"How about 'Loser' by Beck or 'I'm a Loser' by the Beatles or 'Even the Losers' by Tom Petty or--" "Hey man, get off the stage! You suck!"

Last March, I highlighted one Chicago radio, NCAA Tournament-themed polling gimmick. And now this year, I direct your attention to this--a 16-song "bracket" established by several Chicago radio stations to determine what will be played when the Cubs take the field opening day.

Let's--for a second--put aside the fact that these are possibly the most cliched choices that these radio stations could have chosen (with apologies, perhaps, to "Welcome to the Jungle"). But I'm more than a tad perplexed by Ron and Pat's offering. "Margaritaville"??? As a make-some-noise, on-your-feet, raise-the-roof, it's-game-time-woo! song? I can only imagine the conversation that led to this nomination.

Pat: Well, Ronny. What song should we enter into the "March to Opening Day" contest?
Ron: Aww, gee, Pat... Gosh... I don't know...
Pat: Boy, Ronny, there are so many good songs and artists to choose from.
Ron: You know it, Pat.
Pat: Perhaps "Start Me Up" by the Rolling Stones.... Or a Buddy Holly tune... maybe the Electric Light Orchestra... Of course, "Blitzkrieg Bop" is always a ballpark favorite.
Ron: Gee... I'm not sure I remember that one...
Pat: Well, it's a bit more recent, Ron. It's by a band called the Ramones.
Ron: The Ramones, you said?
Pat: That's right... Like the man's name "Ramon" but with an E-S at the end.
Ron: Huh... I don't recall them.
Pat: They wore leather jackets and tight blue jeans... white t-shirts typically... sunshades... long-ish hair--"shaggy," as it is often referred to nowadays...
Ron: What about the one... umm.... what is it, Pat... uh... Sinatra...
Pat: "Summer Wind"?
Ron: You got it! Boy... Nothing gets past you, Pat.
Pat: Well, Ronny... One of our listeners emailed me and suggested "Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffett.
Ron: [intrigued] Ohhhh.... Well, I'll be... I didn't think of that one.
Pat: Of course, Jimmy was the first artist to perform live at Wrigley Field few summers ago.
Ron: Yep.
Pat: That's always a fun song.
Ron: You've got that right, Pat!
Pat: Well, how about it, Ronny? Should we go with the listener's suggestion?
Ron: [spills his glass of grape Crush] Oh, GEEZ!

And Len and Bob--the two broadcasters who performed at the House of Blues and talk more about music than about baseball on their telecasts--went with a Semisonic song. I do give them a thumbs up for being less predictable, but--beeeee-ewwwwuuuurrrrrr [rotating my wrist to thumbs-down position]--on song choice.

Most of these radio stations are shit, and I expected nothing better. But I must say, I'm very disappointed in WXRT, which--if you don't live in Chicago--is easily the best FM radio station in the city (at least under the umbrella "music of the common man"), if not the entire country. "Beautiful Day"? Come on Lin Bramer and co.--You coulda done way better than that.

I guess if I had to make a choice between a giant douche and a turd sandwich (and fourteen other options) in this bracket, I'd endorse "Stronger" even though it's in that awkward no-so-new, not-so-old limbo stage where it needs to be shelved for a few years to let it replenish its appeal. But at least it sorta has that stadium energy-generating quality that pretty much every other song in the bracket lacks.

You know what--forget that. Vote for "Margaritaville," if for nothing else than to see the look of disgust on Carlos Zambrano's face when that comes piping through the PA as he trots to the mound.

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Hilarious, hilarious exchange

I feel like I should make my first new-format post something substantial. But I should tell you this post will not be substantial.

For those of you who don't know, I recently packed up my massive collection of Star Trek paraphernalia and moved out of my mom's basement into a big boy apartment (but have yet to quit playing D&D and watching the Sci-Fi Channel).

As a result of this leap into adulthood and my cheapskate ways, I am indefinitely without cable and internet. What this means to you readers is that A) my posting on piddling crap has/will not be as frequent (though this post will qualify) and B) I'll be receiving most of my sports 1940s-style--from the newspaper on the morning train ride and through the wonder of radio.

