Mike Vickin'

Two stories I want to touch base on about current media whipping boy Mike Vick. I won't go into my whole grumpy rant about how it's a bunch of bullshit that people are so terribly up in arms about the whole dogfighting thing, but seriously, they're fucking dogs and I don't give a shit.

First story is one I heard on sports talk radio on my way home from work yesterday, and although I don't really pride myself on getting my sports news from talk radio, this one was too good to pass up.

Apparently, the NFL will not air this year's QB Challenge competition from some tropical island in which a bunch of crappy guys that aren't Brett Favre, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady battled over who has the best footwork on a three-step drop and who can throw the ball through a ring the most. The reason, you ask? Is it because they realized that a choreographed skills competition won by Josh McCown is utterly unwatchable and rendered laughable on its face because it was won by Josh McCown?

Nope. It's 'cuz Mike Vick was in it.

I'm cereal. The NFL, like so many South American dictators have chosen to make its embattled superstar a desaparecido.

"Mike Vick? Who's Mike Vick? Are you thinking of Vince Young? No, I'm pretty sure you are. Isn't Vince Young awesome? He's on the cover of Madden this year. Here, watch this highlight of Peyton Manning, he won the Super Bowl last year by himself. He's in a bunch of commercials. No, the Falcons quarterback is currently, and as far as I know, has always been Joey Harrington."

Seriously, Germans are more forthright about the six years between 1939 and 1945 than the NFL is about Mike Vick and his pit bullin' shenannigans.

Now, as if it couldn't get any worse for Vick than hearing that his two primary co-defendants have decided to roll on him, word is that prosecutors are going to attach additional charges to his federal indictment to make it a RICO case. In case you're wondering (Sever...) what RICO is or why this matters, just look up John Gotti and the Gambino crime family and you'll quickly find out that this really, really sucks for Vick. Now, if Vick doesn't plead out, it'll be even easier for the prosecutors to convict him.

Anyway, that may suck on its own, but on top of that, now there's this story. A South Carolina inmate is now suing Vick for $63 billion because, he alleges, Vick stole his pitbulls and sold them to, wait for it, buy missles from Iran.

Read that last sentence again. This guy seriously thinks Mike Vick was buying missles. From Iran. A famous NFL quarterback was buying missles, this guy says. Buying them, he says, from Iran.

No, really, it's a real lawsuit.

Seriously.