Maybe 13 or 14 just to be safe

Current espn.com featured comment, courtesy of user Mark535042, regarding the Cleveland Browns' offseason acquisitions:

"They're going to need at least 12 wins to make the playoffs in that division."

That's a pretty bold statement from Mr. 535042, considering how rare it is for an 11-win team to miss the playoffs in the NFL. I wonder if he realizes that hasn't happened since the Faketown Invisibles finished last in the Bizzaro Football League with a record of 11-0.8 back in 1950NEVER.

Let's see... 535042. On a rotary phone, that would spell "kelzib," or German for "dickhead." So let me be the first to say: good call, dickhead.

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"And With the 1st Pick in the 2008 NBA Draft, the Chicago Bulls Select:"

Semih Erden 7"0 Center from Gaziosmanpasa, Turkey

Thats right, fuck all this Derrick Rose nonsense...this is the real gem of the draft!!! Don't blow it Pax!

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Let us pray

Pater Noster, qui es in ping-pong balls, sanctificetur nomen tuum. Adveniat regnum tuum. Fiat voluntas Stern, sicut in caelo et in United Center. Derrick Rose nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie, et dimitte nobis debita nostra sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus Tyson Chandler-for-P.J. Brown. Et ne nos inducas in 2009 NBA Draft Lottery, sed libera nos a John Paxson.

Amen.

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Krukie Kwotes

We've been known to be a bit "edgy" on this blog in the past, but I know one thing: None of us would ever be so callous as to make fun of a cancer survivor sharing his thoughts on a remarkable accomplishment by a fellow cancer survivor.

...Until today. Unfortunatey, I cannot 100% confirm this quote to be verbatim because I'm going off memory, but I assure you the meaning is accurate. John Kruk, last night on BBTN had this to say about the significance of Jon Lester's no-hitter:

"There are people out there with cancer who now believe they'll beat the illness because of what Jon Lester did tonight."

[Monday night, cancer ward, Massachusettes General Hospital]
TV announcer: ...the two-strike pitch to Collaspo... He did it! A no-hitter for Jon Lester!
Doctor: How about that? A no-hitter.
Patient: [elated] You know what this means doc?!
Doctor: The Sox picked up a game on the Rays?
Patient: No, I'm cured!!!!!
Doctor: Cured?
Patient: Cured!
Doctor: Remember this afternoon when I said you'll need at least ten more years of treatment, and even then you'll be lucky to live past 50?
Patient: But Jon Lester threw a no-hitter! And he had cancer! I'm cured!!!! [leaps out of bed, pirouettes, sprints into the hallway, starts randomly high-fiving nurses, unplugging medical equipment, and guzzling Dixie cups of pills]
Doctor: No... You're not! And you just took a half-dozen diuretics!
Patient: ...Cured cured cured cured...!
Doctor: Nurse--Could you bring a few extra sets of sheets to 306? This lunatic's gonna be pissing the bed all night...

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Random Thoughts While Eating My Wheaties!!!

1.) Special Olympic stud Oscar Pistorius won the right to compete in Bejing this summer with his super duper carbon fiber "Cheetahs." Let me be the first to congratulate that tool arbitrator who destroyed even playing fields.
2.) That said, rumors have been swirling about the Cubs forgoing the July trading deadline and thus deciding to cut off Kerry Wood's arm and replace it with a super bionic launch pad that will throw 325 mph.
3.) The Pittsburgh Pirates are 21-23. But are 20-15 against teams not named the Cubs. Further proof the National League just sucks
4.) It took the Yoster 2 months to remove the Gag-ne as his teams closer...proof that the Brewers are, well the Brewers.
5.) How long till the Cubs realize that they are, well the Cubs?
6.) Times are tough... especially for Purdue safety Torii Williams who was busted for using his five-finger discount on what else....condoms. Seriously?
7.) More people should dress like Don Cherry, he obviously knows something we don't.
8.) Over-Under # of games the Pistons get royally screwed: 4
9) What happened to real basketball? I mean, whats with all this pyrotechnic crap with some semi-retarded jackass screaming the starting lineups? And what happened to players actually warming up? Where's the "Three Man Weave," the fundamentally sound layups, calisthenics? Lets get back to the basics people!
10.) Tony Kornheiser is being forced out of his position with the Washington Post...so we can read more nonsense by writers such a Jason Whitlock and Jay Mariotti. Tony, you transcended sports journalism and have the utmost respect by everyone who writes for this Blog.

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Pick-on-Hawk Week continues

Or cliched hyperbole-style:

"I swear... every break... on a bad call by an umpire... has gone against us on this road trip."

