Vinnie's not-as-long-as-originally-billed NBA Playoff preview: the West

1 L.A. Lakers vs. 8 Denver

The Lakers: If Andrew Bynum gets going, no one can stop this team. That's what Stephen A. said, so I'm going with that.

The Nuggets: Earlier this year, I saw J.R. Smith go off for seven 3s in a quarter against the Bulls. 84.0 ppg anyone? If there's a player who can pull it off, it's J.R.

Pick: The Lakers overcome Smith's heroics, win in 5.

2 New Orleans vs. 7 Dallas

The Hornets: I brought in our old pal Ted to break this one down. "I really like Charlotte's chances. They've been an up-and-coming franchise for a while now. I think the 'Beehive' will really come alive again with the Hornets back in the playoffs. I like them to make a run."

(Shhh... Keep quiet! Don't upset him. He'll hear eventually.)

The Mavs: Last year I was in Dallas on business while the Mavs were getting upset by the Warriors. Man, what a lame city that is. The most exciting thing to do around there is go to Rangers games or cruise around downtown humming the Dallas theme to yourself. I remember the day before Game 6, I had to go to some two-horse suburb called Temple. I came down with some wicked virus or bacterial thing, and I slept for about twenty-two hours straight in a dumpy Days Inn hotel room. And when I was awake, I was in the bathroom every half-hour. I hope I don't have to go there again anytime soon. Needless to say, I was happy to watch the Mavs lose.

Pick: Charlotte *wink* in 5.

3 San Antonio vs. 6 Phoenix

The Spurs: I hope these thugs get what's coming to them this year, and I don't mean those flowers Matt sent to Fabrico Oberto [rimshot]. I mean pain. And lots of it.

The Suns: Shaq looks like a man possessed since coming to Phoenix. Though I guess he always sorta looked like that. I've seen his soul, and he is pure evil.

Pick: Suns in 7 (because Barry Melrose thinks Steve Nash is the best player on the planet. And if anyone would know that, it's Barry Melrose.)

4 Utah vs. 5 Houston

The Jazz: No one wants to have to guard Carlos Boozer--not because he's a tough matchup but because his chest hair grosses them out.

The Rockets: Who'd have guessed back in 1991 that Dikembe Mutombo would be a starting center on a 55-win team in the playoffs? Incredibly, I did. Check out this journal entry I wrote when I was seven:

Dear jernal
Today was the werst. I tript gitting of the bus and Tyler laffed at me. I forgot my lunch but Billy gave me his banana but it was'nt ripe and Eric gave me his gushers but i was stil hungrey. I do'nt like to be a cherity case. Beging for food from frends robs a child of his dignetty. I wunder if Jenny saw me pick my nose at storey time. I thuoght no one saw but i do'nt no. Dikemby Matumbo is my faverit basketbal player and he will play in 20008. The docter sed I will be 6 feet tal then. I will be grate at basketbal like Dikemby Matumbo or pich for the Cubs and hav a thousend dollers.

Ok, so maybe I hadn't developed my understanding of numbers yet, and I couldn't spell his name right (I still can't usually), but you could tell what I meant. (And wow, that dignity thing was some pretty insightful stuff from a seven year-old, no?)

Pick: Jazz in 6.

Eastern Conference Finals: Chalk. You'd be crazy not to. But the Pistons win, except that you know they'll get screwed again and lose because of it. If you're confused who I'm picking, you're not alone.
Western Conference Finals: Lakers-Suns. Ooooh, the intrigue! Shaq-Kobe! Raja Bell-Kobe! Garicek-Vujacic (in a battle of Slavs)!
Finals pick: Lakers over Pistons.