Lock of the Week

Sadly, my odds-defying winless streak went kaput last week, just three games shy of a perfect season. I overestimated J.P. Losman's abilities and the impact of the Toronto weather, and a win was the price I paid.

But wallowing in my regrets will get me nowhere. All I can do is pull myself up and try my best to make the most terrible picks I know how. So here goes another.

The same Miami Dolphins that bit me last week return home to play the improved 49ers, who are getting 6 points from the bookmakers. Chad Pennington may be the front-runner for NFL MLP, but I think the 49ers will rally around the loss of star running back Frank Gore and play inspired football. So if you're a Dolphins fan, look out because Samurai Mike's boys will stop 'em cold cold this week.

49ers (+6) over the Dolphins--Book it!

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Lock of the Week

With my season-long losing streak at 11(?), the pressure is mounting. Ask anyone who's ever stood behind me in line for a urinal in a crowded bathroom--I don't perform well under pressure. So excuse me if I'm getting a little nervous.

For this week's lock, I'm setting my sights north of the border to Toronto--home of the Argos, twelve-time Grey Cup champions, rumblin' bumblin' stumblin' etc. The Bills are a one-point favorite over the Dolphins, but they'll be without superstar quarterback Trent Edwards. Also, weather conditions will be brutally cold, which, according to history, should benefit the Mammals.

So get that bookie on the horn, stat. Dolphins (+1) over the Bills--It's a sure winner!

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Retroactive Lock of the Week

Now that Matt has publicly called me out--not to mention guaranteed that I will be stalked by adoring female fans for the rest of my days--I feel the need to apologize for not posting a Lock of the Week. But come on--it was Thanksgiving weekend, for cripes sake. Sue a guy for wanting to spend time with his family during the holidays, why dontcha?

Oh, but here's the thing--I did make a pick, but I just never got around to posting it. And in case you don't believe me, I have a witness in Paul to back me up. So everyone pile in the Delorean and take a trip back to Thursday. Now go find your bookie, and say, "Larry--I'd like $100 on Seattle (+12), please!"

Now fast forward back to today, and hey--whatdya know? My streak continues! Suck it, Matt.

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Lock of the Week

Back in the good old days when Deion Sanders was hawking hot dog cookers on infomercials, the 49ers vs. Cowboys was the hottest game on the NFL schedule every year. This year, not quite.

So to to add a little intrigue to this matchup, I'm putting my incredible Lock of the Week winless streak on this game--more specifically, the Niners, who are 9.5-point underdogs. Not only will they keep this one close, but they'll send the Cowboys back into turmoil and Tony Romo back to the hospital.

49ers (+9.5) over the Cowboys. Book it!

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Lock of the Week

Last week I tried to end (read: prolong) my improbable losing streak by putting my faith in the winless Detroit Lions beating the Jaguars. That one didn't work out so good.

So this week, I'm doing the opposite. I'm banking on the one remaining undefeated team, the Tennessee Titans, to falter in Jacksonville. The Jags are getting three points in a game that I think they'll win outright.

If you see any conceivable reason to take my gambling advice at this point, put your paycheck on the Jaguars (+3) over the Titans.

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Lock of the Week

Last week, picking against the Patriots burned me, so obviously picking in their favor will mean victory this week. Stephen Jackson, one of about three players I can actually name on the Rams, won't play this week. That makes this an easy one--Patriots (-8.5) over the Rams. Book it!

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Loch of the Week

As Zuch is my witness (if he still remembers when I said it while out drinking Saturday night), I had intended to pick Miami as my Lock of the Week, which would have kept my perfect winless streak for the season alive.

Unfortunately, I got too distracted by Meet the Press to post it yesterday morning. Instead, I'll have to use tonight's game for my prediction.

Well, too bad for my incredible streak, as this is one game that's too easy to miss. The Patriots are only getting 3 points against a clearly superior Broncos team who should beat them by a minimum of 60. If I've ever been sure about anything, it's that UFOs are very real and a legitimate threat to the world as we know it. In addition to that, I'm also pretty sure about this game.

Denver (-3) over New England--Book it!

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Lock of the Week

In my opinion, there are a lot of ridiculous betting lines this week--Bears -3 at Atlanta, Jacksonville only getting 3 at Denver, Minnesota -13.5 (I know they're playing the Lions, but it's a miracle if the Vikings even score 13.5 points with that offense. Granted, it's impossible to score 13.5 points based on the rules of football, but now you're missing the point.)

That said, I'm putting my Lock of the Week eggs in the basket of the new-look Oakland Raiders (+7). Led by new head coach Al Davis and starting quarterback Al Davis, I think Oakland can give the Saints a game.

Book it, gambling addicts!

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Locke of the Week

I'll take my mind off baseball for a few minutes here to bring you my weekly dose of fail-safe gambling advice.

Unfortunately, this week's pick forecasts more bad news for hurting Chicago sports fans. The Lions are 3.5 point underdogs at home against the Bearsss, but I expect them to win this one straight-up. Assuming I'm right--which I always am--this could be a very dark Sunday in Chicago if the Sox can't extend their LDS series.

Sorry, fellow Bears fans. I hope I'm wrong, but again--that's impossible. Better days are ahead, though. I mean, not anytime in the foreseeable future, but eventually I assume.

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Lox of the Week

Sorry fans--I've been a little busy with work travel and such lately, hence my absence. (Oh... You didn't notice? Thanks, jerk.) And if the Brewers and Sox don't win today, we might all be dead by morphine overdose come tomorrow morning, and this blog will shut down entirely.

Anyway, after missing out on my Lock of the Week last week, I owe you two fail-proof bets this week. So for my first, I'm going with the Packers (+2) at Tampa. And if I'm wrong, Matt's gonna punch me in the mouth for jinxing the Pack.

For my second pick, I'm taking the Browns (+1) at Cincy. The Bengals are starting some guy named Fitzgerald or Fitzpatrick or Samuelson or Mork or something in place of the injured Carson Palmer, and I'm guessing he sucks.

Book 'em!

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Lock of the Week

After last week breaking my incredible streak of accurate predictions--sixteen in a row by my count--I'm ready to get back to my winning ways.

For Week 2, the pick is obvious. The 49ers go into Frasiertown with just a 6.5-point handicap. It doesn't take a Bob "Bulldog" Brisco-calliber sports expert to know that the Seahawks would cover this spread with Niles Crane at quarterback.


Seahawks (-6.5) over the 49ers. Book it!

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Lock of the Week

Now that the NFL is back, so is this pointless tradition.

For my Week 1 lock, I'm going ballsy--picking a road favorite to cover. The Bengals are 7-1 versus the spread in opening games in which they're favored since 1982. Of course, that's a bullshit stat I just made up. The real rationale here is that the Ravens' quarterback is the fictitious Keanu Reeves character Shane Falco. I don't see how their season will be anything but disasterous.

Bengals -2.5 over the Ravens--book it!

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