This Is Old, But Shut Up Because I Just Saw It

We pile on Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel columnist Michael Hunt all the time around here but I thought this nugget deserved mentioning. In an article from last Wednesday about the Brewers and Ned Yost, Hunt asked:

"So to the question that lingers 70 games into a season in which the Brewers are playing serious catch-up with the maybe uncatchable Chicago Cubs: Should Lightning Rod Ned stay or go?"

Seriously, JS editors? You're letting a sentence like that go from your flagship columnist? Give me a break.

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Because we love kickin' 'em while they're down

Seems YCS's old friend Mike Hunt is up to his old tricks. The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel's unfortunately named columnist has stated that Wisconsin must not sell its soul for BCS glory. Without a doubt, the transformation of University of Wisconsin athletics over the last two decades has been remarkable. But like Lenny in Memento, Hunt seems to have forgotten a few things along the way.

"Face it, Wisconsin has what a lot of schools would commit various crimes and misdemeanors for: For the most part, the Badgers recruit good citizens, take academics more seriously than most public institutions, don't get in trouble with the NCAA, fill an 80,000-seat stadium and win."

This is pretentious at best and selectively forgetful at worst. At the very least, it's a generous use of "For the most part." Hunt goes on to elaborate how UW faces a unique set of challenges including academic eligibility/recruiting to a northern climate, etc.

Good citizens? Yes. As much as I hate the Badger sports teams, most of the people I know who went there are fine, upstanding individuals. At least, the ones that I know went there and weren't students through the magic of photoshop. However, UW has had its fair share of problems over the past few years in keeping its players out of trouble with the law. While problems like this surface at every school, it's laughable for Hunt to claim UW student-athletes as a paragon of virtue that hampers their recruiting efforts. The Athletic department has been hit with similar problems and has only recently gotten off of probation.

As for academics, forgive me if I don't realize this because I only spent 3 1/2 years in the Dairy State as a proud member of the hated Jesuit school down the street, but while UW-Madison is above and beyond the best public university in Wisconsin, are its academic standards really that much more demanding than any other state school with a big-time football program? More so than Ohio State? Than Michigan? Than USC? Than Florida?

Is the climate in Madison that much different than other powers with similar issues? Madison is at about the same line of latitude as Flint, Michigan. Flint is about a 45-minute drive north of apparently tropical Ann Arbor. Follow the line east, and you'll find Manchester, NH, only about an hour outside of Boston; home to a BC team that has a pretty strong emphasis on academics, has to deal with New England winters, and somehow made it to the ACC Championship game. Madison is actually farther SOUTH than Eugene, Oregon, who a few weeks ago had their Ducks in the National Championship hunt.

Combining climate and academics, Notre Dame also deals with a northern wintry climate, and while the Irish are on the downturn now, and perhaps annually overrated, ND has done what has been needed to get into three BCS bowls (2001, 2006, 2007), which at the moment, is one more than Wisconsin. While I won't be audacious enough to claim that at Notre Dame, all the players are budding geniuses and there's no way any of them were brought in primarily for their football playing ability, I won't be like Hunt and claim that such is the case at UW, and that their academic standards are the Badgers' cross to bear alone.

But the bottom line may come in that UW is not a national elite power because UW is barely...or not even a CONFERENCE power. UW has not beaten Michigan and Ohio State in the same season since 1981. While Big Ten scheduling difficulties have played a part in that in recent years, UW has had many opportunities to take on both traditional powerhouses in the same season. Even in many of the campaigns where they only played one or the other, failed to beat that one. Without at least one quality win in conference, UW will not be able to compete nationally with Floridas, Ohio States, and Texases. However, there were plenty of nonconference resume padders against San Diego State and UNLV in that span though...

It's no secret that Michigan-Ohio State is THE GAME for the Big Ten every year. At times it seems the other games just lead up to it. It's probably why the game is played on the last weekend of the season instead of in August or September. Even when the Conference Champion turns out to be someone other than Michigan or Ohio State (Northwestern in 1995 comes to mind), the game has a pivotal role to play in its outcome. Wisconsin has only won one Big Ten title outright since JFK was shot (1999), and shared two others (1993 and 1998). This puts them in the same Big 10 title eschelon as Northwestern (outright title in 1995, shared in 1996 and 2000). Until Wisconsin can regularly add its name to the Old Firm mix of Michigan and Ohio State, they will be forever playing third fiddle.

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Mike Hunt...is shaking with anticipation...is sweating in the presence of Barry Bonds...cannot write a coherant column because he is in fact, a cunt

We here at YCS have had our fair share of laughs at the expense of mainstream media trying to cover small market teams, but you know what's waaaaaaaaaay funnier? Small market media coverage of mainstream stories. To be more specific, small market, sweaty journalists with a fourth-grade education and a hilarious name working for a shitty newspaper, writing an even shittier column on mainstream stories.

And thus I bring you to the latest installment of our special Milwaukee series, "Can you believe this second-rate columnist's parents actually named him Michael Hunt?" Comedic gold.

There is no video on this one. I apologize, though I'm really saving you from some horrible images that would later have to be burned out of your mind with some sort of ritual involving the blood of a virgin.

Now, you know the column is going to be a gem when he starts out with this longwinded...um, I don't know, can you call it a joke?

