Vinnie's long, unnecessary, half-assed, insight-free NBA Playoff preview

To make up for missing out on my second annual long, unnecessary,, half-assed MLB preview, I thought I'd give our audience a similarly asenine preview for a sport that I'm even less qualified to analyze. So let's get to this.

I'll start with the much disrespected Eastern Conference because no one else seems to be interested in them. And hey--maybe the East was just more top-heavy and unlucky, no?

No? Ok, you're right.

1 Boston vs. 8 Atlanta

The skinny on the Celtics: To quote our good friend Bill Simmons, "The Celtics are awesome and perpetually the most interesting topic in sports, despite how interesting or uninteresting they may be. I remember watching Game 3 of the 1985 conference semis with my dad in the Garden. Late in the third quarter, Dennis Johnson hit a fallaway jumper to put the C's up by four, and I remember my dad saying, 'DJ is gonna die too young from a heart attack. I just have that feeling.' I thought it was an odd thing to say at the time, but of course, Dad proved to be right. Last week I was watching the C's second-to-last game with my buddy Gus, and after Kendrick Perkins missed a free throw coming out of a timeout, Gus let out a monstrous fart that blew open my April ESPN The Magazine issue to the first page of my column. We must have laughed for ten minutes striaght."

The low-down on the Hawks: The Hawks finally answered the question that basketball fans have been asking since 1999: Can Atlanta get back to the playoffs without Steve Smith? The answer: a resounding "almost." But this year in the East, almost does count.

Pick: Celtics in 3... Huh? Oh... right. They do best-of-seven in the first round now. Ok, fine... Celtics in... 7.

2 Detroit vs. 7 Philadelphia

The buzz on the Pistons: These guys are very experienced in this situation. The situation: Playing the game of baketball. I think that experience is going to help them do the things they need to do to win, like dribbling the basketball, not picking up the basketball and walking around with it in the middle of a possession, and most importantly, putting their shoes on the correct feet.

The word on the 76ers: Their fortunes will depend on the play of Andre Iguodala, Thaddeus Yong, Andre Miller, and Samuel Dalembert. And there--I've just named every player I know on the Sixers.

Pick: Pistons in 4, unless the refs intentionally screw them like they do every year.

3. Orlando vs. 6 Toronto

The straight-dope on the Magic: Did you see that dunk Dwight Howard did at the All-Star Game? Yeah, with the cape... That was fucking awesome!

The Raptors: Did you see that Youtube video that Chris Bosh made to campaign for All-Star Game votes? Yeah, with the cowboy hat... That was fucking hilarious!

Pick: If this were the 1988 playoffs, neither of these teams would have existed. Therefore, I will not recognize any team who may or may not win this series.

4. Cleveland vs. 5. Washington

The Cavaliersss: I agree with Deshaun Stevenson. LeBron is overrated. Not at basketball but at playing the harmonica. He's no John Popper, that's for sure.

The Wizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....... Whoa, shit. I just dozed off. Not a commentary on the team. Gilbert Arenas and stuff.

Pick: Wiz in 6 (unless the games are fixed for LeBron like they were last year)


The West preview coming tomorrow when I wake up...

(Just kidding. I guarantee I never finish.)