Krukie Kwotes

We've been known to be a bit "edgy" on this blog in the past, but I know one thing: None of us would ever be so callous as to make fun of a cancer survivor sharing his thoughts on a remarkable accomplishment by a fellow cancer survivor.

...Until today. Unfortunatey, I cannot 100% confirm this quote to be verbatim because I'm going off memory, but I assure you the meaning is accurate. John Kruk, last night on BBTN had this to say about the significance of Jon Lester's no-hitter:

"There are people out there with cancer who now believe they'll beat the illness because of what Jon Lester did tonight."

[Monday night, cancer ward, Massachusettes General Hospital]
TV announcer: ...the two-strike pitch to Collaspo... He did it! A no-hitter for Jon Lester!
Doctor: How about that? A no-hitter.
Patient: [elated] You know what this means doc?!
Doctor: The Sox picked up a game on the Rays?
Patient: No, I'm cured!!!!!
Doctor: Cured?
Patient: Cured!
Doctor: Remember this afternoon when I said you'll need at least ten more years of treatment, and even then you'll be lucky to live past 50?
Patient: But Jon Lester threw a no-hitter! And he had cancer! I'm cured!!!! [leaps out of bed, pirouettes, sprints into the hallway, starts randomly high-fiving nurses, unplugging medical equipment, and guzzling Dixie cups of pills]
Doctor: No... You're not! And you just took a half-dozen diuretics!
Patient: ...Cured cured cured cured...!
Doctor: Nurse--Could you bring a few extra sets of sheets to 306? This lunatic's gonna be pissing the bed all night...

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BBTN needs to be cancelled

Baseball Tonight was once a show that baseball fans could rely on for detailed highlights, insightful analysis, and legitimate reporting. These days, it's nothing but a gimmick-loaded suckfest hosted primarily by idiots. And tonight, ESPN may have aired the worst installment of BBTN ever. The lineup responsible for this travesty was Steve Berthiaume, Fernando Vina, Steve Phillips, and John "Krukie" Kruk.

The episode had a theme. Playing on the fact that so many staff "aces" made starts today, the entire show was card- and gambling-themed. So to begin the show, they did this ridiculous thing where each of the studio analysts drew a card from what appeared to be a stack of aces with pitchers' names taped on them--the analyst with the best ace being the "winner" of the show apparently. Man, that's some clever shit, guys.

From this point on, the entire show was an obnoxious string of "card" puns that made me want to punch the TV. In addition to the stupid card-themed lists they had the analysts compile--team with the "best hand," team with the "best trump card," team with the biggest "wild card," biggest homeruns in Cardinals history (you know, like "Cards" for short... get it? get it? eh? eh? pretty good, huh?)--I counted no less than a dozen independently-formed card puns delivered by the studio analysts--most of which made no sense, e.g. "Prince Fielder cashes in his chips" on a homerun highlight, "we'll ante up the day's best plays for you," referring to Mark Teixeira as the "Mark-ed card," etc.

That's not to mention the three or four times Phillips said a pitcher was "dealing" and the pair of times he made the same stupid pun about "King" Felix Hernandez being "a king, but is he an ace?"

Out of fairness, it should be noted that Berthiaume and Phillips were by far the guiltiest parties and that Vina had the dignity to refuse participation almost entirely. Surprisingly, so did Kruk, he only making one or two card puns, which he said in more of a mocking tone.

Never has it been more apparent to me that Baseball Tonight--like every other ESPN show that once had substance--has degenerated into embarassing self-parody and needs to go away for good.

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