What a country we live in... I tell ya

>> Monday

As I've lived without cable for the past month, the ESPN phenomenon / self-parody "Who's Now?" had existed entirely in the barbs of friends and bloggers until last night, when I caught the final results on the late SportsCenter. The announcement, disappointingly, was not the comedic, drawn-out affair I'd expected, but it was enough for me to lose respect for the following people: Tiger Woods for releasing an official statement thanking the fans for the "honor" and congratulating ESPN on the "cool" feature, Michael Wilbon (for whom my respect has long waned) for offering post-result commentary, and the handful of athletes and entertainers (Brady Quinn, LT, Jeff Gordon, Common, a few others I'm forgetting) for offering their pick of "Tiger" or "LeBron" to the ESPN cameras.

As for the 370,000+ people who dignified this farce with a vote, I am disgusted. That's 370,000 people that actually vested some interest--which is far, far too much interest--in the outcome of "Who's Now?" Piggybacking the whole "more people vote for American Idol than for the president" thing, only 205,000 people, by comparison, voted in the 2006 Alaska gubernatorial election. Granted, I'm comparing a population of 600,000 to the Xmillion people who watch ESPN daily, but still. Granted also, it's far easier to vote via online poll or text message or whatever ESPN used than to show up at a polling place, but still. Granted also, getting to a polling place in November in Alaska requires ten sled dogs and an Eskimo guide, but still.

And last of all, to the thousands of bloggers who've spent countless minutes of your short existence angrily ripping the "Who's Now?" segment--especially those of you joining the parade at the very end when the issue has long been beaten into the ground--I am most disgusted with you. You should seriously all go hang yourselves.

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Yellow Chair Sports now YouTubes!

>> Sunday

Well, Vin is spending the night here at my apartment... and we were enjoying a ridiculous Sportscenter on-screen graphic: a graphic about Manny Ramirez called "Manny Being Manny", a graphic which only a video could accurately describe. Thus, we decided YCS should get a YouTube account and join another part of the internet media revolution!

From here on out, I vow to have my video capture card running during any sports viewing I do. I don't get any Chicago or Milwaukee stations, and I don't get FSN. However, I do have all ESPN networks and the NFL Network. As a result, there should definitely be enough cool stuff to throw on YCS's YouTube account, aptly named "yellowchairsports" on YouTube.

To prove I'm serious, I've uploaded a clip of Brett Favre on 'Sunday Conversation'. It's not very remarkable, and I don't feel like commenting on the content. I'll leave that to you Favre diehards...Well, I would like to point out the awkward reference to Brett Favre as "the NFL's Peter Pan". That's worth watching.

Enjoy the video before it's taken down by some schlep at ESPN whose job is to find illegal ESPN content on YouTube:

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Hahaha, Good One. Wait, You Were Serious?

>> Friday

Warning: Extremely long and not all that well done.

I don't really like to pick on other bloggers too much. After all, we're all in this new medium together, spreading rebellion and damning the man and whatnot, but sometimes, I just have to. While the blogosphere gives everyone a voice and often leads to really intelligent debate and commentary, it sometimes turns out like talk radio and reminds us of why we should be damn glad that only 40% of the country votes.

Today's late-term sports commentary abortion comes from the blog "I'm Writing Sports," which prior to today, I'd never heard of. I'm sure the dude that writes it has never heard of us either, so we're at least starting off on even ground.

It's clear that the article was written yesterday around the point that it looked like the Cubs had finally overtaken the Brewers in the NL Central race. Now, let's get one thing straight: I actually may agree with this guy on some aspects of what he's talking about. Overall, though, all he does is complain about how teams don't develop their own stars "anymore" and just buy championships. Surprisingly, this blog post was not dated August 3, 1979.

I'll do my best to take the best of this thing and look at it FJM...er...YCS style, but I encourage you to read the original post if you're a really hardcore masochist.

For a minute there I was starting to think that the Chicago Cubs weren’t going to be able to buy their coveted National League Central title. After an amazing stretch that saw them win 33 of 50, they’re right back in the thick of things. I just hope that the Wrigley faithful can enjoy this. I know they’ve been suffering for a long time, but going for a title this way is like being a 99-year-old virgin and finally getting “lucky” at your local bunny ranch.