If you happened to be sitting outside the Miller Park foul poles Thursday it was hard to keep your eyes off the left-field wall, but not because of anything Geoff Jenkins or EricByrnes were doing in the course of their daily responsibilities.
Do you see where he's going with this one? Me neither.
That's where the San Francisco-Chicago score was being periodically flashed for the benefit of the morbidly curious, except that someone from stadium maintenance neglected to affix skull-and-crossbones stickers as a warning of the area's toxicity.
um...still not making much sense. If I weren't out to ridicule you, I would have stopped reading by now.
You looked for the same reason you can't avert your gaze from a highway pileup or a Journey music video. To cite the apocalyptic Col.Kurtz, "The horror . . . the horror."
JESUS FU-...Okay, has anyone ever explained to you the concept of 'hooking' the reader? Has anyone ever explained to you that it's horrible journalism to string something out...and out...and out...and to do so in THE FUCKING LEAD? We're three paragraphs in and no logical being could possibly understand what you're babbling about. Forchrist's sake, why the hell do they make us take any journalism classes at all, if this is what is considered the best sports writing in the city of Milwaukee?
The Cubs . . . or Barry Bonds?
I'm sorry. What?
That's almost like being asked to choose between Yi Jianlian's reps and Drew Rosenhaus.
What?
Michael Vick and Vlad the Impaler.
WHAT?
Tony Montana and Tony Soprano.
You ate paint chips as a child, didn't you?

Now, you might think that this is an article about a hypothetical debate within Mike Hunt's mind over which is worse, Bonds or the Cubs. (Kind of like "Who's Now?" except no televisions get beer bottles thrown at them). But you, logical reader who has come to understand the basic concept of column writing, could not be more wrong.

He quickly answers that question, which remember he has spent the first 144 words leading up to, by saying that if you had to choose, you would take Barry. Not because the Cubs are the Brewers only legitimate challenge to the division crown. No, because Cubs fans puke in our parking lot and act like jerks. Okay, let's move on. Hope you enjoyed wasting five minutes of your life to follow Hunt's path to a dead end. So, whoops, back up. Quick, write a seamless transition into what you really want to talk about.

Anyway, Bonds may even be more receptive than your average Cubs fan to an entreaty for civility among baseball's most polite assembly:

Just don't do it here, Barry.

Note to anyone trying to become a legitimate journalist. If you find yourself starting a paragraph with the great tangent-follower, "Anyway..." go back and delete the last three graphs. At least. Actually, you're probably better off starting over. Not the column. Your career. Try something that doesn't involve writing.

And now that we've actually gotten to the "point" of the column, it was better off going down the Bonds vs. Cubs trail. Anyone who thinks that Bonds is going to break the record, or even tie the record, on the road, is insane. Now I'm not going to go over all the reasons that this is a dumb idea for a column, fueled by even dumber arguments. If you want to make yourself laugh and gag at the same time, read it for yourself.

I just want to counter that horrible opening with an even more horrible ending.

Maybe this could be averted if Bonds hits No. 754 tonight. Maybe then the Giants would sit him the rest of the series.
Then why did you write this column? Really, with Yi holding out, but maybe not holding out...Adam Dunn trade rumors swirling and dying in the span of a day...Matt Wise getting his second career hit...and the very-soon-to-be home run king coming to your city...THIS was the best story idea you could come up with. And then, at the very end of the column, you mention that there is a POSSIBILITY that Bonds would sit if he got within one home run of the record, a very likely possibility. So your whole column was pointless. Except of course as one hell of an example of terrible journalism. I can't wait to see how you wrap this one up.
Just a thought. Anywhere but here on Henry's turf.
Ah, I see you chose the two-sentances-that-have-no-connection-to-each-other route. Very nice. Seriously, I applaud your ability to cap such a shitstorm with a non-conclusion that doesn't even make sense. Do you just throw sentances into a hat and randomly select their order?

This is where I would conclude with another Mike Hunt joke, but he has finally overshadowed his name with what might possibly be the worst column ever printed in an actual newspaper. As a writer and a Milwaukee native, I am truly embarrassed. I think I will crawl into my bed and slowly rock back and forth until I lose consciousness.

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Michael Hunt presents "Mike's Monologue": No towel edition

Nate's most recent post reminded me that I haven't kept my promise to update our readers whenever Milwaukee Journal Sentinel columnist Mike Hunt breaks out a new installment of his webcast "Mike's Monologue."

Sure enough, Hunt has delivered two monologues since the last update. In this most recent installment, a straight-from-the-shower Hunt talks to his camcorder about David Halberstam and asks it some trivia questions. Shockingly, it has yet to answer them. But maybe you can.

Enjoy!

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Michael Hunt presents "Mike's Monologue": 3/30 installment

You may be wondering, "Why are you making a post that offers nothing but a two-week old link to a mid-sized city's sports columnist's ameteurish webcast?"

The answer is quite simple. A couple weeks back, Nate and I decided that a big, sweaty, mulleted guy named Mike Hunt (oops, Michael--totally fooling everyone) making bland observations about local sports is something too funny to be hoarded among Milwaukeeans alone. And yes, we are that immature to be continually amused by a guy named Mike Hunt.

So as a service to you readers around the world who don't regularly turn to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel for your news, we will bring you each new installment of "Mike's Monologue" as they appear. (If we actually remember to do this.)

In this latest, now-two-week-old "Mike's Monologue," Mike reads stats from a pretend five-game World Series, demonstrates his rather childlike understanding of global warming, and gets real about conspiracy theories.

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