Two things on which Hugo Chavez and I agree:

1) Everything bad in the world is America's fault.

2) Golf is for jerks.

Seriously, golf is for jerks.

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Stadium Pal: The Next Generation

In the finest tradition of the Stadium Pal comes the Uro Club. Ridiculousness doubled by total lack of subtlety when product used as recommended, and by prominent use of a Digger Phelps look-a-like.

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Kick them out

While I have been known to give the Olympics a lot of crap for being a bunch of sports no one cares about outside of the Olympics (Gymnastics, Fencing, etc.) I more than appreciate what the Olympics are. However, despite the celebration of obscure sports like team handball and water polo, I think the Olympics could be better served by kicking some of the more mainstream sports out of the ring.

In my opinion, the Olympics should be the greatest stage of international competition in a given sport. This is why everyone remembers Michael Johnson winning gold in Atlanta 12 years ago, but hardly anyone remembers who took home the title at the next World Championships. With that, I would like to recommend the following sports be eliminated from the Olympic program.

Men's Soccer
Baseball
Tennis

For each of these sports, the fact remains that the Olympics are not the grandest scale for athletes to compete in international competition.

BASEBALL

Baseball has already been taken out of the rotation for London 2012, and I imagine the advancement of the World Baseball Classic may send the idea of Olympic baseball sliding even further into irrelevance. While winning the World Series may be the dream of every baseball player since they were a child, I'm differentiating club and international competition. While the idea of national teams is still a new one for baseball (Hell, players actually coming from different countries is only a handful of decades old), the World Baseball Classic, if its first go-around is to be believed, is fast becoming the gold standard for international baseball competition. This is the competition where the stars and professionals come out to play. Of course its timing in March instead of the midst of a pennant push in August might have something to do with it, but that seems only to heighten its irrelevance. If baseball did have full functioning national teams, the Olympics would be like the fourth-stringers.

MEN'S SOCCER
For one sport, sending in the reserves is already a fact of life. Men's soccer is arguably the most popular sport on the planet. Olympic soccer tournaments draw large crowds (even in the United States), but hardly anyone seems to care. The reason being that soccer is already bigger than the Olympics. To keep the Olympic soccer tournament from upstaging the rest of the Olympics, teams that qualify for the Olympics are restricted to bringing their national Under-23 team, plus three overage players. While this brought some stars to the Olympics this year like Ronaldinho (Brazil), Leo Messi (Argentina) and Brian McBride (USA), the tournament is mostly contested by college kids or young professionals who are still trying to get minutes with their full national team.

However, a recent decision by the Court of Arbitration for Sport has thrown a wrench even in this provision. Ordinarily, club teams are required by FIFA to release players called up for international duty. However, the CAS recently ruled that this rule does not apply to the Olympics, because it is not a FIFA-run tournament. Teams are now not only reluctant to send their stars to the Olympics in August (which happens to be when lucrative Champions Leagu qualifiers begin), but they have the Court to back them up. What this means is in any future Olympic football tournaments, there will likely not be any stars of note who are not on their country's U-23 team.

U-23 teams aside, the biggest goal for any national footballer is to win a World Cup. The World Cup, likewise every four years is arguably the largest single-sport event in the world. Qualifying begins almost immediately after the prior Cup cycle ends and consumes the attention of entire nations. That's where the glory is. Just off the top of my head I can name every World Cup winner going back to 1962, but I'm note sure I could tell you who won the 2004 Olympic Football tournament.

Almost every professional footballer has dreamt of winning the World Cup. I would imagine very few dream about winning a U-23 Olympic Gold Medal. It's very similar to why Rugby is not an Olympic sport. Despite the IRB Rugby World Cup being the 3rd-largest sporting event in the world after the World Cup and Olympics, winning the Rugby World Cup is the pinnacle of international competition in that sport. Anything the Olympics could offer would be second-best.

Side Note: Women's Soccer
I've recommended men's soccer for elimination but not women's soccer, despite the existence of a Women's World Cup which would in theory parallel the FIFA World Cup as the biggest tournament in the sport. However, due to the relative lack of popularity in the WWC, the Olympics still represent a major international tournament.

