Mindless commentary on the Home Run Derby

All right, I’m sitting down to watch the Home Run Derby with a Baby Ruth (which I admittedly bought partly because it offers a chance at winning World Series tickets…I didn’t win them) and several beers. Since it’s just me and the kid, I don’t really have anyone to talk to (I say, “Can you believe that Alex Rios has more home runs than Albert Pujols at this point?” and he just shits his pants). So I’m gonna give a half-assed, increasingly drunken running blog of this event.

Before it gets started, let me just say that I am a fan of dunk contests, home run derbies and such. I know most of the blogging sports fans hate anything with this kind of fanfare and lack of meaning, but as Vinnie once put it, Ken Tremendous is not the boss of me. These events are entertaining. There is no deep explanation why I enjoy watching a bunch of guys hit baseballs five times as far as I ever could. I just do. Okay, we’re ready to go.

Introductions: this is obviously influenced by my hometown bias, but Chris Berman is a fucking idiot introducing Prince Fielder. Not only does he play on the father/son thing (which, thanks to SI, everyone knows is not Prince’s favorite topic) but he emphasizes the surprising Milwaukee Brewers. Surprising? To the casual baseball fan, maybe, but if you work for the biggest sports entertainment industry in the world (or if you’re a fan who closely follows the game) it really shouldn’t surprise you that the Brewers are doing well, just like last year’s Tigers shouldn’t have really surprised you. Okay, homer rant over.

Hey, did you know that Justin Morneau is Canadian? I bet he dresses in all denim, smokes a lot of weed and hunts moose.

Waldo caught the first home run. And Berman is quickly establishing that he’s going to do the “backbackbackback” routing for every fucking home run. (CB: “Man, this will never get old. Baseball, peanuts, beer and backbackbackback.”)

How many fewer home runs would we see if they only gave these players nine outs? Every year there’s at least one guy that hits like three or four homers on the final out. Or maybe the players try extra hard for the “State Farm Gold Ball” because it goes to some kind of charity. Doesn’t it? I’m not sure where that money goes.

You know that guy that you invite to your poker game because your buddy backed out at the last second and you need to get a few more dollars in the pot, but then the bastard takes all your money? Matt Holliday could be that guy.

People who criticize Barry Bonds for not participating in the Derby…get real. The man is old by normal people standards, not to mention athlete standards. Can you imagine if Bonds participated in the Derby, and pulled something or tore something, and couldn’t get those next four home runs? Yeah, yeah, “That’d be awesome! The integrity of baseball would be upheld.” Whatever. Bonds would be the biggest idiot in the world if that happened.
Also on Bonds: he’s sitting here complaining that he’s being judged by third parties who don’t really know him. That’s what being an athlete is all about! Nobody’s saying that Barry Bonds is a horrible person who should be locked up (well, almost no one). People are upset that he’s cold towards the media and that he used steroids. Those are the things that we do know about him.

Commercial break. This gives me an opportunity to mention a hypothetical event that would be even more fun than the current Home Run Derby. That is a home run derby made up of players who generally hit for average and decent hitting pitchers. Wouldn’t everyone love to see Big Z face off against Scott Podsednik or David Eckstein in a home run contest? I know I would.

I know Vlad, Prince and Howard haven’t hit yet, but honestly, who though Alex Rios and Matt Holliday would be winning this thing at any point?

I love Joe Morgan calling Prince Fielder “overlooked.” The fact that he was voted into the All-Star Game ahead of Pujols proves that he’s widely recognized. It’s a pretty solid rule that whenever Joe Morgan calls a player “overlooked” or “underrated” he is either referring to a small white player that sucks, or he’s referring to a guy that everyone except Joe Morgan has recognized as a great young player.

Well Prince’s first try at the Derby was disappointing, but not all that surprising. This sun factor could be interesting, with the pitches now coming out of the sun into the shadows. We’ll see how it affects the rest of the field.

Wow, Ben Sheets’ son looks even dumber than his dad.

