Golfweek Magazine, as part of a package of stories on the controversy involving Golf Channel anchor Kelly Tilghman's comment that players should "lynch [Tiger Woods] in a back alley," used the image of a noose on the cover of its Jan. 19 issue.
In an editorial in the magazine, the editors wrote: "Like it or not, Tilghman's 'Lynch him in a back alley' remark about Tiger Woods was national news. The debate about the severity of her punishment -- at this writing a two-week suspension -- fueled heated debate on Web sites, in newspapers and on national TV. The furor begs rational analysis."
"Chill" uncle: First of all, how do you ground a 19 year-old? Second of all, maybe we should listen to her once in a while. Maybe some of her opinions don't fit in with your dreams of the prim-and-proper nuclear family with Hallmark-style holidays, but that doesn't mean we should shoot them down. Maybe people in this country do need to have serious dialogue about euthanasia, or at least the values and tough decisions that an aging Baby-Boomer generation will force us all to examine.
"Clearly, what Kelly said was inappropriate and unfortunate, and she obviously regrets her choice of words," Finchem said in a statement. "But we consider Golfweek's imagery of a swinging noose on its cover to be outrageous and irresponsible. It smacks of tabloid journalism. It was a naked attempt to inflame and keep alive an incident that was heading to an appropriate conclusion."
Humorless great-uncle: How can you defend her?! What she said was bad enough, but she's sick in the head and has no morals. You should know better!
"Chill" uncle: I'm not trying to defend her, you self-righteous bore. I'm just saying that maybe this family should talk about these things once in a while instead of pretending that everything's fine all the time when it's not.
Anal retentive aunt: We were having a perfectly fine holiday until that girl had to open her mouth. Eveyone in this family agrees that she was wrong, and things were about to be fine again if you could just drop it!
"Jack was not speaking on behalf of the PGA Tour," spokesman Ty Votaw said Friday. "I can categorically tell you the PGA Tour has not threatened any advertising pull."
Typically-shy cousin: Wait... I'm part of this family too, and I can think for my--
"Most people who are objecting to it -- within the golf industry -- are saying this episode was just about over," Seanor said. "I think it's indicative of how, when you bring race and golf into the same sentence, everyone recoils."
"Chill" uncle: Fine? How can you say it's fine? It's never been fine. Why do you think the girl turned into such a rebel in the first place? You think that cynicism has nothing to do with this family? [turning to the concerned aunt] You couldn't fool your daughter with your perfect-family crap all these years, and now she's psychologically damaged. You finally have a chance to confront these issues and--possibly--salvage your relationship with your daughter... and you ground her?
"If we stopped the train every time somebody made a dumb remark that is potentially offensive," he is quoted as saying, "we'd never progress as a society."
"I wish we could have come up with something that made the same statement but didn't create as much negative reaction," he said. "But as this has unfolded, I'm glad there's dialogue. Let's talk about this, and the lack of diversity in golf."
"Chill" uncle: Look... What she said gave us a chance to address some tough issues that are gonna face this family in the near future and--not only that--a chance to sort out some major issues in this family. But you know what? If you wanna spend the rest of your life sneaking off to the guest bedroom closet with your bottle of vodka, knowing that your daughter will never speak to you again, be my guest. I don't really care.
Ten days after a Golf Channel anchor was suspended for her use of "lynch" in commentary on Tiger Woods, an editor was fired Friday for illustrating the controversy with a noose on the cover of Golfweek magazine.
Strong matriarchal figure: [to "chill" uncle] I think should leave now.
"Chill" uncle: Yes, mother. [walks out the front door]
"We apologize for creating this graphic cover that received extreme negative reaction from consumers, subscribers and advertisers across the country," Turnstile Publishing Co. president William P. Kupper Jr. said. "We were trying to convey the controversial issues with a strong and provocative graphic image. It is now obvious that the overall reaction to our cover deeply offended many people. For that, we are deeply apologetic."