It's similar to the way that the Olympic Men's Basketball tournament is still a major tournament, but the FIBA Championships are at best second-tier. Likewise, I agree with some soccer writers in that the Women's World Cup should be moved to every two years instead of every four, in odd-numbered years to avoid conflicts for media attention with the Olympics, FIFA World Cup, and the EURO. With a WWC last year in China, and a Women's Olympic football tournament this year, the next time a major Women's international competition will take place is in 2011 with the next Women's World Cup. While scarcity makes for a more exciting product, for a sport struggling to find an audience, that is too long out of the public eye, and there are not enough women's footballing nations to support a four-year tournament cycle (Pretty much every country from Morocco to Pakistan doesn't have a Women's team).

TENNIS
Tennis is the last sport and it goes along with what I've already said about players dreaming about winning one competition and not an Olympic medal. However, here there is one key difference. The reason for this is becaue tennis (aside from doubles) is inherently an individual sport. Unlike Soccer, Rugby, and to an extent baseball, there are no national teams. With players from all over the world, that means that EVERY match is an international match. The top events are and probably always will be the US, French, and Australian Opens and Wimbledon.

In that sense Tennis is much like Golf (outside of events like the Ryder Cup). Golf is not an Olympic sport, nor should it be, but it is very similar to top-level Tennis because it has international competition, individual nature of the sport, and four major tournaments (US and British Opens, Masters, PGA Championship). On many US broadcasts of golf, when the leaderboards are shown, what do you see next to the players and their scores? Often a national flag; Woods is American, Harrington is Irish, Garcia is Spanish, Els is South African, etc.

So while I may give the Olympics crap for being a collection of largely unknown or unfollowed sports (Equestrian, Team Handball, Synchronized Diving, etc.) the only thing worse than a collection of obscure sports are the mainstream ones where neither the players nor the fans appreciate the competition on the level of what the Olympics are supposed to be in an age of professionalism, and that is the greatest international stage for a given sport.

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More making fun of people

Quick conversation overheard at work between an older guy--let's call him Zebadiah--and, surprisingly, a young guy in his late-20s--let's call him Curly Joe.

Curly Joe: Did you see Tiger pull out that win yesterday?

Zebadiah: You know, I just did catch the end. My brother called me before the 18th hole. I turned it on just in time to see a war dance.

Curly Joe: Oh, yeah.

Zebadiah: You used to never see that in golf.

Curly Joe: Yeah, it used to be a gentleman's game.

Zebadiah: That's why I can't watch pro basketball.

Curly Joe: Oh yeah. That's all pro sports have become. Showboating. ...But that was pretty cool that Tiger's won--what--five in row?

Zebadiah: Yeah, that's Hogan's record, right?

Curly Joe: I think so.

Zebadiah: I remember seeing Hogan in a tournament down in Tuscaloosa when he was just starting out. Now there was a true gentleman. Never cracked as much as a smirk the entire round. And afterwards, he went around the gallery, shaking hands and kissing babies. He posed for a picture with me, and they ran it in the evening edition of The Post. Afterwards, me and my pals played marbles and danced the Charleston all night.

Curly Joe: I can't wait 'til I'm retired so I can work on my swing all day.

Ok, so maybe the last part is a little made-up and comedically lazy on my part. But come on--golf? Too showboaty?

Golf??

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MYOB, chump

Message to Jim Brown: You are not the moral conscience of every single black man who has ever played a sport.

I'm a day late posting on this subject, but in case you didn't hear about it, Jim Brown had this to say about the Tiger Woods "lynch" comment:

"He should have come out right away. Instead, he waited until it was politically correct [to comment]," Brown said.

Or maybe he waited to comment until he had given himself time to deliberate how he should respond. Maybe Tiger wanted to first give someone, whom he considers a good acquaintance, the chance to apologize and explain her intentions before publicly smearing her. Maybe Tiger Woods is not, in fact, the same person as Jim Brown and chooses to deal with controversy in a calculated, non-confrontational way.

Being an awesome golfer does not require Tiger Woods to play defender of the entire black population of the United States. Have you ever heard of the term, "above the fray," Jim Brown?

If you ask me, Tiger Woods has done something pretty remarkable for racial progress. Consider that he's absolutely revered within the world of golf--the most lily-white of all whiteman's pursuits--and he's reached that point, in part, because he's carried himself humbly and quietly and let his excellence in golf speak for itself. He has reached this point, in part, because he does not believe that his golf prowess necessarily transcends him to the role of social or political spokesperson.