See what he did there? He set up the post and further drew you in with a snappy one liner about old people sex. Bill Simmons would be proud.

Call me old fashioned, crazy, or out of touch if you wish, but I fail to find the honor in going out and literally buying yourself the title.

While out of touch is probably a good start, I think a better term would be revisionist. The fact that you don't see the honor in a team doing everything in its power to win a championship is kinda dumb. Sure, you hear this argument a lot in sports, people complain about how the Yankees win because they have the most money, but the truth is, every single team would do exactly the same thing if they had that kind of scratch. Also, little known fact - GM's refer to their payrolls as "scratch."

Also, as to your being revisionist - I'll address this further down the road.

Now-a-days having an owner with deep pockets that’s willing to spend is more important than a solid minor league system. What happened to the days of Bird Dogs trudging around towns that no one knew existed beating the bushes for the next Babe Ruth?

I find an endless amount of humor in the fact that he actually used the phrase "now-a-days" in this article. I think Garrison Keillor writes this blog.

Also, funny you should bring up Babe Ruth. Ruth himself basically disproves what you're saying here about this being anything close to a new phenomenon. See, the way Ruth became a Yankee is because the Sox were almost bankrupt and needed to get some quick cash, or "scratch." So, they sold their best player to the team with the most money, who then proceeded to parlay having "the best baseball player ever," whom they "bought," into four World Series and 2 American League pennants.

Side note: did you know that despite having a 207 career OPS+ (seriously, read that again, that's not a typo), Babe Ruth only won the MVP once? And it wasn't the year he hit 60 homers, either, Gehrig won it that year. That seems insane to me.

Speaking of Gehrig and those '20's Yankees teams, there's something else I should point out. While many think of "buying" a team only in today's context of paying a ton of money for free agents, this has been going on pretty much since baseball started. What used to happen is that those "Bird Dogs" would find the best players, but most of the time most teams would find them. What would then happen is that the teams with the most money would eventually sign the best players because, obviously, they had the most money. That's how Gehrig, Mantle, Maris and the rest of the plaques in monument park got there. Serious, no foolin'.

With the modern system of scouting clubs rely more on common services and computer printouts than guys with a brain and a nose for the game.

This sentence follows the previous paragraph. Seriously. It seems really out of place, and I think Joe Morgan and Bill Plaschke collaborated on this.

Also, in re: "computer printouts:"

GM: "Well, what do you think, should we sign this guy?"

Scout: "I don't know, let me check the computer printout."

Goes over to giant 60's style computer with a ton of flashing lights and shit on it

Scout: "Well computer, should we get this guy?"

Computer: "100111100010100100001001"

Scout: "Get him signed, pronto!"

You don’t need Branch Rickey to tell you that a kid with a 98 mph heater might be a good prospect, but what about the kid that gets guys out with a 12-6 curve ball that breaks knees? That’s the grey area that gets lost somewhere in the black ink and white paper. You have to get to know a kid to understand his game, especially if he beats people with brains, intangibles and sheer guts. There are just some things that can’t be read on a radar gun.

No, but most of those things can be told via the stat sheets and stuff. Presumably, the kid with the 12-6 curveball that "breaks knees" has a gigantic K/9IP ratio, which should tell you he's pretty good. Also, the pitchers who beat people with "brains, intangibles and sheer guts" are usually relying on "great control." It's not supernatural.

In re: the '04 Red Sox: Boston might be a prime example of capitalism in sports, and sure they bought a title, but at least they didn’t go about it as shamelessly as the Yankees.

