Why did you do it, Carlos?

Why did you give into your handlers? Or less cynically, your own softer, more forgiving side?

Why did you backpedal on your rightful reaction to those resentful, petulant, ignorant, indulgent bastards who pulled that neanderthal lynch-mob bullshit on you for no justifiable reason yesterday?

Why did you give every trite-ass hack scribe in the country the chance to call you a hypocrite on top of calling you an ingrate and a baby?

Why did you give the "fans" the ok to go on behaving like seven year-olds who didn't get to sit in the front seat?

Why did you do it, Carlos?

I truly believe that you're a great guy, Carlos, so I believe that you made that retraction today, not just for PR, but because you genuinely feel remorseful for the way you reacted. But why did you go so far? Why did you absolve them completely?

Why did you say, "I love the Cubs fans. I think they're the greatest fans in baseball, and you know, they have the right to boo people or to do whatever they have to do, because they've been waiting 98 years (for a championship) and sometimes we don't do a good job and they get frustrated, too."

It doesn't matter how long they've waited, Carlos. They are not in the right to treat anyone--least of all someone who's brought them so much enjoyment--the way they treated you. Remember yesterday when you said, "[The Cubs fans] showed me today that they just care about them, and that's not fair, because when you're struggling, you want to feel the support of the fans."

Remember that? You were completely right. They only care about your ERA, Carlos. They couldn't care less about you as a person. Fuck; they don't even care about baseball. They care about wearing your success, your abilities, your achievments as their own fucking badge.

Don't let them do that, Carlos.

And then you said this, Carlos: "I know the great moments of my career will come." And you know what? You're right about that too. But you've already been great. These people who blatantly disrespected you, these people who treat you and your teammates like stale gum, these clowns who'll readily boo you if you struggle in your next start then blame you for being lazy and then go into work the next day hungover and slack the fuck off all morning... These are the same people who've watched you be great. And the first moment you're not? They fucking boo you.

Don't give them the satisfaction, Carlos.

And Carlos--I know you just signed that big five-year extension, but I almost wish you hadn't. In a way, I wish those "great moments" would come elsewhere.

Because clearly, none of these people deserve it.

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Zambrano turns up heat in Final Vote election

WASHINGTON -- Carlos Zambrano wants to go to the All-Star Game, and he wants it bad.

Zambrano, who currently trails Padres starter Chris Young by a slim margin in the Monster.com All-Star Game Final Vote election, has made an aggressive push for the coveted 32nd roster spot on the National League all-star team in recent days.

Zambrano's "Z is for Me" campaign has reportedly raised $11 million in the last four days through ferverous grass roots fund raising.

"We've really tapped into the power of the internet," said Zambrano's campaign manager, Juan Carlos Raul Baez-Rodrigo. "Especially in attracting the young voters--Carlos is huge on MySpace and other social networking websites."

The Cubs pitcher has also spent his last two days in Washington D.C., where the Cubs are in town to play a four-game series against the Nationals, meeting with lobbyists on Capitol Hill.

"This guy Young thinks he's gonna take Big Z's all-star spot?" Zambrano said in a press conference before Tuesday night's start. "Big Z doesn't think so."

Zambrano justified his candidacy by noting his recent hot stretch and high strikeout total before going on the offensive against Young.

"This guy Young has nothing," Zambrano told reporters. "Nothing."

The fiery superstar discredited his opponent with a series of attacks on Young's character, including accusations of poor hygiene, small genetalia, homosexuality, a penchant for female undergarments, and an extramarital affair with a young boy. "Read my lips," said Zambrano as he pointed toward the reporters surrounding him in the dugout, "Chris Young is a fag."

Zambrano backed up his bold language on the mound, pitching 6 2/3 innings of one-run baseball to improve his record to 10-6, including a 5-1 stretch in his last six decisions. However, despite Zambrano's impressive 1.42 ERA over that same stretch, he still trails Young for the season in that category, 2.16 to 3.87.

"The smart fans--they don't care about that," Zambrano said of Young's advantage in ERA. "They know those first two months weren't me. That wasn't Big Z. That was Beelzebub. Big Z doesn't give up six runs."

Despite Zambrano's remarkable confidence, Young insists he is unfazed.

"Carlos is a fat windbag, who's probably not even legal here," Young said prior to the Padres game against the Marlins Tuesday night in San Diego. "I'm Ivy League-educated. I have friends in important places. I read a lot. I'm clearly much smarter than Carlos," added Young as he held up a stack of books.

"He's puerile at best to conjecture that he will triumph."

A spokesperson from foreveryoung.org, the Young campaign's official website, acknowledges that donation requests have increased in the last several hours. The campaign is also preparing an official statement and a television ad to refute Zambrano's accusations of pedophilia.