Hahahahahahaha! Joe Morgan on the Brewers’ success: “I actually have to pat myself on the back here, because I went to one game in the preseason and said ‘If these guys stay healthy, they’re going to be good.’…” (emphasis Joe’s) One game! This from the man who is constantly saying “I haven’t seen (insert team/player here) enough to comment on them.” Man, Joe Morgan is the dumbest person alive.

David Ortiz should be at every Home Run Derby for as long as he’s alive. He makes it more fun for everyone.

Justin Morneau almost nailed a small kid with a line drive to right field. I may be a sadistic fuck, but the kid deserved to get plunked for not paying attention. I mean, you get a chance to shag balls for some of the best Major Leauge hitters and you’re out there picking your butt? God damn.

Quick odds on Pujols beating Marneau’s one home run: 8/1

There it is. Berman did the Alcatraz reference. Jesus, is this guy predictable or what?

More Berman: “Holliday puts this ball on a holiday.” What does that even mean? In no way, in no person’s brain, could this statement make any sense.

Holliday just hit one 469 feet. Ryan Howard called him a pussy.

Also I’m calling it right now: Holliday will come in second. He’s wearing himself out in the second round, and the championship round starts from scratch. So mark it. Matt Holliday for second place.

Now Berman tried to explain his previous statement: “In Canada they say when you go on holiday, you go on vacation. He put a couple of these balls on holiday.” Okay, first off, that still makes no sense. And second, the Canadian reference doesn’t even make sense. Finally, I don’t know if you got Holliday and Morneau confused, but what’s with the Canada reference at all?

Wow. Alex Rios. Just…wow. Caught me off guard. I’m cheering for him now.

During commercials and inane chatter, I am working on filling out child support papers (hold your jokes, it gets better) and my favorite section is “If the Location of This Parent is Not Known…” and the following questions are “Has this person ever been arrested?” “Date of Arrest or Conviction,” “Name of Parole/Probation Officer,” and finally “Is this parent currently incarcerated?” (Okay, now you can let loose…Bechtel, I’m looking at you)

I’m rooting against Vlad simply because Joe Morgan picked him to win.

Well, my Holliday for #2 prediction is done. I could just go back and delete that prediction, since none of this is being posted in real time. But I’m leaving it in there to preserve my integrity. Or maybe I went back and put that in to make me look more honest than I really am. Or maybe I left it in there so you would think I went back and put it in there to make me look more honest than I really am. Did I just blow your mind?

Great. Vlad has to hit three home runs to win the Derby. Enthralling. I’m on the edge of my seat. They need to bring David Ortiz into the “booth” to make this interesting.

Vlad just got robbed by Pixar. The fucking “Cars” advertisement, which rises above of the left field wall blocked what would normally have been a home run.

ODELE! We have a champion! Good night folks.

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Stupid questions get stupid answers

When you ask someone "What is your strategy for the Home Run Derby?" exactly what kind of answer are you expecting?

Well, here's Prince Fielder's complicated strategy: "I'm just going to try to hit the ball high and far, I think."

This of course, is a contrast to Alex Rios' strategy: "I'm just going to swing the bat as hard as I can."

I can't wait to watch the chess match that is the Home Run Derby.

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Despite Apperances to the Contrary, I Am Not Joining the David Beckham Hype Machine

I'm just saying...prepare to be let down by the hype that's certainly on its way, if not already here.

If the mainstream US sports media knows how to do one thing with respect to soccer in this country, it's over-hyping things. I only need to point at the 2006 US World Cup team and the last four years of the Freddy Adu era to illustrate that point (although Adu has been playing out his damn mind at the U-20 World Cup in Canada, where the US plays Uruguay in the second round this week).

And it's happening again with David Beckham's arrival later this week. I seem to recall warning of this back in January.

With Beckham's arrival, even if you personally aren't watching, I imagine many ESPN-watchers will be tuning into their first MLS games ever with Beckham in a Galaxy shirt expecting to see world-beating performances. And perhaps that will happen. Colombian international Juan Pablo Angel has lit the league on fire (a league-leading 9 goals in 10 games) since leaving English side Aston Villa for New York. Perhaps Beckham will do the same, as he was arguably in top form leading Madrid to their first Spanish League title in 4 years in June.