Tiger Woods is worth millions--not just to himself but to many other entities with a financial stake in how he performs and, for better or worse, how he conducts himself. And guess what--he'd have probably never become so successful had he spewed Sharpton-esque nonsense everytime he had to the chance to speak on a racial issue or played race victim everytime things when wrong for him on the Tour or turned defensive and bitter when Fuzzy Zoeller vilely and personally insulted him in 1997.

Does he measure his words and stray from controversy in the public eye? Of course. But how dare you, Jim Brown, imply that it's all self-interested PR squeamishness. Maybe Tiger Woods feels a responsibility to those people who are financially invested in him. Or maybe that's just who Tiger Woods is as a person, power and money notwithstanding. Would that be such a horrible thing?

Please, Jim Brown, mind your own damned business, you sanctimonious ass.

(P.S.: Don't mistake this post for me actually caring about golf. I still don't.)

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The most specific book ever

“I don’t know how my putt missed. I’m still trying to ask myself, trying to find an answer on that,” [Garcia] said. “And then I should write a book on how not to miss a shot in the play-off and shoot one over. I just have to move on and hopefully do better next time.”

Sergio Garcia's Not Missing Shots in Major Championship Playoff Holes and Shooting One Over and Hopefully Doing Better Next Time: A Handy How-to Guide will be released this September by Doubleday.

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Disappointing Finish

Another U.S. Open, another boring winner who no one in America really gives a damn about. It should have been a thrilling finish. The most talented golfer to ever tee it up poised to make a late Sunday charge. Trust me, I'm not a member of the Tiger Woods fan club. However, I was sitting there actually hoping we could have an entertaining finish by Tiger charging to victory or at least forcing a playoff. Instead, we see a good bunker shot run off diabolically quick greens and Tiger actually happy with having a 30 foot putt with insane break on the 18th to tie. Even Tiger could not realistically make up that one shot at another tricked out, unfairly difficult U.S. Open course. If anyone still doubts that the PGA Championship is not better and more entertaining than the U.S. Open, compare the last three winners of each.

U.S. Open-Angel Cabrera, Geoff Ogilvy, Michael Campbell
PGA Championship-Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Vijay Singh

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Phil Calls Out the USGA

First, I'll preface this by stating that I'm a huge Phil Mickelson fan and admitted Phil apologist. The catastrophe at Winged Foot ranks as one the five most painful moments for me a sports fan.

Anyway, getting to the point, Phil complained during today's post-round press conference about injuring himself while preparing for the U.S. Open a few weeks ago. For the last three and half years, Phil has spent an extraordinary time beforehand preparing for major championships, going to the host course weeks in advance of the majors to scope out the host course and construct a gameplan. Since adopting this strategy, Phil has won 3 majors and contended in many others. As with most U.S. Open's, the rough at Oakmont is extraordinarily tough and thick. Knowing he would face tough shots in the rough during the tournament, Phil sprained his wrist while practicing shots in the greenside rough. While understandably upset with a performance that will likely have him for the weekend, Phil has an excellent point about having to risk himself to serious injury by just going through his normal major preparation. The announcers at NBC, defending the USGA and hoping not to ruffle any feathers with the powerful group, wonder why Phil would actually practice out of the hard rough beforehand.

Personally, I think it's ridiculous that someone who's busting his ass to become the best in his profession suffers a setback through his normal preparation. Along with further highlighting the unnecessary brutality that defines the USGA, it exemplifies the risk that every player undertakes by trying to win one of the biggest events each year. Besides Mickelson, notable pros like Vijay Singh and Steve Stricker have suffered injuries while competing this week at Oakmant. It's an absolute farce that what is supposed to represent our national championship involves such insane mental and physical pressure. Maybe one day the USGA actually construct a fair test for the U.S. Open, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

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Will Ferrell is a better golfer than any of us

...and that is why he's going pro. (Video from Golf.com)

I'm linking this mainly because I love his golf get-up, and whoever golfs with me next (which will be Father's Day if I'm not in the hospital becoming a father) will see me strut out to the first tee in green shorts and a bright blue polo.