Storng matriarchal figure: I'm so sorry to all of you the way my son acted. He means well, but he doesn't know when to stop himself sometimes.
Amicable grandfather: Hey, what was all this commotion I heard out here? I was on the crapper.
Anal-retentive aunt: We had to ask your nephew to leave.
Amicable grandfather: Over what the girl said?
Super-religious great-uncle: Yes.
Amicable grandfather: Sheesh! Leave the girl alone, already.
"We know we have a job ahead of us to re-earn the trust and confidence of many loyal readers," Babineau said. "Our staff is very passionate about the game. Our wish is that one regretful error does not erase more than 30 years of service we've dedicated to this industry."
Super-cheerful uncle: Well, now that we've got that mess all out of our way, let's all have dessert. We're not gonna let one little spat ruin another perfect holiday, are we?
Equally-cheerful wife: No, siree! Now who wants bundt cake?
What a country we live in... I tell ya
>> Monday
As I've lived without cable for the past month, the ESPN phenomenon / self-parody "Who's Now?" had existed entirely in the barbs of friends and bloggers until last night, when I caught the final results on the late SportsCenter. The announcement, disappointingly, was not the comedic, drawn-out affair I'd expected, but it was enough for me to lose respect for the following people: Tiger Woods for releasing an official statement thanking the fans for the "honor" and congratulating ESPN on the "cool" feature, Michael Wilbon (for whom my respect has long waned) for offering post-result commentary, and the handful of athletes and entertainers (Brady Quinn, LT, Jeff Gordon, Common, a few others I'm forgetting) for offering their pick of "Tiger" or "LeBron" to the ESPN cameras.
As for the 370,000+ people who dignified this farce with a vote, I am disgusted. That's 370,000 people that actually vested some interest--which is far, far too much interest--in the outcome of "Who's Now?" Piggybacking the whole "more people vote for American Idol than for the president" thing, only 205,000 people, by comparison, voted in the 2006 Alaska gubernatorial election. Granted, I'm comparing a population of 600,000 to the Xmillion people who watch ESPN daily, but still. Granted also, it's far easier to vote via online poll or text message or whatever ESPN used than to show up at a polling place, but still. Granted also, getting to a polling place in November in Alaska requires ten sled dogs and an Eskimo guide, but still.
And last of all, to the thousands of bloggers who've spent countless minutes of your short existence angrily ripping the "Who's Now?" segment--especially those of you joining the parade at the very end when the issue has long been beaten into the ground--I am most disgusted with you. You should seriously all go hang yourselves.
Disappointing Finish
>> Sunday
Another U.S. Open, another boring winner who no one in America really gives a damn about. It should have been a thrilling finish. The most talented golfer to ever tee it up poised to make a late Sunday charge. Trust me, I'm not a member of the Tiger Woods fan club. However, I was sitting there actually hoping we could have an entertaining finish by Tiger charging to victory or at least forcing a playoff. Instead, we see a good bunker shot run off diabolically quick greens and Tiger actually happy with having a 30 foot putt with insane break on the 18th to tie. Even Tiger could not realistically make up that one shot at another tricked out, unfairly difficult U.S. Open course. If anyone still doubts that the PGA Championship is not better and more entertaining than the U.S. Open, compare the last three winners of each.
U.S. Open-Angel Cabrera, Geoff Ogilvy, Michael Campbell
PGA Championship-Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Vijay Singh
What If: Phil Mickelson Wins the 2006 U.S. Open
>> Tuesday
After seeing it replayed multiple times on the Golf Channel recently(yes, I do fairly frequently tune to the Golf Channel), I always wonder what would have happened in the world of golf had Phil Mickelson won the 2006 U.S. Open. Before the monumental collapse at 18, Mickelson had won the previous two majors and looked like he would hold on to win his third. At the same time, Tiger was having a subpar season, although a lot of that could be the attributed to the illness and eventual death of his late father Earl Woods. Still, even with Vijay's brief run at the top of the World Golf Rankings in 2004, no one had seriously challenged Tiger's reign as the dominant figure in golf. Now, it looked like Phil, who always possessed the most complete besides Tiger, was on the cusp on putting a serious dent in Tiger's control. An awful drive, even poorer second shot and double-bogey later, and Phil was left to explain how he let go of that elusize U.S. Open title. Two months and two major wins later, and Tiger had left all doubt on who's number one to rest.