But there's also a pretty good chance that you won't see some performances worthy of anything resembling top-flight soccer; and that's not Beckham's fault. At the All-Star Break, Los Angeles is currently mired at the bottom of the table with a record of 3-5-4, 13 points. That's a mark good enough for 12th place out of 13 teams. In the second half, it doesn't get any easier. In an effort to ensure tranquility among the league's owners, the schedule was structured this season to ensure that a healthy Beckham would visit each of the League's 12 other teams. As such, Galaxy still have to play 11 of their 15 road away games. Add into that fixture congestion with Galaxy's involvement in SuperLiga, the US Open Cup, and friendlies against Chelsea, Tigres, and Vancouver Whitecaps, and you end up with an overstretched team whose lack of depth has already been made quite obvious.

Even with recent additions like the signing of Honduras's Gold Cup star Carlos Pavon, the return of Landon Donovan from international duty, and the arrival of ex-Portuguese international Abel Xavier, the Galaxy are still not a very good team, and will face an uphill battle to make the playoffs. It's not an impossible task, but it's a tall order, and I think there's more bad soccer in front of LA before any kind of championship soccer. The hype machine will plow through every city Beckham visits, and if the Galaxy don't make the playoffs, the "Around the Horn" types will likely brand the move as a failure, a wild goose chase, and perhaps as "another reason why soccer will never make it in America."

Just letting you know now so you're not surprised later...

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Good Finances

Kansas State has offered an Iowa High school the right to use their logo for three years for $1.
The case stands in stark contrast to another Iowa school who has been told by the University of Wisconsin to stop using their "Motion W" logo within 5 years or face a suit for trademark infringement.

So while UW gets slapped with 5 years of attorneys fees, Kansas State gets three years of free advertising at a high school in one of the states it draws from.

Sounds like a great financial move for K-State.....and UW's lawyers.

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A made-up complaint letter by a made-up guy named Bob

Dear Person Who Owns the Chicago Cubs:

My name is Bob, and I have a complaint. Just to let you know, I've been a big Cubs fan for years, but I'm just stewing mad about my experience at Wrigley Field last night.

First of all, your street ticket vendor who sold me my ticket charged $300! Now that's outrageous. If I'd known it would be that expensive, I'd have never come! But by that time, I'd already paid for parking, so I figured, "What's another few hundred dollars?"

But here was the kicker: When I asked the usher to tell me where my seat was--oh, by the way, I have really poor vision, a premise on which this entire letter rests--she said it was in the upper-deck! $300 for an upper-deck seat? I was outraged but not surprised, what with all these high ticket prices they've ruined baseball with.

Then I heard another usher say that the police were there. Now this just scared the daylights out of me. From that piont on, my night was ruined, as I spent the whole time wondering what was amiss. And just between us, I have some priors.

So there I sat for at least an hour without any sign of the game starting--oh by the way, I also have terrible hearing, so my frequent pleas of, "What's going on here?" went unanswered by the folks around me--and all that time waiting, none of the vendors were working. I started getting hungry!

Finally, at about 9 o'clock, some music group starts playing. Apparently, what I'd thought was the tarp and grounds crew based on my really poor vision was actually a stage and musicians. By the way, you might be wondering why I would attend baseball games--not to mention how I'm able to drive to the park--with such terrible vision. Well, I'll tell you this; hearing the crack of the bat is all I need to draw me to the ballyard. Of course, I can't do that so much anymore either. So no, going to baseball games is not nearly as pleasurable as it once was for me.

Anyway, I figured this was just one of those "Disco Night" promotions that they've ruined baseball with, so I thought the group would play a song or two and be done. But it kept on going! By about 10:30, I realized that it would be at least 11:15 by the time the band stopped and the stage was cleared away for baseball. And I was already tired! And I was still hungry.

Well by 11 o'clock, I'd gotten really tired of this music group. They were playing a song where they kept screaming "Roxanne! Roxanne! Roxanne!"--by the way, I make out "r" and "x" sounds much better than others--over and over and over again. I guess that's what passes for music these days. And to think how hard I've worked my whole life when all I had to do was scream "Roxanne!" all day, and people would have paid me for it.