Now, I assume he means that Boston didn't sign guys like A-Rod and shit who were just the most expensive, but just for fun, consider this:

2004 Red Sox Roster - How Acquired
C Jason Varitek - homegrown
1B David Ortiz - from Minnesota
2B Mark Bellhorn - from Colorado
3B Bill Mueller - from San Francisco
SS Orlando Cabrera - from Montreal
LF Manny Ramirez - from Cleveland
CF Johnny Damon - from Kansas City
RF Gabe Kaplar - from Detroit
SP Curt Schilling - from Arizona
SP Bronson Arroyo - from Pittsburgh
SP Pedro Martinez - from Montreal
SP Derek Lowe - from Seattle
SP Tim Wakefield - from Pittsburgh
CP Keith Foulke - from Oakland
SU Mike Timlin - from Philadelphia

Of all those players, the Red Sox scouted and developed exactly one of them. 1. Jason Varitek. The others, they bought or traded for.

The Brewers are the last of a dying breed and the Cubs are the present and the future of sports. The scouted versus the purchased. The entitled veterans against the naïve new jacks.

Not true. See, teams like Milwaukee, Oakland and Minnesota will never have the kind of money that the Yankees, Red Sox or Cubs do. So, what happens is that they're forced to get a little bit more creative with how they assemble a roster. Maybe it's a few more bargain basement trades or a better farm system, but this isn't likely to change, ever. They'll always be behind monetarily as long as baseball has no salary cap. So, the small-market team is not a dying breed. Trust me.

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Lombardi Biopic In The Works

Seriously. Kind of surprising actually that they've never done this before. I wonder if they'll be able to get Jerry Stiller like in those old Nike ads. Those were awesome.

Brett Favre's story is certain to be out 2010, at the latest. Come to think of it, they just came out with it. It was called Live Free or Die Hard.

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Not my favorite player!


Bud Selig has really done it this time! An 80-game suspension for Neifi Perez?! I will never watch baseball again. It's ok, Neifi. Dusty Baker still loves you.

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Eddie Vedder: Great artist, lousy interview


While my third-shift job dampers my social life considerably, it allows me to watch all the daytime baseball (that is, when the games are actually aired). This afternoon, I am watching the Cubs game on WGN as a temporary Mets fan. With Pearl Jam in town for Lolapalooza, fans at Wrigley were treated to an Eddie Vedder rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," which of course means that fans watching on TV were treated to a half-inning interview with the same man...not so much of a treat.

From the second Vedder stepped into the booth with Len Kasper and Bob Brenly, I realized that the next three outs could not come soon enough. Now, I've seen a few Cubs games this year and particularly remember guests like Jeff Green and Dennis Miller, who initiated every conversation and practically had to be dragged out of the booth. Not Eddie. Kasper continually tried to initiate some kind of back-and-forth, but to no avail. For example, when he asked Vedder what it was like to throw out the first pitch at Wrigley Field, his answer was, "Uh, I don't know." End of discussion. I bet he makes a great date.

Finally, Vedder mentioned something about needing a haircut, and Kasper began grasping for anything that could be considered an interview...

Kasper: "Well that's kind of the rock and roll thing, isn't it? What's the longest you've ever let your hair grow out?"

Vedder (after a short pause): Wow, this is really interesting information.


Come on man! Throw him a bone!

The longest sentance they could get him to utter was also the least intelligent thing said in the booth all day. You'd think that Vedder, being a close friend of Kerry Wood, would be able to offer a new angle on Wood's rehab. Well, if you consider this a new angle:

"Yeah I think he just worked through it, the whole time trying to get back."

And cue awkward pause #59.

After Orlando Hernandez got the hook and they were about to go to commercial, Kasper announced "We'll be back," clearly not sure whether he should add "with Eddie Vedder." To my surprise (and most likely to Kasper's dismay) Vedder was still there after the pitching change.

One final attempt to get something, anything, out of Vedder, Kasper addressed him directly, "What a day here Eddie, the weather, the drama...this is it."

(dead silence)

I don't think Len Kasper has ever been so relieved to see the Cubs get their third out.

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The game show that's sweeping the nation!

It's time to play...

Foreign NBA Import
or
Random-ass Car that Vinnie Saw on the Expressway This Morning?

["Dating Game" music]

Alright... Let's start round one!

For 1,000,000 points:

Merkur Scorpio... Is that a foreign NBA import or a random-ass car model that Vinnie saw on the expressway this morning? ...I'll give you a minute to think it over... Players at home--remember you can text your answers to 59494#857#48*32.

