Congratulations to the Phillies, and one Phillie in particular

Yes, yes, I'm glad to see the Phillies won and all that, and hooray for them breaking their 25 yearlong championship draught. But in reality, come on, it's not that long of a draught. Call me when it takes you 26 years just to get back to the playoffs. Assholes.

But, in all seriousness, I'd like to extend my wholehearted congratulations to Geoff Jenkins, a guy who suffered through some awful seasons here in Milwaukee and finally got the ring he deserved (and a bitchin' double to kick off the game last night). Always a class act in Brewtown and beloved for, if nothing else, looking like Brett Favre, here's a big mazeltov! to you, Jenks.

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Sexy Super School Action News

Ok, so I know a lot of bad stuff has happened in the past during spontaneous sports-related celebrations in major cities. I remember some pretty ugly scenes on the Channel 5 news after the Bulls won in '92, and of course, there was this:


So it would only make sense that Philadelphia, home of the country's most ruthless and perpetually agitated fans, would turn into Tiananmen Square after the Phillies won, right? Well, apparently Frank Fitzpatrick of the Philadelphia Enquirer assumed so. Unfortunately for Frank, that never happened, and he was left with a punchless article that lazily attributes all bad fan behavior to beer sales.

Last night, in the cold weather and hot anticipation that preceded the resumption of Game 5, I counted the number of places where you could buy beer along the main concourse at Citizens Bank Park.

I stopped at 47. (By the way, there were two places selling books. What does that say about sports fans?)

It says that they don't go to a baseball game to read a fucking book, nor should they. I bet you also didn't see any science exhibits or acupuncturists because these would also be extremely out-of-place at a ballpark. The fact that there actually were two book stores baffles me enough.

So how would the proximity of all that beer to all those agitated people impact a postgame celebration that followed the Phillies World Series clincher?

Probably the best we could hope for was that the behavior of the city's fans had improved since Saturday.

What follows is a short list of unrelated incidents at Saturday's Flyers, Phillies, and Penn St. games that have nothing to do with last night's events, which entailed "nothing close to a riot," according to the New York Times article. And then we get...

Gee, I wonder if there's a common denominators here?

Let me guess--beer sales. You're gonna use the most overplayed, unsubstantiated scapegoat for poor fan behavior because you'd rather get mad about something bad that never happened than do any research as to whether or not criminal activity at sporting events correlates at all to liquor sale policies.

If you guessed beer, you win a week's vacation in Nome with Bud Selig's three meteorologists. Still, the likelihood that we'll ever see a sensible beer policy in pro sports or on college campuses is akin to that of Joe Paterno winning the 2009 New York City Marathon.

Typical Irishman--blaming all of society's ills on "the drink." And he takes a low blow at an old Italian guy in the process. I'm taking this out on you, Pat.

My point is: This article was obviously written in advance of events that never occurred, with the cause of said phantom events predetermined by the author. This is, my friends, very lazy journalism.

And now for a very different take from our YCS Philadelphia correspondent (i.e. the only person I know in Philly):

i have never seen anything like that! broad st. (chicago correlate: michigan avenue /maybe chicago ave.) was just flooded with so many drunken people...so many, and soooo drunk. the cops were terrified, and cars were barreling down sidestreets with all windows down and horns permanently honking. an opportunist could have robbed anyone in town not on broad street since all the cops were trying to manage a minor riot there. we also didnt have to obey any traffic laws for like 45 minutes, and honked liberally at all pedestrians, whose scowls softened as long as we raised our fists in solidarity after. awesm display. very memorable.

Team wins championship; fans get excited. Only at YCS can you find this kind of scoop.

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Tim Welke's idea of a playable field

Crew chief Tim Welke said the game continued into the sixth inning because the pitcher's mound and batter's box were in good shape.

"The pitchers weren't falling off the mound and the batters weren't slipping."

No... It was just like FUCKING WOODSTOCK on the basepaths.

NICE WORK, DICKHOLE.

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True Philly fans don't leave early

"Come on, dad! It's been fourteen hours!"

"For the last time, we're waiting this out!"

"But dad... We're the only ones left."

"That means we're the only true Philly fans left in this town."

"Yeah, but..."

"Listen--If we'd have left when they pulled on the tarp and we'd missed the end of the game, you would never forgive me, and I'd never forgive myself."

"Fifteen different friends have texted me saying that the game was officially suspended and probably won't resume until Wednesday."

"Good, we'll wait 'til then."

"But dad! I'm freezing!"

"It builds character."

"I think I'm getting pneumonia."

"No you're not."

"Why couldn't I have at least worn a jacket?"

"A true Philly fan doesn't hide his colors--not for warmth, not for shelter from the rain..."

"It's 35 motherfucking degrees out here!"

"You don't talk to your father that way!"

"If I die, you're going to jail."

"Not if there's a single Phillies or Eagles fan on that jury. Now quit your bellyaching."

"I'm moving in with Uncle Tom and Aunt Mary."

"Fine, you do that."

"Good. I will."

"Now where's that peanut vendor?"

"He's gone. Like everyone else."

"No he's not. I just saw him back to our left there a minute ago."

"That was 16 hours ago. You're hallucinating."