However, fast forward to today and we may be back on the verge of a Tiger-Phil showdown. Phil has hired Tiger's old swing coach, Butch Harmon, and now appears to be driving the golf ball better than he has in years. At his recent Players victory, Phil played the weekend from the middle of the fairway. Even while he was winning back-to-back majors in 2005-2006, Phil would often be miraculously extracting himself from awful situations and would avoid making a big numbers. During the final round of last year's fateful Open, Phil hit 2 fairways all day. The final hole collapse may have actually been a blessing in disguise, as it caused Phil to reevaluate his swing and eventually call on Butch Harmon, the best swing coach in the golfing world, to correct his flaws. Now, it looks like Phil may be more poised than even to make a serious run at Tiger.
In the end, the Winged Foot wreck may turn out to be a good thing for Phil. Winning there may have been fool's gold, as Phil has needed to address his driving problem for a long time. While he managed to reign the swing in some for his awesome 2004 season, his struggles have dated all the way back to when he purposely altered the swing during Tiger's first dominant run in order to gain distance. Now, he seems to be committed to finding fairways, even if that means giving up 10-15 yards off his drives. On the other hand, Tiger keeps on struggling with his driver and has to extract himself on far too many holes. While I would be crazy to predict a grand shift, do not count out Phil making a serious run at Tiger's perch at the top of the golf word.
Unnecessary Brutality
>> Friday
Warning for Vinnie: This is in fact a golf post. That said, it is a much more relevant sport to America than soccer and therefore can occupy one spot on our blog.
Apparently, the Masters has decided to take a cue from the U.S. Open and enjoys humiliating world class golfers to appease Old Man Par. What they have done is ruined the most enjoyable golf tournament by making it almost painful to watch. Like a Big Ten basketball game, my appreciation of the sport will keep me tuned in even if the overall play may be less than stellar. However, if I want to watch golfers scrambling all over the course and watching good shots turn out horribly, I'll take a trip to my local country club. What I want to watch is quality golf, with deserving shots meriting birdies and the occasional eagles. After Tiger shot a combined 35 under in 1998 and 2001, the members at Augusta National decided to fight back, lengthening the course to more than 7,400 and making the rough more penal. In short, they decided to "Tiger-Proof" it.
By making the course ridiculously long, they have made it nearly impossible to keep good shots on the green. The greens have always been insanely fast, but in the past golfers would have a fighting chance to hit a shot close because they would be using short enough clubs to allow them to control the ball. When you are hitting a 200 yard 4-iron into a fast green, the ball stands little chance of getting close barring a lucky bounce along the way. All of this has led to golfers scrambling for par like a U.S. Open, a goal I have long criticized the USGA for.
While technology allows golfers to hit the ball 20-30 yards further than years past, adding length to a course is not necessarily the answer. Especially at a course like Augusta National, the greens are not meant to hold long iron shots. A much better solution would be to decrease the width of fairways, putting a premium of driving the ball straight. While guys like Tiger and Phil Mickelson can hit the ball a mile, they often struggle with wayward tee shots. This could fairly punish them, while keeping the integrity of the golf course intact.
No, I do not want to see the Masters become the John Deere Classic where 25 under wins. What I want to see is what happened in years past: exciting birdies and eagles and the ability to make a back nine charge. The Masters looks to have lost some of the luster that set it apart from other majors. I hope the members at Augusta National work to rectify the situation in future years.
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