For those of you who don't live in or around Chicago, each Cubs radio broadcast is an event unto its own. The combination of play-by-play man Pat Hughes--one of the most professional, fluent, and insightful guys in the business--and color man Ron Santo--one of the least professional, fluent, and insightful guys in the business and a man whose signature calls are "Yeah...," "Oh, MAAAANN!," and "Geez!!"--creates a magic one can scarcely describe.

Without having heard the duo yourself, it's nearly impossible for me to relay this magic without a good bit of it lost in translation. However, I couldn't help but transcribe this exchange from last night's broadcast, which epitomizes the Hughes-Santo dynamic:

Top six, nobody out, Theriot on first, Lee at the plate, 2-0 count

Hughes: The 2-0 to Lee... Theriot's running... Lee takes... the throw down to second, and he is... out!

Santo [immediately, assuredly]: He was NOT out!!

[few seconds of silence]

Hughes [matter-of-factly]: Theriot went in with a feet-first slide.

Santo [clearly watching the monitor and talking to Hughes alone, forgetting that he's on radio as he's wont to do]: Let me watch that again... See, look... Right there! You can tell that he's in there!

Hughes [composed, as always]: The second base umpire tonight is Scott Barry... No argument on the play from Ryan Theriot...

Santo [defiant]: Yeah... but... Ryan knows he was in there.

Hughes [in stride, used to this sort of thing]: So there's now one down and the bases empty...


Then in the late innings, there was this exchange:

Hughes: There is virtually no wind here in St. Louis tonight.

Santo: Well I'm hoping for no wind, period.

Hughes [baffled]: Are you... ...?

Santo [proud, as if he's said something very clever]: Did you get that? No wind, as in, no win--

Both, in broken unison: W-I-N

Hughes: Sort of a pun there... I see...

Santo: Yeah

[several moments of silence]

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"Ohhh...Geez!"

So the pompous old men on the Veterans Committee--the same pompous old men who believe Bill Mazeroski is a Hall of Famer--passed on the everyone's favorite Square-D Electronics spokesman Ron Santo yet again. And as a Cubs fan whose uncle was once driven home from Wrigley by Santo when he was thirteen (true story folks), I'd feel I was neglecting my duty if I didn't complain.

I guess what amazes me about Santo's repeated snubs is that it so plainly contradicts most criteria used by Hall of Fame voters--even the bad ones. Lots of All-Star appearances--he has those. Best at his position during his prime--he was that. Excelled on both offense and defense--he did that. Reputation as a "gritty" player--he had that too. The one bad criterion he doesn't pass--postseason performance. Of course, if a voter counts team accomplishment against a player for Hall of Fame candidacy--and many voters do--he should have his privileges stripped. But life ain't fair.

As far as statistics, Santo's are pleasing to all tastes. Tons of walks (in an era when walking was rarely encouraged) and RBIs--those are numbers both Earl Weaver and Dusty "It's called hitting, not walking" Baker can appreciate. They may not be Willie Mays, but they are Joe Morgan.

It really does make you wonder--how much is the voting process skewed by personal grudges, or at least personal distaste. A lot of Santo's contemporaries thought he was a brash jerk; Mazeroski was everyone's darling because he was a gamer and a glueguy...and clutch!

But for all of Santo's qualifications, one factor should never enter the argument. And that's his diabetes. I realize that many writers bring it up merely to augment his case with dramatic flair or emotional appeal. But strictly regarding his qualifications, overcoming diabetes to excell at baseball--while incredible--should be viewed no differently than, say, injury struggles, below-average eyesight, or anything else that hinders one's ability to play baseball. When a writer tries to use Santo's diabetes as a criterion for his induction or as a means to rescale his numbers, it devalues Santo's accomplishments, undermines the argument, and--worst of all--patronizes Santo.

If Santo's as humble a guy as everyone says, he probably doesn't get too annoyed by the frequent allusions to his condition (after all, it does bring attention to his charity). At the same time, I'm sure he doesn't want to be a charity case himself. Like everyone else, he just wants to be rightly acknowledged for being really good at playing baseball. Fortunately, that mysterious upward trend by which retired guys get better with time is on his side right now. Let's hope it continues for one more round of voting.

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