Showing posts with label what's the deal with airplane peanuts?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label what's the deal with airplane peanuts?. Show all posts

"A lot of teams could win it" and other bullshit generalisms

>> Wednesday


People love to recommend their doctor to you. I don't know what they get out of it, but they really push them on you.
"Is he good?"
"He's the best. This guy's the best." There can't be this many "bests." Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes. Where are these doctors? Is someone somewhere saying to their friend, "You should see my doctor, he's the worst. He's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him. The man's an absolute butcher."


For some reason, the NCAA Tournament and the bracketocentric vibe it engenders seem to put me squarely in "Have you ever noticed"-ville every March. This year, I'm afraid, is no exception.

My object of mockery this time around is the bland generalization about
"this year's tournament." You hear these all the time--from the coworkers in the office pool, friends, TV analysts, etcetera--and they're almost always preceded or followed by "especially this year." Taken collectively, they comprise a contradictory, exaggerated, and generally inaccurate lump of nonsense.

Some classic examples, which I will deconstruct using equally unsubstantiated and generalized observations:

There's no clear favorite this year. Rarely is there ever a clear favorite. And when there's a team perceived to be a clear favorite, I'd venture to say that the margin by which they exceed the abilities of other top competitors is exaggerated by meaningless circumstances like name recognition.

There are a lot of good teams in this tournament. The whole point of the tournament is to include good teams and exclude sucky ones. So there had damned well better be a lot of good teams.

There area a lot of exciting players in this tournament. Ditto.

This is a difficult tournament / region to pick. Every region of every tournament is difficult to pick. This is why ESPN and CBS offer like $10,000,000 to any one of its 100,000,000 participants in their Tournament Bracket Challenge Bonanza or whatever that can call every game right. And that is why--for all of the selection committee's diligence in seeding teams, we have now only once had four #1's in the Final Four.

The committee did a good job / poor job seeding the tournament this year. I'm as guilty as anyone on the seeding critique. For most fans, I think, their opinion ultimately boils down to how satisfied or dissatisfied they are with their favorite team's seed--which, coincidentally enough, is nearly always one seed lower than "it should've been." Most years, I think the committee totally chokes on it--that is, Marquette always gets shafted. This year, I was relatively satisfied receiving a 6 after the Warriors' late-season struggles and lack of depth, ergo the committee did okay this year.

This should be an exciting tournament. It's the En-Cee-Double-Freakin-Ay Tournament. It is always exciting. That's why I've been rocking in my desk chair and continuously salivating all week. Just one... more... day...

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Count the ways to say "defeat"

>> Monday

Angels bury Dice-K, BoSox with 6-run 6th
Lee, Cubs nip Sabathia, Brewers
Burnett told he'll stay with Jays, rips Rays
Twins gain ground as Slowey routs ChiSox (Can a pitcher "rout" a team by himself?)
O's drill Yanks
alternately: Orioles Crush Yankees, 13-4
Take three: Jones cracks grand slam as Orioles slam Yankees

Not used:
clobber
kill
whomp
wallop
pound
pummel
pulverize
vaporize
euthanize
deputize
anihilate
masticate
emaciate
ingratiate
fustigate
bustigate
Watergate
Passportgate
Spy-gate
It's getting late
I fustigated this to death
It was stupid to begin with

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Doctor Dictionary

>> Sunday

(Everyone else here subscribes to the dictionary.com Word of the Day, right? No? Shut up... you're a nerd.)

This one's been bugging me for a while--"physicality." It was especially prevalent during the NCAA Tournament, but I've heard it used a number of times since on NBA broadcasts, Baseball Tonight, etc. The latest offender: Bob Ley, one of ESPN's few legitimate journalists, used "physicality" during NBA highlights on Sportscenter (where he's unnecessarily put out of his element) a few minutes ago.

Commentators have used this word to conote ~ "a physical nature" or "physical style of play." What does Mr. Webster have to say about this?

phys·i·cal·i·ty
–noun, plural -ties.
1. the physical attributes of a person, esp. when overdeveloped or overemphasized.
2. preoccupation with one's body, physical needs, or appetites.

Sorry, fellas. Unless you mean to say that Tyson Chandler is staring at his reflection in the backboard while pulling down rebounds or craving someone's pralines in the stands as he runs up the floor, you're not even close.

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The joys of hockey ignorance

As I sorta kinda started getting back into the NHL earlier this year after not caring for a solid five years, I figued, "Man, I bet I won't recognize anyone playing in the NHL anymore."

Much to my surprise, it was like the league was frozen in time (oh shit... unintentional pun... better run with it) under the word "Hockeytown" at center ice of Joe Louis arena, smoothed over by a zamboni and occasionally pelted by an octopus during those five years.

It seems as though once per period, I find myself saying, "He's still in the NHL?!"

After watching some first-round playoff action the last few nights, I've compiled a short list of playoff competitors who've sparked that reaction:

Alexei Kovalev
Dallas Drake
Curtis Joseph
Mathieu Schneider
Nick Lidstrom
Darren McCarty
Brendan Shanahan
Keith Carney

Which is to say nothing of the old guys I was already aware of (e.g. Chelios, Hasek, Federov, Modano, Jagr, Selanne). Don't get me wrong--I'm not making fun or saying these guys are washed up (after all, I really wouldn't know). In fact, I've always admired the way hockey players are able to play such a physical sport at a high level into their late 30s and 40s.

Mostly, I find it comforting to see so many familiar faces and names in these playoffs because it reminds me that I haven't let the world (or at least the part of it I can watch on cable sports channels) fly on past me as badly as I thought.

Hey, speaking of hockey, here's a thought I had: Can you imagine if a Sabermetric-like philosophy toward hockey analysis started to take hold of the mainstream the way it has in baseball? Can you imagine the resistance?

Compared to baseball, hockey has, I think, way more of the intangible-loving, "this guy plays the game right" old-school dogma entrenched both in its tradition and its current analysis. For God's sake, the silly "three stars" thing is still considered a noteworthy component of a hockey postgame.

Not only that, but I think hockey is even more dominated by semi-arbitrary and luck-driven stats like +/- and, for that matter, the assist. Can you imagine if some new metric showed that Marty Brodeur is actually a league-average goaltender? Or that Ray Borque was only stealing ice time from a more deserving replacement when he won the Stanley Cup in 2001? There would be a revolt. It would be madness.

Anyway, I'm gonna stop before I prove myself a bigger ignoramous than I already have.

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