An Open Letter to Fans Attending Tonight's Packers/Vikings Game

Listen up, cockmeisters.

I'm only going to say this shit once, so put down the fucking stein of original recipe Schlitz and pay fucking attention. You, the fat chick in the John Jurkovic jersey with the mustache - eyes on me.

What follows are the ground rules for tonight's game at Lambeau Field. Close and meticulous adherence to these is mandatory, and failure to heed these warnings will result in your immediate removal from the stadium and forced relocation to a small, poorly-lit trailer court just outside Poynette, WI.

1. Before entering the gates of Lambeau, you will admit and accept that Brett Favre is no longer playing for the Green Bay Packers. As such, any of you slapdick mouth breathers attempting to enter Lambeau wearing a Favre Jets jersey will be denied entrance and escorted from the Greater Fox Valley area.

2. Aaron Rodgers is the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers. You will accept this and support him. Acceptable nicknames include: A-Rod, A-God and Professor Beardsley the Champion Mustache Wrangler. Unacceptable nicknames include: That Fucking Asshole, Brett Favre and BOOO.

3. Please attempt to make your tacit racism a bit less obvious. There will be only 2,000 fans allowed in wearing AJ Hawk jerseys. The rest of you have to cheer for a black guy.

4. It's fucking September. No blaze orange. Also, this means no hunting rifles. Leave them in the cab of the rusted 1987 Chevy Silverado you drove to the game (safeties on, please).

5. Leave the homemade signs depicting Ted Thompson at home. Nobody cares what you think and your witticisms fail to impress me.

That's all, but remember: you low-rent, unwashed cousin fuckers claim to be Packers fans. Please conduct yourselves in a manner befitting the Green Bay Packers or face the consequences. Remember - Ted Thompson didn't blink when he shipped the most beloved player in franchise history off to the New Jersey swamps. He won't think twice about doing the same to you and your snaggletoothed daughter about whom you're so proud because she just got in to Gateway Tech.

That is all.

Go Pack Go.