I'm not buying it, Knoblauch. You were totally holding out hope

The day we've been waiting for ever since the release of the Mitchell Report has finally come. Chuck Knoblauch has spoken out.

Funny, though, isn't it, how he waited until after the Hall of Fame voting to break his silence?

Didn't wanna ruin your chances of being elected in your first time on the ballot, eh, Chucky?

Asked if he resented being thrust back into the spotlight, Knoblauch said: "No. One of my strongest characteristics is not really caring what people think. I'm living my life. It's not going to change my life one way or the other. You know, I'm not trying to get in the Hall of Fame. I got one vote though."

Oh, reeeeaally. Well then, Mr. Knoblauch, if you care so little about the Hall of Fame, how did you know how many votes you got??? Trapped in your web of lies!

I know your games, Knoblauch. I'm onto you.

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Third ear? With your teeth? Wow! Get me some HGH!

"If he's doing that to me, I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead. I should be pulling tractors with my teeth," said Clemens, who wore a lavender button-down shirt during the interview, taped Dec. 28 at his home in Katy, Texas.

Equally sensible:

Said Clemens' attorney, Rusty Hardin: "Anyone not persuaded by that interview is not a well person."

So does my being ever-so-slightly persuaded mean I'm sort of well? It would be a welcome change of pace, no doubt. (And why was it necessary to say his shirt was lavender, Mr. Aaron Patrick Writer?)

Also, this "emotional" phone call between Clemens and McNamee that we keep hearing about--Was it like, "God damn you rat bastard narking on me after how much I paid you to keep your trap shut!" emotional, or more like, "After all the times *sniff* I let you pull back my underpants to stick that hypodermic needle in my ass--because I trusted you and knew you wouldn't make it hurt--you went and spilled all our secrets to the public! How could you, Brian?!" I wonder if we'll ever know.

And lastly, in case you missed it, tonight's Andy Rooney piece was freaking priceless (and Matt might say, borderline racist, as are many of Andy Rooney's pieces).

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The Aftermath of the Mitchell Report: A Day in Pictures

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Fun with the Mitchell Report: A handwriting expert weighs in

Adam Piatt: "I am really proud that my last name starts with P."

Adam Riggs: "When you're not rich, you don't write checks. You send MoneyGram money orders."

Chad Allen: "I don't like to part with my money."

Chris Daniels: "I sign my name with my toes!"

David Segui: "I looooove Asian women. (Note my slanty handwriting. And yes, I'm a huge bigot.)"

Denny Neagle: "I'll never forgive those grammar school teachers for making me write with the right-hand slant even though I'm a lefty."

Fernando Vina: "I love making dollarsssssss____________."

F.P. Santangelo: "I need an official seal to make myself feel important."

Glenallen Hill: "I am one elegant gent."

Gary Bennett: "I am very much an average person in all respects."

Greg Zaun: "Just try to scan this, bitch."

Jason Christensen: "Yeah, when the school marm told me to write with the righty slant, I was all like, "No way, dude.'"

Jason Grimsley: "I like Asian women more than anyone!"

Jeff Williams: "I don't reveal nuthin' to nobody. Eat type-age, chump."

Jerry Hairston: "I get around on bumpy buses."

Jim Parque: "I'm a bad spellor!"

Kent Mercker: "Zero cents? That's a given."

Larry Bigbie: "Someday, I will be a VP of a PR firm."

Paul Lo Duca: "I may be a cheater, but I'm super polite!"

Matt Herges: "Cursive scares me."

Miguel Tejada: "I love cursive... so much so that I use two different styles."

Mike Lansing: "When you're rich, you don't write checks. Etcetera."

Mo Vaughn: "Where's my sandwhich?"

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SI Tells Numerous Players, "You cheated, and you're barely important enough to mention."

I'm perplexed by this graphic that currently resides on the front page of SI.com. Click it for a larger version.

Why are some names highlighted and some not? Is it just to show active players? If so, that doesn't work out because Rick Ankiel, Paul Lo Duca, and Derrick Turnbow among others are all active to some extent.

Is it just for memorable players? Can't be that either. Ken Caminiti and Jose Canseco are unhighlighted and they were pretty good in their day. Several other All-Stars have their names unlit.

The only thing I can think of is that at some point, all the highlighted players either played for the Red Sox or Yankees (other than Bonds and Tejada). To the rest of you, congratulations, you've been labeled as "cheaters," and SI.com has seen fit to out you on their front page, but you're not important enough to be pointed out specifically.

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So, That's Why he Sucked So Much

We always wondered why he was such a crappy player and a total disgrace to his father...Todd Hundley must have cycled off his "bigger muscle juice" during his days with the Cubs.

And for you White Sox fans, now we know why Jim Parque was such a god...

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Too much reading!

So being too anxious to hear the goods in the Mitchell Report but being unable to watch the press conference here at work, I've just spent the last ten minutes or so sifting through the PDF for the juicy parts.

But aghh! All I've gotten is Manny Alexander, Ricky Bones, and Alex Cabrera. And now I have to get back to real work! This sucks!

Damn it, George Mitchell--why couldn't you have just called a chapter, "The Juicy Gossip," or, "The Famous Guys Who Have Taken Steroids, i.e. the Only Thing You Really Care About Within This Entire 409-Page Document"?

Frustrating. I guess I'll just have to wait til I get home.

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