NFL's preseason screws everyone

Look, I know everyone hates preseason football. It’s about as interesting as public access television and for most of the games, features even less talent. But anyone who thinks the NFL should cut its exhibition schedule from four to two games (or abolish it completely) clearly doesn’t give a shit about those of us who like place a few wagers every Sunday each fall.

In fact, if it were up to me, there would be more preseason games. Or I would force teams to play their first team more. I mean I still would rather drop acid and watch music videos than watch games that A)don’t mean anything and B) I can’t bet on (my douche bookie doesn’t take preseason wagers) but at least teams would be prepared when the actual season started.

Every year this shit happens. You might as well flip a coin for the first two weeks of the actual season because no one knows what the fuck is going on. This week, 10 teams didn’t cover the spread and I wouldn’t be surprised if New Orleans made It 11 tonight. I’ve lost more of my parents’ money already this season than I spent all summer on booze, drugs and fast food combined. Now I have to charge idiot freshman $10 to drink cheap jungle juice instead of $5 to make up for my losses. See what you’ve done, NFL? You treat weeks 1 and 2 like the preseason and I’m forced to rip off kids who think I’m cool because my apartment has a beer pong table and a “fuck room.”

But this isn’t even about my problems. I mean it kind of is. But it goes deeper than that. The Dallas Cowboys decided to take the preseason off and look at what happened. They’re 0-2 and as every writer in America will point out this week, being 0-2 means you’re more likely to miss the playoffs than those who are 2-0. Obviousfuckingly.

Dallas isn’t the only team that did this. Minnesota let Brett Favre dick them around for far too long and now they’re suffering too. That’s not to say that some of the 2-0 teams are being rewarded for taking the preseason seriously. It’s just that early in the season, when no one quite has their offensive or defensive game plans figured out, anything can happen. And anything has. I mean Tampa Bay and Kansas City are 2-0. Combined I can name about four players on those teams. Maybe that’s why I’m broke.

Or maybe it’s because the NFL preseason system is broken. But the solution isn’t just to get rid of it completely. There is no reason for teams to be treating the early part of the season as a tune-up. This doesn’t happen in baseball. I guess it does happen in basketball, but that’s only because the entire regular season is like an exhibition before half the league reaches the playoffs. The answer is to take the preseason more seriously and actually play your top guys for more than four series in four games.

As a gambler, I’m furious right now. But as a fan, I’m downright disappointed.

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An Intro/Week 1 Picks

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Bob and as mentioned earlier, I’m the Yankee son of a bitch that will be taking over Yellow Chair Sports (see what I did there). I can’t promise you much about the new blog, except that I will be sharing plenty of my gambling adventures, fantasy football stories and sexual exploits (RE: favorite porn sites) while trying to provide a little bit of insight, an attempt at humor and the occasional well-written piece over the course of the next few months.

It seems only fitting to start my writing here with a post on my favorite thing of all – betting football. I don’t buy into that bullshit that football has replaced baseball at the national pastime; mainly because I don’t believe baseball was ever the national pastime in the first place. Old drunks that we’ve turned into poets like Granny Rice came up with this idea that baseball could reflect life, but, and I say this as a huge baseball fan, nothing in life is slower than fucking baseball. Maybe child birth. As long as it’s not Sox/Yankees game.

I came to the conclusion long ago that no sport is the national pastime. Gambling is. Andrew Jackson was betting on how many Indians he could whack off long before Walter Johnson ever threw a pitch. Betting on everything has been a part of the fabric of this country since its founding, so fuck all this sports-as-poetry nonsense.

With that rant out of the way, here are my picks for the week. In bold is the four team parlay I will be playing with my bookie. Thanks Mom and Dad, for contributing to my habit and paying for a spoiled brat who will likely end up living at the track to go to an overpriced college. 

(Home team in caps)

NEW ORLEANS -6 over Minnesota
I’m not the best guy in the world; I fully admit that. But I try to avoid rooting for injuries even if it would help my gambling habit. But I have to say, I hope Brett Favre breaks his leg on the opening drive. No one is more douche than that guy. As far as the games goes, it’s hard to imagine the Super Bowl champs losing their opener (except that it happens every other year).

Detroit +6.5 over CHICAGO
The Lions are sleepers this year. I can’t see how Chicago deserves to be a huge favorite over anybody, much less a team on the rise like Detroit. Plus the Bears and their fans are stuck in the ‘80s doing that retarded truffle shuffle they all do. Fuck them. Calvin Johnson is my top fantasy wideout so I’m picking the Lions in what isn’t really an upset.

Oakland +6.5 over TENNESSEE
This is a stretch. The Raiders won’t win outright, but I think it will be a 3 point game. I don’t trust Vince Young to win any game by more than a field goal all year.