-Ken "Hawk" Harrelson, colorful and popular White Sox play-by-play announcer after a close force play during today's Giants-White Sox game

To be fair to Hawk, I never heard him complain about balls and strikes at any time throughout the scattered moments of today's game that I actually saw, which may have marked the first time I've watched a Sox game this year when I could say that. Of course, I only caught about three innings total, and I stake my spotless reputation on the probability that he uttered at least one, "Where was that pitch?" or, "That was a strike when Paulie was up there," over the course of today's game.

The point is, Hawk needs to understand something: the Major League Baseball Umpires Union does not have--nor has ever had--an organized conspiracy to screw over the Chicago White Sox. Go ahead--call me naive. Call me blind. Say I'm too trusting of authority. But I don't believe that sports umpires and officials--on the whole--show arbitrary bias in favor or against particular teams or players, with the exception of NBA officials' persistent effort to break the will of Rasheed Wallace.

I also believe it's statistically remote--to the point of being impossible--that luck has gone against the Sox on every single borderline call over the course of this baseball season (not to mention the past two seasons during which Hawk's whining has gradually escalated to where it is today).

And that leads me to the one plausible conclusion: Hawk Harrelson has a severe personality disorder and needs to be institutionalized.

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Bumparoo

I just wanted to give a quick apology for our absence the last few days. I was off in scenic Davenport, Iowa on business earlier this week; Paul and Mike had med school and law school finals; and I'm sure everyone else had some good excuse too.

Hopefully I'll be back later today with one of my half-assed nonsense Friday lunch-break posts. 'Til then!

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We Hardly Knew Ye, Timmy!

Tim Floyd lived up to his reputation of being college basketball's best used car salesman...So, was that First Round exit worth it?

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Perspective

ESPN Bottomline: "An Olympic spokesperson says that none of the 31 venues for the 2008 Summer Olympics were damaged in the 7.9 Earthquake that killed 9,000."


Good to see we've got things in perspective here.

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Hawk and DJ: As dedicated to their blog as we are

I was over at the Chicago Tribune web-site this morning, and I decided to navigate the link to my second-favorite internet web-log, Hawk and DJ's baseball blog to see what fine insights these baseball veterans of a combined 21 years playing experience have offered in recent days.

Unfortunately, all I saw on the front page were videos of game highlights and Stats Inc. factoids and series previews. In fact, I had to go all the way back to April 9 to find the most recent Hawk post and March 15 for the latest DJ piece, which was his first since a blurb about a Jon Garland hot streak last June 4.

Fortunately for those of us who sorely miss Hawk and DJ's cutting analysis, I think I can fill in. I've watched enough White Sox games over the last several years to know how they would size up the recent doings of the Sox if they had the time to post. So first, let's hear from Hawk...

Different game

It's a shame the way the umpires have taken over the game. Ten, twenty, thirty years ago, you'd never see that. Guys just can't throw inside anymore. I've never seen as many exploding bats as I have in the last five years. Guys used to prefer ash bats, but more guys are going to maple. There was a pitcher I played with in Kansas City by the name of John O'Donoghue who we liked to call "Odelayheehoo" for short. We were playing Cleveland one time, and Rocky Colavito tagged Odie for a homerun in the first inning. Rocky was sort of a hot dog, and he started walking toward first when the ball left the bat, and Johnny-O didn't take too kindly to it. You never saw that sort of thing forty, fifty, sixty years ago. He said, "The next time he comes up, I'm gonna knock him on his backside before he even gets to the dish." Of course, he didn't use the word "backside." So as Colavito was leaving the on-deck circle next time up, O-dog pelted him right in the kisser. And that was before they made guys wear helmets. You don't see that anymore. You see a lot more maple bats today because they have a little more pop in them. I always preferred a good piece of ash. The umpires have to remember that the fans come out to see the players perform, not the umpires. Most of the umpires are very good, but some of them aren't as good. Just like there are good and bad ballplayers, there are good and bad umpires. You just want them to call balls and strikes the same for both sides.

Stretch! Stretch! Stretch!... Mercy! Dadgummit...

And now DJ...

Positive signs

I completely agree, Hawk. After a rough patch, Juan Uribe seems to be finding his rhythm. We all know that when Juan gets into a groove, he's one of the most dangerous hitters in the American League. He reminds me a lot of a guy I used to play against on the San Francisco Giants named Jose Uribe because they both used to play shortstop and have the last name Uribe. The young starting pitchers show no signs of slowing down, and you know Mark Buehrle will get back to pitching like the Cy Young-caliber ace we know he is. Jose Contreras looks fully healthy again, and I think he could have a career year. And we all know what the "Silent Assassin" Javy Vazquez can do. Kenny Williams has made some excellent moves, and Ozzie has these guys energized and playing hard. I think the Sox are hitting their stride, and I really think they will get in a groove. Kenny Williams has put together a great team, and you know this team will find its rhythm and be in the mix come September.

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