Anyway, the group finally stopped playing, but by then it was almost 1 o'clock! I couldn't believe they would start a baseball game so late, but who knows with all these national TV schedules they've ruined the baseball with.

Well then everyone starts cheering, and I think the game's about to start. The people next to me were chanting "Sting! Sting!" so I figured that they were fans of the road team. I'd never heard of that team before, but I figured they must be one of those new teams they keep ruining baseball with. Plus, they kept pointing and laughing at my Cubs hat and my homemade Cubs scorecard, which would have been exceedingly difficult to fill out with my severe vision deficiencies. I suppose that part of the story doesn't relate to my complaint, except to remind you that they're ruining baseball.

Well after about five minutes, the band starts playing again! At that point, I'd had it with the lack of vendors and these stadium gimmicks that they're ruining baseball with. So I got up and left.

Needless to say, it was the worst baseball experience I've ever had. Now I've been a Cubs fan for many years, and I've usually been quite satisfied. I don't want to raise a public ruckus, but I expect to receive a refund of my $300 purchase and a personal apology from you, the owner. I'm sure you're a kind, individual human being dedicated to the quality of your baseball team, so I don't feel that's too much to ask of you.

Respectfully,

Bob

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Even for Darrin Jackson, that was really horrible

Just now during the replay of a Juan Uribe home run,

DJ [in terrible Borat voice]: "That's a-niice."

Someone please punch that man. Hard.

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Jefferson:Washington::A-Rod:Jeter (or something like that)

Man, if I were Thomas Jefferson, I'd be sort of pissed right now. I also might be growing hemp and banging slaves, but mostly I'd be pissed.

Today, to celebrate Independence Day, the Washington Nationals treated fans at RFK Stadium to George Washington bobbleheads. That's right--George Washington.

Now I realize that Washington was a war hero and all at the time of the declaration's signing, but come on; Jefferson was THE guy in the whole process, was he not?

First Washington gets the nation's capital named after him; then he gets a state; then he gets the dollar bill. And now he gets the bobblehead.

Somewhere, Thomas Jefferson is like, "Hey, what's up with that?"

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Zambrano turns up heat in Final Vote election

WASHINGTON -- Carlos Zambrano wants to go to the All-Star Game, and he wants it bad.

Zambrano, who currently trails Padres starter Chris Young by a slim margin in the Monster.com All-Star Game Final Vote election, has made an aggressive push for the coveted 32nd roster spot on the National League all-star team in recent days.

Zambrano's "Z is for Me" campaign has reportedly raised $11 million in the last four days through ferverous grass roots fund raising.

"We've really tapped into the power of the internet," said Zambrano's campaign manager, Juan Carlos Raul Baez-Rodrigo. "Especially in attracting the young voters--Carlos is huge on MySpace and other social networking websites."

The Cubs pitcher has also spent his last two days in Washington D.C., where the Cubs are in town to play a four-game series against the Nationals, meeting with lobbyists on Capitol Hill.

"This guy Young thinks he's gonna take Big Z's all-star spot?" Zambrano said in a press conference before Tuesday night's start. "Big Z doesn't think so."

Zambrano justified his candidacy by noting his recent hot stretch and high strikeout total before going on the offensive against Young.

"This guy Young has nothing," Zambrano told reporters. "Nothing."

The fiery superstar discredited his opponent with a series of attacks on Young's character, including accusations of poor hygiene, small genetalia, homosexuality, a penchant for female undergarments, and an extramarital affair with a young boy. "Read my lips," said Zambrano as he pointed toward the reporters surrounding him in the dugout, "Chris Young is a fag."

Zambrano backed up his bold language on the mound, pitching 6 2/3 innings of one-run baseball to improve his record to 10-6, including a 5-1 stretch in his last six decisions. However, despite Zambrano's impressive 1.42 ERA over that same stretch, he still trails Young for the season in that category, 2.16 to 3.87.

"The smart fans--they don't care about that," Zambrano said of Young's advantage in ERA. "They know those first two months weren't me. That wasn't Big Z. That was Beelzebub. Big Z doesn't give up six runs."

Despite Zambrano's remarkable confidence, Young insists he is unfazed.