When addressed with the concern that voters may have difficulty distinguishing the two candidates, Young responded, "I have a 2.16 ERA. His is 4-something. I'm a 6'10" white guy. He's Venezuelan. I play for the Padres. He plays for the Cubs. What could possibly be the probelm?"

Addressed with the same concern, Zambrano responded, "Platform? Centrist? Straw polls? What the fuck are you talking about? We play baseball."

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On Big Z, man love, and fisticuffs: A four day-old commentary

Tomorrow night in the Cubs-Brewers, Carlos Zambrano will take the mound for the first time since he slapped around his catcher Michael Barrett last Friday. I only point this out fact because it offers some semblence of timeliness to excuse this post being four days late. But if calling the start a "watershed moment for the Chicago Cubs" can boost the relevence, I will term this game a Watershed Moment for the Chicago Cubs.

Anyway, I'm not so much interested in tomorrow night's game or even Z's performance as I am interested in the subject of fighting teammates. If you share the opinion of Gene Wojciechowski, you may believe that the Zambrano-Barrett slapfight spelled the unequivocal demise of the Chcago Cubs organization. Per usual, I'd advise you to share the opinion of almost anyone but Gene Wojciechowski--ideallly me.

See, I'm fairly convinced that abscence of fighting players on a team is more concerning than their presence. The peaceful team is the complacent team, as far as I'm concerned, and the lovey-dovey team is insustainable.

Compared to hockey or basketball or soccer, I realize that baseball is not as "true" a "team" sport. That perpetual codependence simply doesn't exist, and a player could excel in a vacuum where he's entirely indifferent to his team's fortunes or affairs. However, Zambrano and Barrett comprise a battery--the element on a baseball team that most belies this truth. So it makes sense that their relationship is a complex and emotional one.

I think the problem fans have with feuding teammates is born of their own work experience and work situations. They realize how damaging open feuds can be in their own work environment, so when they see Michael Barrett get his lip split, they swoon in horror.

But here's the thing. Your work is not playing baseball. Your office is not the Chicago Cubs clubhouse. Athletes' work demands are almost nothing like the most of ours--no matter how many times your bosses say, "The ball's in their court," or, "He knocked it out of the park," or, "We need a new gameplan," or...

The point is, fans should not have to be reminded of this. I think fans get pulled into these workplace analogies by all the sports-themed corporate speak and Mike Ditka motivational seminars that they begin to believe them. The parallels are, in my opinion, extremely limited, and in this case, nearly inapplicable.

The glaring difference in this case is the role of emotion. In professional sports, emotion is an indespensible tool, not some weird inconvenience that makes you cranky at 2:30 everyday. Zambrano and Barrett can't deal with emotion like most of us can at work. There's no quick hand of solitaire or five-minute stroll to the popcorn stand. There's only constant and highly visible success and failures. Most of us don't face that.

And the more one man's purpose is tied to another man, the more emotional that relationship must become. Pitching is Z's purpose. Z's catcher is a part of that. So it's so surprise that if he were to fight with anyone, it would be Barrett. For Cubs fans, the fight shouldn't be a warning sign. It should serve proof that the relationship is strong and that both men care deeply about what they do for a living.

Is throwing punches the best way to deal with this level of conflict? Well, if you're a teacher and a colleague disagrees with your curriculum, then no. But if you're a professional athlete and your only obligations are to your teammates, then yes. Cubs fans can start worrying once Zambrano and Barrett wage their feuds with the subtle. In the meantime, be happy that they're throwing punches instead.

The day after the fight saw Zambrano apologetic and Barrett forgiving. There was no prolonged psychological rift. There was no kiss-and-make-up buddy-buddy routine. Barrett didn't just say that he and Z could "work past it" or "still play togther" or "resolve differences." He said he loves him. And he said it about the man that punched him in the mouth one day before.

Of course, love between teammates is tenuous because it has to be. If it becomes warm and unconditional, it's at the expense of that necessary tension among a team. Unconditional denies the reality that the good vibe can and will fall apart eventually. It precludes two guys from coming to blows when the situation calls for it.

I have no idea what the fight will mean--if anything--to the rest of Z's season. Do I think it was the magic bullet that makes him dominant again? Unlikely. Do I think that it'ill change his outlook on the game or his team? It really shouldn't. Do I think that it forged a deeper rapport between Barrett and Z that will make the battery more effective? They've played together since '04, so they've probably long hit that ceiling.

Hell, I don't even know if Barrett will catch for Z anymore, since there had been talk even before the fight that Henry Blanco would become Z's personal catcher. If I were the type of blogger that informs people, I might be able to tell you that. Sorry, though, I only do wild conjecture. And that wild conjecture says more athletes should do like Z and Barrett.

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