NEW ENGLAND -4.5 over Cincinnati
The Pats won’t ever get back to the offense they had a few years ago, but this is a team that should run it up a Bengals team who is vastly overrated this season.

NEW YORK 7 over Carolina
Eli Manning has somehow gone from the most overrated quarterback in the league to one of the most underrated. It’s true that he’s paid like AROD, but no one wants him in fantasy and I can’t figure it out. More importantly in this game, the Panthers will be among the worst teams in the league and I they haven’t got a shot against the Giants opening a new stadium.

Atlanta +2.5 over PITTSBURGH
A Dennis Dixon-led offense should never be a favorite.

Cleveland +3 over TAMPA BAY
I won’t watch a single second of this game and to be honest, I couldn’t name six players combined on either team. But I fucking hate pirates and I feel bad for you people in Cleveland. The least I could do is pretend to bet on you.

JACKSONVILLE -3 over Denver
Pretty much the same as the above game. I’m just going with the home team here.

HOUSTON +2.5 over Indianapolis
I’ve jumped on the bandwagon. I think this is the year the Texans finally win the division and I love them at home to open the season. This is one of the best games of the weekend and I’m proud to have a financial stake in it.

ST. LOUIS +4 over Arizona
I’m only realizing as I write this how many horrible teams are in the NFL. This is another can’t watch, won’t watch game. That’s why I refused to take Steven Jackson in fantasy. And how the fuck are the Cardinals a 4 point favorite over anyone?

Green Bay +3 over PHILADELPHIA
Everyone is picking the Packers to go to the Super Bowl, but they're dogs this week. We’re giving Kevin Kolb too much credit. Aaron Rodgers is going to light the Eagles up.

San Francisco +3 over SEATTLE
Seattle is another team that should never allowed to be favorite, even if they’re at home. I’m not fully on board with the 49ers this season, but they’re going to win this one.

Dallas -3.5 over WASHINGTON
Dallas is my pick for the Super Bowl champion this year. In that shitass division, I honestly think the Cowboys will go 14-2. And it starts by pissing all over the Redskins.

NEW YORK -2.5 over Baltimore
A possible preview of the AFC Championship. It’s hard to imagine the Ravens having the second best defense in any game, but that’s true here. This will be one of those 16-13 games.

San Diego -4.5 over KANSAS CITY
I’ve got Ryan Mathews in fantasy and I’m betting he has a huge start to his career. Plus, the Chiefs, like Denver, Seattle, Cleveland, Buffalo, Tampa, Jacksonville, Arizona, St. Louis and Chicago are a disaster.

Lock of the Week (I’m betting college book money on this one)
Miami -3 over BUFFALO
I’ve got the Dolphins and Cowboys in the Super Bowl. I love the Chad Henne-Brandon Marshall combo and think that they get off to a nice start by blowing out Buffalo.

Leave your picks in the comments!

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That toy in the attic

Greetings, People Who Don't Clean Up Your RSS Feeds!

No, you're not (necessarily) tripping or still asleep--it's really a post on YCS. And for you former / current / future(?) devotees who may or may not be reading this, I have an exciting announcement:

YCS is back, bay-beeee!

No, really! Or, at least, it will be very soon.

Why, were we struck by a newfound wave of ESPN-hating ambition, you ask?

Ha! Not a chance. I haven't known ambition since at least aught-seven, and besides, I don't have cable anymore.

Even better, two awesome dudes named Bob and Dan [or is it one guy named Bob who sometimes signs his emails as "Dan"? Observe:

I guess we'll all know soon...] have offered to take over YCS.

By incredible coincidence, Bob / Dan / BobDan wanted to start a blog of the exact same name, only to realize we already had it. Seeing that we'd let the blog rot for the last nine months, he / they asked to take it over, rather than starting a new one and creating a confusing Cleveland Browns or Washington Senators situation. And realizing that we'd let the blog rot for nine months, Matt and I we were all like, "Knock yourselves out, fellas."

So here I am tonight, passing the YCS name and all its associated shame over to our new friends to let them make it great, as we never could. I can't promise they'll share our fondness for terrible MS Paint sketches and dated Seinfeld references (see paragraph three), but at least they'll never post a profanity-laden tirade purportedly written by the Westminster Dog Show winner (no link necessary).

And yes, if you're wondering, us old authors might even drop by occasionally to Leno the spotlight away from the new crew until they realize why no one liked us the first time around and strip away our posting permissions.

So to Bones, "Stephen," "Phil Nevin" (who was probably the same guy as "Stephen"), my mom, anonymous dude who commented a lot, and any of you other old fans that might still be out there: I hope you show the same love and support (but hopefully not vulgarity) to the new YCS curators as you showed us.

And with that, a new era of YCS begins!

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