Showing posts with label legalese. Show all posts
Showing posts with label legalese. Show all posts

Alabama and Auburn take it to court

>> Saturday


I anticipate filling a similar motion in 20 years the next time Marquette makes it to the Final Four.

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One of the worst MLB All-Star selections in the past twenty years swings bat at unarmed players

>> Wednesday

Apparently, Jose Offerman isn't quite done with baseball... at least as of yesterday he wasn't. Thanks to an incident on Tuesday in which Offerman swung his bat at a pitcher and catcher after being hit by a pitch, his playing days may be over. This reporter speculates that the outburst could put Offerman in jail for one to three years on charges of assault and battery with a weapon. Although not yet reported by major media outlets, I also am reporting that, like other sports personalities in legal trouble, Offerman's lawyers will work toward a plea bargain in the coming weeks, especially as Offerman allegedly has been implicated in recent Tour de France doping scandals and the Sergio Garcia scorecard incident this past weekend.

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Mike's Pre-Emptive Will

>> Tuesday

I'm not gonna lie, YCS Nation. Things are looking pretty bleak.

As you may know, I'm a big soccer fan, whose second home during the summer is the terraces in the Harlem End of Toyota Park, home of the Chicago Fire. I spend that time amidst the rest of the Fire's "Section 8" Fans, known for their constant support and lunacy for their team.

However, these days, it's pretty dangerous to be a Section 8 member. On Christmas morning 2006, one of our members Dan Parry was struck in his car by a drunk driver. He died as a result of the crash. We honored him at the Fire-Celtic game a week or so ago. He was 33.

A few days later, another one of our members, Brandon "Airman" Kitchens was playing soccer in a local pub league. Suddenly, Kitchens went into a violent seizure with no prior symptoms and ended up dying. He was 24.

On the way back from the funeral, Section 8 members Pattrick and Irish Steve were driving and were T-boned by an SUV. Both survived without major injury, but needless to say, the Section 8 community is a bit rattled.

I am only 23, but the people involved in the above incidents were not much older (or younger) So in lieu of these recent events, along with the large quantity of alcohol and actual things catching on fire around the section, I have determined that my life may well be in grave danger when I go to the Fire's game on Saturday night against Columbus Crew. Since I really should handle my estate, I'm listing the following provisions to be enacted in the event of my death.

To Vinnie...
I leave my Major League Baseball statbook. Recieved as a present for my 10th birthday, it contains all the stats Vinnie could want from the 1993 season. Want to know how many RBIs Will Clark knocked in? Don't mind waiting to flip through the pages instead of going on BR? You'll never be at a loss.

To Danny...
I leave my Burrito Beach frequent buyer card. Buy 12 burritos and you get one free! I already bought 6. You're halfway there!

To Nate...
I leave what's left of my blue and gold facepaint from basketball games in college. There may not be much left, but if you want to make JD a Warrior, you gotta start early.
To Matt...
I've got a couple cans of Icehouse in the fridge. You want 'em?

To Gavin...
I leave my Jacksonville Jaguars hat from grade school. Because to be honest, you're the only person I've ever met who admitted to being a Jags fan.

To Patrick...
I leave my collection of the Cubs' "Vine Line" magazines, to which I had a subscription from 1998 to 2001.

To Zuch...
The remaining stock for the T-shirt enterprise I ran senior year in college. They're all extra large and up, so I think you're the only staff member who could fill them.


To Paul...
What do you give the man who has everything?

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756 or 756*? A torn fan's dilemma

It's said that you can really only feel one of two ways about Barry Bonds, that you love him or hate him. Everyone around McCovey Cove seems to be in praise of Bonds and his pursuit to become baseball's all-time home run king, steroids or no steroids. Everyone on the other side of the fence seems absolutely convinced that Bonds used steroids and as such, he is forever branded as a cheater.

I guess I disprove that theory because I honestly can't decide. But Margaret Thatcher (I'm willing to be that's her first mention on this blog) said that standing in the middle of the road was dangerous because then you'll get knocked down by traffic coming in both directions.

So here's what I think on Bonds, not because you really give a damn what I think. (Christ, people, don't look to sportswriters, much less amateur ones. Make up your own minds.) I'm rather writing this because it will likely be decidedly less relevant once he breaks the record.

First off the case against Bonds. To the un-medical-schooled eye, it's obvious that Bonds has undergone a remarkable physical transformation over his career. However, I'm no doctor. Frankly, as the rest of this staff will attest, I don't know the first thing about body building, unless the building materials involve frozen pizza and beer. So, I can't really tell whether it's steroids or just a really good training program that's kept him in shape all these years. Looking at Bonds' statistics, it's easy to point at his 73-home run total in 2001 when he was allegedly 'roided up, and his 14-game 2005 campaign as a time for him to "clean himself out." However, such an assertion would be pure conjecture. That's the dilemma of the case around Bonds. There seems to be a lot of circumstantial evidence, but nothing hard and fast to point to. No smoking gun as it were. There's a lot of smoke, so it would be reasonable to judge that there's probably a fire somewhere, but that brings us to the second part of our story...

There really is no smoking gun. Hell, other than his '01 73-homer outlier, Bonds has pretty consistently hit 35-45 homers per season both before and after '01 when healthy. Despite that key fact, things look really bad for Bonds in terms of the public eye, and Lord knows his perpetual hostility towards the media has not helped him in this regard. But still, there really isn't any proof that Bonds is undeniably a cheater. There are investigations, subpoenas, and tell-all books, but to the best of my knowledge, there's nothing completely damning so far. Otherwise, there wouldn't be a debate at all. It would be settled fact.

On that front, we have to remember that the mainstream news media, and the mainstream sports media have both jumped the gun before when it looked pretty bad. Oops. Ever since then, whenever serious charges are thrown out (like, Bonds is a cheater) that go to the core of a person's character, we need to demand a higher standard of proof rather than just allegations and circumstantial evidence. However, at the same time, with one of sport's greatest records being threatened, fans feel a need to ask those same tough questions of any dubious claim on the title.

In the end, it's kind of sad, and maybe on a deeper, more pretentious level, it's a microcosm of our public debate in general because both sides are firing accusatory questions past each other, without really taking all the facts into account.

And why should they? Their minds are already made up and nothing is going to change that. Bonds is already the greatest home-run hitter ever, if not the greatest all-around player ever and damn what anyone else thinks. They're just jealous. Bonds is a cheater and a disgrace to the game, and damn any absence of proof. We don't need any.

PS: I included the picture because I thought it was funny.

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