"Carlos is a fat windbag, who's probably not even legal here," Young said prior to the Padres game against the Marlins Tuesday night in San Diego. "I'm Ivy League-educated. I have friends in important places. I read a lot. I'm clearly much smarter than Carlos," added Young as he held up a stack of books.

"He's puerile at best to conjecture that he will triumph."

A spokesperson from foreveryoung.org, the Young campaign's official website, acknowledges that donation requests have increased in the last several hours. The campaign is also preparing an official statement and a television ad to refute Zambrano's accusations of pedophilia.

When addressed with the concern that voters may have difficulty distinguishing the two candidates, Young responded, "I have a 2.16 ERA. His is 4-something. I'm a 6'10" white guy. He's Venezuelan. I play for the Padres. He plays for the Cubs. What could possibly be the probelm?"

Addressed with the same concern, Zambrano responded, "Platform? Centrist? Straw polls? What the fuck are you talking about? We play baseball."

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It's as if I created this story myself

Someone alert the queen--Brian Fuentes was stripped of his title as Colorado Rockies' closer!

Excuse me for reveling a bit in someone else's failure, but it's rare that a single story indulges me with such a convenient illustration of so many favorite baseball rants: the overselection of closers in the All-Star Game, the banality of the save stat (as well as that of its more retarded cousin the blown save), the fickleness of bullpen production, the superfluousness of the "closer" title, the profuse stratification and categorization of players on MLB rosters... They're all right there in a tiny purple and black package, personally gift-wrapped for me!

So to you, Brian Fuentes, the player I was most displeased to see on an All-Star roster besides Freddy Sanchez, thank you for being my anecdotal evidence. I truly appreciate it.

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The Politics and Business of Yi Jianlian

When the Bucks drafted Yi Jianlian, you could almost hear him thinking to himself, "Where the fuck is Milwaukee?" And most of the rest of the world wonders the same thing. Most people outside of the Midwest, not to mention outside of the country, probably can't point out Milwaukee on a map, so it's understandable that the draft's third biggest story has turned into whispers of holdouts and trade demands.

Here in Milwaukee the general buzz (at least the one I've gathered) is that we better get a good deal for Yi. Even though Yi himself has said that he will play wherever he gets drafted, his posse (or handlers, or entourage, or whatever) doesn't like the idea of going to a small market city with such a low Chinese population. So most people seem to be assuming that a trade is in the works, and we (Milwaukee) are okay with that as long as we get a good return.

Well I'm here to cry foul. This could be a pivotal moment for the NBA as far as international players are concerned. If the Bucks and the NBA allow Yi to "force" a trade, it could be the end of the free market system that professional basketball currently enjoys. When I talk to people that are big sports fans, but lackluster about Major League Baseball, it's almost always because of what we'll call the New York Yankees factor. When big market teams like New York and L.A. are able to push their weight around to create an imbalanced playing field in free agency, sports leagues lose parity. And even though the biggest markets are satisfied with being in contention every year, it takes an entire country of interest for a professional sports league to thrive. Baseball is able to get away with it (though I think they could generate more fan interest with a salary cap, although I don't necessarily personally want to see a salaray cap...you know what, that's a long tangent that I'm not going to go into) but the NBA cannot live without the combined interests of markets like Milwaukee, Cleveland, Portland, Indiana, Utah, etc.

I applaud Milwaukee for calling Yi's bluff and drafting him despite being locked out of his workouts, but to complete the move they have to sign him and get him in a Bucks uniform next year. If the Bucks trade Yi it could open the floodgates, so to speak, and persuade other international talents to demand to play in cities where there is a high population of their nationality. This means that the whole market is cornered by cities like New York and L.A. (and to a lesser degree Chicago and D.C.) Teams could, like Milwaukee, draft international talent and try to get a good deal for their draft pick, but when a player is pressuring a team to trade, that team never gets a completely fair deal.

It is vital that the Bucks stay strong on this. If Yi's representatives threaten to move him back to China, let them. As much as it would pain me to see the Bucks go from having the next Dirk Nowitzki to having nothing, we already traded the first Dirk Nowitzki for nothing, soooo been there, done that.

Oh, and just to clear things up...

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