You're ready with a response? Let's see it!

[dramatic orchestra sound]

...Oh, no! You lose! The correct answer was: random-ass car Vinnie saw on the expressway. So sorry... But come play again sometime!

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Godspeed, Old Friend

>> Thursday

In what's got to be the saddest story you'll hear about today, I have an announcement to make.

Brace yourself.

My '91 Buick Regal is dead. Kaput. Game over. Donezo.

I am crushed.

Man, that car had character, know what I mean? Seriously, that Jaeger sticker someone put on the rear window at a Brewers game? Awesome. The Feingold '04 bumper sticker? Pure class.

In addition to character, the car had:
-broken, or "floating" steering wheel
-non-functional turn signals
-non-functional odometer
-slightly cracked rear left strut
-non-functional gas gauge
-broken trunk lock
-broken hood release handle
-non-existent side view mirrors
-the way it sounded like a diesel engine while idoling
-would simetimes shut off if you shifted from reverse to drive "too fast"
-that creaking noise, you know the one

Despite withstanding all this, the ol' gal couldn't withstand a cracked head gasket. Like so many of us, she's gone before her time.

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Exclusive interview with Daunte Culpepper


We're here with the newest Oakland Raider, Daunte Culpepper. Daunte, how are you liking the Raiders so far?

DC: Man, it's great to get out of Miami. Down there, Dwyane Wade is everything and when the football season rolls around, they cheer for Joey Harrington. Joey fucking Harrington! And then they go and get some guy who spent half of last season thinking he was a member of the Miami Sharks? Naw, fuck that, it's good to be in Oakland.

Well you certainly seem to have some fire left in you. Do you think you'll be able to keep the starting job all year with JaMarcus Russell waiting in the wing?

DC: Who?

JaMarcus Russell...the #1 draft pick

DC: I don't even know who you're talking about. I haven't met no JaMarcus in camp.

Well yeah, he's not in camp because of his holdout. I mean, isn't that kind of the reason you're here? The whole rent-a-QB thing?

DC: Rent?! Man, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard anyone say. They signed me because I'm a hall-of-fame bound quarterback. Man, I have one bad year in Minnesota and then the assholes in Miami bench me...I put up a 110 QB rating in '04, remember that? Yeah, 39 touchdowns. Bitch.

So you think you can return to your old form?

DC: Damn right I can return to my old form. Just ask Randy.

Do you still stay in touch with him?

DC: Actually, that's the weird thing. I came to Oakland and he didn't even stop by to welcome me, so I was kind of pissed. Then I hear on ESPN this morning that he's hurt, and that's why he's not in camp. You know, it would be nice for the Raiders to tell me these kinds of things.

Wait, Daunte

DC: I'm just saying, they could work on their communication.

Daunte, you know Randy Moss was traded to New England don't you?

(long pause)

DC: What the hell are you talking about?

Yeah, he was traded on draft day to the Patriots.

DC: Oh Jesus no...

Are you okay? You don't look so hot.

DC: Who does Oakland have? Who are their receivers?

Um, Jerry Porter, Ronald Curry...Travis Taylor.

DC: Oh man. I've made a terrible mistake.

(Culpepper quickly leaves the room while writing a text message)

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Feuding in the Fairways

>> Wednesday

It started with a steroid controversy. Now, we have an unnamed golfer taking shots at fellow pros, the host course of the PGA, and PGA tour commissioner Tim Finchem. What has happened to the dignified world of golf? Personally, while I understand and can appreciate the esteemed sense that golf tries to portray, this golf fan enjoys this newfound excitement swirling on the golf course. While we're at it, let's set up up the steel cage and let the unnamed golfer (Rich Beem and Duffy Waldorf have been hypothesized by speculators of this story) take on Sergio Garcia. While he may seem like a cowering shittalker, I think Sergio would pull out all the stops and have some outside interference from Spanish companions Jose Maria Olazabal and Miguel Angel Jimenez to help him take down the masked penman.

Edit: Fixed to include the actual golf story. Apologies to everyone for being asleep at the wheel here.

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