Happy Uno Day!

Did you all get my eCard?

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He's one of the good guys in the game

It's like the Make-a-Whish Foundation... but with very old people... and dogs. And while I'll refrain from using this story as an excuse to revive the voice of Uno (I don't think Paul has ever been more disappointed in me in the nearly 24 years I've been his brother than when I made that post), there's something inherently funny about weird, pet-obsessed people that deserves sharing with those of you outside the St. Louis and Chicago media markets.

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A message from Uno

Oh!!! Best in Show, bitches!

You think my name is too brash? Well, go eat your own shit, other dogs and bitches, as you are wont to do anyway. It wasn't my choice to have that name, dogs and bitches. It was my fag owner, ok? So fuck you all. Eat my shit, ok?

You think I give a bastard about your dog show awards? Think again. Yeah, I did my little strut and pose for that fag judge. You think that's me? That's not me, you gullible homos. I like licking a good nutsack as much as you do, but you can't contain it enough to fool some old man with a PhD, and that's why I'm better than you. You can all lick my nutsack. Lick my nutsack? That sounds mighty fine right now, actually.

That's right--I can lick my own nutsack! You jealous? Of course you are, chumps. Especially you, bitches. I saw you all eyeing me. I'd look your way; you'd turn your head just in time so that your bag trainer wouldn't see you and whip your bitch-ass. Like I'd touch a toy poodle with my ten-foot pole. (I'd probably kill you before I even got off, but that's neither here nor there.) But I saw ya. You want my dick, don't you, bitches? Your trainer wanted that shit, too. Old bag hasn't had a good screw in fifteen years, and that's why she put all her hopes and dreams into your bitch-ass, and now she's lusting my huge doggie-wang.

Well, suck on this: I'm off to Hollywood where Hollywood bitches will lick my nutsack all day while they feed me filet. You remember "Eddie" from Fraiser? Ameteur... total pawn. And your fag owners and that fag judge are just as jealous because they all wanna lick their own nutsack too, but they CAN'T! Not without years and years of Yoga, bitches! Yeah, I'm off to Hollywood, where I'll lick my nutsack all day.

You think you can stop me, Caroline and Ed and Jon and Kathy? I'd like to see your homo legs keep up with me for twenty yards. Good luck. I sold you, and now I'm selling out. I've got youth and dog-ness on my side, and you can't touch this shit. You think I'm trained? HA! HA! HA!... And.... HA! You can't train perfection. You can't train a god. You can't train that. Sainara, Asian bitches. I'm off to the bigtime.

Shit... You inferior dogs and bitches are wearing me out by boring me with your inferior competition. This gloating is too fucking (I'd say "doggone," but I'm not some hack-bitch longhaired dachshund who finished a distant second to me) EASY. So sit on it, Chachi.

And I'm out!

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