"No I'm not. You stay here. I'm gonna go find him."

"Good. That'll give me time to call the DCFS."

"If you call anyone, you don't go to college."

"Fine. I'll join the army."

"Fine. You call then."

"Fine. I will."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Fine."

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Sponsor thrilled over team's success

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. -- The success of the Tampa Bay Rays this season has taken just about everyone by surprise--everyone, perhaps, except the man whose name adorns their uniforms.

Last September when the little-known Tampa Bay franchise--then known as the Devil Rays--announced that they would change the team nickname and uniforms, St. Petersburg bar owner Ray Feinman jumped at the chance to sponsor the team and name it after his bar, Ray's. The sponsorship--overlooked by most at the time--is now paying huge dividends, with the recently-crowned American League champions representing Feinman's small watering hole.

"I knew those kids would do big things from the first time I met them over the winter," says Feinman. "What they're doing doesn't surprise me at all. If I didn't think they could win, I wouldn't have put up the $150 to have our name on the jersey."

Back in April, Ray's patrons would routinely laugh off Feinman's bold optimism about the team's prospects, but now the only laughs are for sheer jubilation.

"When old Ray told me in March that we could go all the way, I told him he was bonkers," says Ray's regular Arty Bird. "I laughed and said, 'Yeah, sure, Ray. I'll go to Vegas right now and put a hundred bucks on them to win the Series.' If I'd listened, I could've had a chance to be rich. Instead, my retirement savings are going down the toilet, and I can barely afford to drink here anymore. But hey--Go Rays!"

Feinman was initially miffed by the franchise for mispunctuating the jersey by excluding the apostrophe in "Ray's," but now, he says, it no longer bothers him. "I think by now, everyone makes the connection between the team and our bar. And I can't complain too much, with all the business they've brought."

Indeed, Ray's has not only seen a boost in business from Rays fans throughout the season but from the players as well.

"The boys come in here a lot after games, sometimes still in their jocks and cleats," says bartender Louie Bataglia. "I comp their drinks, and usually one of the girls will bring them out a few platters of wings. We do whatever we can to encourage the kids."

Back in April, Bataglia had some special words of wisdom for Rays rookie phenom Evan Longoria. Before his first game with the Rays after being called up from the minors, Longoria dropped by Ray's with teammate Jason Bartlett for some MGD 64s and good cheer.

"I said, 'Evan--That's a woman's name, huh?'" recalls Bataglia. "He says, 'Nah.' I says, 'Oh. Well, you'll do fine, kid. Keep doing what you do, and you'll be a good one.'"

Thanks in large part to Bataglia's advice, Longoria earned a trip to the All-Star Game and is a front-runner for the American Leauge Rookie of the Year award.

Says Longoria's mentor, "Yeah, I'm real proud of him. Like a son."

While the World Series appearance has brought plenty of excitement to the bar, the Rays are not the only team to do the Ray's name proud in recent years.

"We had a 14 year-old Colt League team go to the sectional finals last year, and two years ago, our 40-and-over fast-pitch team won the league championship," recounts Feinman. "But this year might be the most special of all."

The Tampa Bay Rays will open the World Series Wednesday night against the Philadelphia Phillies.

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Ryan Dempster: "Cubs will win World Series"

Discuss.

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Typical f-ing Rockies

Unbelievable. Just unbelievable. But am I surprised?

Hell no. This always happens to us. This is so typical of the Rockies. We finally get close, finally get to the World Series, come in winning 20 of 21 and looking unstopable, and just like that, it's over. We're gonna get swept--fucking SWEPT--in our one big chance. After all this waiting, all the years of heartbreak, they go out and break our hearts.

My dad, my grandad before him, now me--When I think of all the heartache this team has put us through over the years, it makes my heart ache. I want to raise my own kid a Rockie fan, but I feel like it would be cruel to put him through what we've been through. Here me and dad are freezing in the stands tonight, so ecstatic to finally see our Rocks in the Series, and four hours later, we're crying in our Coors. Just typical Rockies.

I remember going to games at old Mile High Stadium with dad as a kid. We stuck with them through thick and thin. I remember one year on opening day it had been snowing like a mother all week. Dad and I used to park in the old McGillicutty Carbide factory on 18th and Federal and hoof it to the stadium to save a few bucks. We were trudging through 16 inches of snow on the walk from the lot to the gate that day. They still had the plows on the field during BP. The guys were sipping bullion in the dugout between innings to keep from stiffening up. Also, that was back in the days when Mile High only had the two concession stands, so they ran out of coffee and cocoa in the thrid inning. To keep us warm, Dad used his flint and some hot dog wrappers to build a bonfire out in the left-field bleachers. Man, I'll never forget that...

...Fuck! Down 0-3. I know crazier things have happened, but... Damn! We fell down 0-2 in Fenway because the boys were rusty. Ok, fine. But tonight we had them back in our house, in the thin air, amidst the magic of Blake Street and the mystique of the Rockie tradition. There's no way we could have lost this game. But then we go out and get beat by Yokozuna and Kamikaze and that damned British kid. Man, the game has really changed.

Well, this is it. I'm done with them. I can't believe I'm even saying that, but I'm done with this team.

Damn it! We've gotta win tomorrow night!

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