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What If: Phil Mickelson Wins the 2006 U.S. Open

After seeing it replayed multiple times on the Golf Channel recently(yes, I do fairly frequently tune to the Golf Channel), I always wonder what would have happened in the world of golf had Phil Mickelson won the 2006 U.S. Open. Before the monumental collapse at 18, Mickelson had won the previous two majors and looked like he would hold on to win his third. At the same time, Tiger was having a subpar season, although a lot of that could be the attributed to the illness and eventual death of his late father Earl Woods. Still, even with Vijay's brief run at the top of the World Golf Rankings in 2004, no one had seriously challenged Tiger's reign as the dominant figure in golf. Now, it looked like Phil, who always possessed the most complete besides Tiger, was on the cusp on putting a serious dent in Tiger's control. An awful drive, even poorer second shot and double-bogey later, and Phil was left to explain how he let go of that elusize U.S. Open title. Two months and two major wins later, and Tiger had left all doubt on who's number one to rest.

However, fast forward to today and we may be back on the verge of a Tiger-Phil showdown. Phil has hired Tiger's old swing coach, Butch Harmon, and now appears to be driving the golf ball better than he has in years. At his recent Players victory, Phil played the weekend from the middle of the fairway. Even while he was winning back-to-back majors in 2005-2006, Phil would often be miraculously extracting himself from awful situations and would avoid making a big numbers. During the final round of last year's fateful Open, Phil hit 2 fairways all day. The final hole collapse may have actually been a blessing in disguise, as it caused Phil to reevaluate his swing and eventually call on Butch Harmon, the best swing coach in the golfing world, to correct his flaws. Now, it looks like Phil may be more poised than even to make a serious run at Tiger.

In the end, the Winged Foot wreck may turn out to be a good thing for Phil. Winning there may have been fool's gold, as Phil has needed to address his driving problem for a long time. While he managed to reign the swing in some for his awesome 2004 season, his struggles have dated all the way back to when he purposely altered the swing during Tiger's first dominant run in order to gain distance. Now, he seems to be committed to finding fairways, even if that means giving up 10-15 yards off his drives. On the other hand, Tiger keeps on struggling with his driver and has to extract himself on far too many holes. While I would be crazy to predict a grand shift, do not count out Phil making a serious run at Tiger's perch at the top of the golf word.

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Unnecessary Brutality

Warning for Vinnie: This is in fact a golf post. That said, it is a much more relevant sport to America than soccer and therefore can occupy one spot on our blog.

Apparently, the Masters has decided to take a cue from the U.S. Open and enjoys humiliating world class golfers to appease Old Man Par. What they have done is ruined the most enjoyable golf tournament by making it almost painful to watch. Like a Big Ten basketball game, my appreciation of the sport will keep me tuned in even if the overall play may be less than stellar. However, if I want to watch golfers scrambling all over the course and watching good shots turn out horribly, I'll take a trip to my local country club. What I want to watch is quality golf, with deserving shots meriting birdies and the occasional eagles. After Tiger shot a combined 35 under in 1998 and 2001, the members at Augusta National decided to fight back, lengthening the course to more than 7,400 and making the rough more penal. In short, they decided to "Tiger-Proof" it.

By making the course ridiculously long, they have made it nearly impossible to keep good shots on the green. The greens have always been insanely fast, but in the past golfers would have a fighting chance to hit a shot close because they would be using short enough clubs to allow them to control the ball. When you are hitting a 200 yard 4-iron into a fast green, the ball stands little chance of getting close barring a lucky bounce along the way. All of this has led to golfers scrambling for par like a U.S. Open, a goal I have long criticized the USGA for.

While technology allows golfers to hit the ball 20-30 yards further than years past, adding length to a course is not necessarily the answer. Especially at a course like Augusta National, the greens are not meant to hold long iron shots. A much better solution would be to decrease the width of fairways, putting a premium of driving the ball straight. While guys like Tiger and Phil Mickelson can hit the ball a mile, they often struggle with wayward tee shots. This could fairly punish them, while keeping the integrity of the golf course intact.

No, I do not want to see the Masters become the John Deere Classic where 25 under wins. What I want to see is what happened in years past: exciting birdies and eagles and the ability to make a back nine charge. The Masters looks to have lost some of the luster that set it apart from other majors. I hope the members at Augusta National work to rectify the situation in future years.

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