An Intro/Week 1 Picks

>> Wednesday

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Bob and as mentioned earlier, I’m the Yankee son of a bitch that will be taking over Yellow Chair Sports (see what I did there). I can’t promise you much about the new blog, except that I will be sharing plenty of my gambling adventures, fantasy football stories and sexual exploits (RE: favorite porn sites) while trying to provide a little bit of insight, an attempt at humor and the occasional well-written piece over the course of the next few months.

It seems only fitting to start my writing here with a post on my favorite thing of all – betting football. I don’t buy into that bullshit that football has replaced baseball at the national pastime; mainly because I don’t believe baseball was ever the national pastime in the first place. Old drunks that we’ve turned into poets like Granny Rice came up with this idea that baseball could reflect life, but, and I say this as a huge baseball fan, nothing in life is slower than fucking baseball. Maybe child birth. As long as it’s not Sox/Yankees game.

I came to the conclusion long ago that no sport is the national pastime. Gambling is. Andrew Jackson was betting on how many Indians he could whack off long before Walter Johnson ever threw a pitch. Betting on everything has been a part of the fabric of this country since its founding, so fuck all this sports-as-poetry nonsense.

With that rant out of the way, here are my picks for the week. In bold is the four team parlay I will be playing with my bookie. Thanks Mom and Dad, for contributing to my habit and paying for a spoiled brat who will likely end up living at the track to go to an overpriced college. 

(Home team in caps)

NEW ORLEANS -6 over Minnesota
I’m not the best guy in the world; I fully admit that. But I try to avoid rooting for injuries even if it would help my gambling habit. But I have to say, I hope Brett Favre breaks his leg on the opening drive. No one is more douche than that guy. As far as the games goes, it’s hard to imagine the Super Bowl champs losing their opener (except that it happens every other year).

Detroit +6.5 over CHICAGO
The Lions are sleepers this year. I can’t see how Chicago deserves to be a huge favorite over anybody, much less a team on the rise like Detroit. Plus the Bears and their fans are stuck in the ‘80s doing that retarded truffle shuffle they all do. Fuck them. Calvin Johnson is my top fantasy wideout so I’m picking the Lions in what isn’t really an upset.

Oakland +6.5 over TENNESSEE
This is a stretch. The Raiders won’t win outright, but I think it will be a 3 point game. I don’t trust Vince Young to win any game by more than a field goal all year.

NEW ENGLAND -4.5 over Cincinnati
The Pats won’t ever get back to the offense they had a few years ago, but this is a team that should run it up a Bengals team who is vastly overrated this season.

NEW YORK 7 over Carolina
Eli Manning has somehow gone from the most overrated quarterback in the league to one of the most underrated. It’s true that he’s paid like AROD, but no one wants him in fantasy and I can’t figure it out. More importantly in this game, the Panthers will be among the worst teams in the league and I they haven’t got a shot against the Giants opening a new stadium.

Atlanta +2.5 over PITTSBURGH
A Dennis Dixon-led offense should never be a favorite.

Cleveland +3 over TAMPA BAY
I won’t watch a single second of this game and to be honest, I couldn’t name six players combined on either team. But I fucking hate pirates and I feel bad for you people in Cleveland. The least I could do is pretend to bet on you.

JACKSONVILLE -3 over Denver
Pretty much the same as the above game. I’m just going with the home team here.

HOUSTON +2.5 over Indianapolis
I’ve jumped on the bandwagon. I think this is the year the Texans finally win the division and I love them at home to open the season. This is one of the best games of the weekend and I’m proud to have a financial stake in it.

ST. LOUIS +4 over Arizona
I’m only realizing as I write this how many horrible teams are in the NFL. This is another can’t watch, won’t watch game. That’s why I refused to take Steven Jackson in fantasy. And how the fuck are the Cardinals a 4 point favorite over anyone?

Green Bay +3 over PHILADELPHIA
Everyone is picking the Packers to go to the Super Bowl, but they're dogs this week. We’re giving Kevin Kolb too much credit. Aaron Rodgers is going to light the Eagles up.

San Francisco +3 over SEATTLE
Seattle is another team that should never allowed to be favorite, even if they’re at home. I’m not fully on board with the 49ers this season, but they’re going to win this one.

Dallas -3.5 over WASHINGTON
Dallas is my pick for the Super Bowl champion this year. In that shitass division, I honestly think the Cowboys will go 14-2. And it starts by pissing all over the Redskins.

NEW YORK -2.5 over Baltimore
A possible preview of the AFC Championship. It’s hard to imagine the Ravens having the second best defense in any game, but that’s true here. This will be one of those 16-13 games.

San Diego -4.5 over KANSAS CITY
I’ve got Ryan Mathews in fantasy and I’m betting he has a huge start to his career. Plus, the Chiefs, like Denver, Seattle, Cleveland, Buffalo, Tampa, Jacksonville, Arizona, St. Louis and Chicago are a disaster.

Lock of the Week (I’m betting college book money on this one)
Miami -3 over BUFFALO
I’ve got the Dolphins and Cowboys in the Super Bowl. I love the Chad Henne-Brandon Marshall combo and think that they get off to a nice start by blowing out Buffalo.

Leave your picks in the comments!

8 comments:

Vinnie 1:01 AM  

Gambling and porn? You've already taken the sophistication level up a notch. Well done, sir!

As for picks, all I can say is I once famously lost twelve consecutive "Lock of the Week" picks, so my input is worthless. And I'm not talking about picking huge dogs to win straight up--it was against the spread. I don't think I'll ever have such an impressive gambling streak again. I'm just happy I had no money riding on them.

Also, as an Eli owner in both my leagues, I hope you're very right.

ashley 5:29 AM  

Pretty insightful post. Never thought that it was this simple after all. I had spent a good deal of my time looking for someone to explain this subject clearly and you’re the only one that ever did that. Keep it up.

kite

Matt 4:42 PM  

Watch it, new guy. You keep mixing up your "they're" and "their"-s and you're not long for this site.

Just kidding, of course. Or AM I?

Bob 9:17 PM  

Matt, where did I do this? I'd hate to sound even dumber than I am.

Bob 9:19 PM  

Whoops, I caught one. My bad

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