Charlie Weis: Keep Him or Can his Ass?

For the most part, everyone on this blog loves to hate on Notre Dame. Maybe it is their insecure notions that Domers are somehow better than us Marquette(ers) or that Jesus allegedly wears an old school Lou Holtz sweater and cap during every game. But I am here asking my fellow bloggers whether Chuck Weis deserves to keep his job as head football coach. I will forward our decision to whomever it may concern at Notre Dame.

The Case Against Charlie "Chuck" Weis:
- Charlie Weis is 28-21 (.571) record in four years as head coach while his predecessors Bob Davie (35-25) and Ty Willingham (21-15) had higher winning percentages during their tenure.
- You lost to Navy, Syracuse, and a bunch of other shitty teams.
- You lost by a combined score of 76-3 to USC the past two years.
- You have only beaten one top 25 team in four years (Penn State 2005)
- Your best seasons were with another coaches players.
- You look absolutely awful.

The Case For Charlie Weis:
- Two straight top recruiting classes with another coming.
- The last two seasons were played with a ton of young players.
- Despite a 6-6 record this year, the team showed marked improvement despite what the critics have mentioned.
- What available coach would be a better option (Other than Lou Holtz)
- You have Joe Montana Jr on your bench.

I would opt to keep Charlie Weis for one more season. If he is unable to win at least 9 games with their ridiculously easy schedule then he deserves to be canned. But what do you think?

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2008 YCS Hall of Fame Nominee: Michael Phelps

Congratulations Mr. Michael Phelps! You have not only earned a chance to become a distinguished member of the YCS Hall of Fame, but you have won the respect and admiration of every gentleman that writes for this blog.

According to sources, Michael Phelps surprised his mom this Thanksgiving by bringing home a tattooed, Vegas strip-club waitress who apparently has barred more assets than her significant other. Caroline Pal, 26, apparently is a cover girl for XXX website "Beverly Hills Pimps and Hos."

We aren't sure how things panned out over the weekend, but one thing's for sure: she can cover as many laps as he!

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Coming to theaters everywhere March 2012...

V/O: From the people who brought you The Gameplan...

[shot of a young Indian man throwing javelin]

V/O: ...comes the story of two teenagers out to make a fortune...

Dinesh [reading a newspaper ad]: "...one million dollars..."

V/O: ...brought together by a contest...

TV Announcer: We welcome you to the final round of Million Dollar Arm...

[alternating shots of Dinesh and Rinku throwing baseballs and a radar gun lighting up]

V/O: ...that would take them on an improbable journey all the way to the major leagues.

MLB Scout: Boys... How would you like to come to America and pitch for the Pittsburgh Pirates?

[Rinku and Dinesh turn to each other stunned]

***

Dinesh's mother: Oh, son. We'll miss you so much!

Dinesh's father: You'll make us proud, son!

Dinesh [climbing into a cab]: I won't let you down!

***

Dinesh: What is this?

American baseball farmhand: Wait... You don't know what a baseball glove is?

[cut to Dinesh trying to catch a soft toss and getting hit in the stomach and doubling over]

Dinesh [catching breath]: I'm okay!

***

Minor league manager: Where the heck did we get these guys?

[cut to Rinku flailing awkwardly in a batting practice cage and Dinesh bouncing a very wild pitch]

Assistant coach played by George Wendt: This isn't cricket, son!

***

Announcer played by Eugene Levy: That's another walk for Patel, and it looks like he's headed for an early shower [covering mic] ...back in India I hope.

***

[shot of Rinku spinning around to watch a homerun fly out of the park]

Announcer: Another gopher ball, and the Hillcats trail 6-2.

***

V/O: But hard times would test their will and form a bond that would last a lifetime.

[sad music]

Rinku: Dinesh--We can't give up now after we've gone this far. What about your mother and father?

Dinesh: You're right. We're both going to make it... Together.

[Dinesh and Rinku fist-pound and clasp hands]

***

Hey now
You're an all-star
Get you're game on
Go, play...

Announcer: Another strikeout for Singh! And that's ten on the afternoon!... [] ... Swing and a miss, strike three! Patel put some curry on that one!

All that glimmers is gold...

[collage of Dinesh pumping his fist, Rinku clicking his heels on a sprint off the mound, the bumping chests in the dugout, clubbing with teammates and beutiful women, carousing on the team bus]

Karl Ravech: Welcome back to Baseball Tonight. We have late breaking news that the Pirates have called up top pitching prospects Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel...

***

PA announcer: Now entering... for the Pirates... number 68... Dinesh... Patel... [shot of packed PNC Park crowd screaming and waving Indian flags]

***

V/O: They started out as two teenagers from tiny Indian villages and ended up an international sensation.

[shot of a crowd of Indian people around a tiny rabbit-ears TV watching a Pirates game]

Old Indian woman stereotype wearing a Pirates hat: Go Pitts-burgh Pi-rates!

[collage of Dinesh and Rinku on a billboard, disembarking a plane to a crowd of screaming Indian people waving Indian flags and Pirates banners, posing with Bud Selig, cutting tape for the Singh-Patel Indian Baseball Academy, appearing on Jimmy Kimmel Live, getting mobbed by autograph seekers]

V/O: From Walt Disney Pictures... It's the true story of Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel, the first Indian-born players in American professional sports... Kal Penn stars in... Indian Summer.

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Zuch, your dream job as arrived!

Get that resume out!

As for the student newspaper requirement, I think that the quality of YCS is at least the equal of any student-rag in the country.

HT: Friend of YCS Scotty

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Lock of the Week

Back in the good old days when Deion Sanders was hawking hot dog cookers on infomercials, the 49ers vs. Cowboys was the hottest game on the NFL schedule every year. This year, not quite.

So to to add a little intrigue to this matchup, I'm putting my incredible Lock of the Week winless streak on this game--more specifically, the Niners, who are 9.5-point underdogs. Not only will they keep this one close, but they'll send the Cowboys back into turmoil and Tony Romo back to the hospital.

49ers (+9.5) over the Cowboys. Book it!

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Mercifully Short MLS Cup Final Preview

I'm leaning heavily on video this post. Largley because a picture tells a thousand words, so at 24 frames per second, video tells 24,000 words per second, much faster than I could ever hope to type here 10 days before finals. So since I'm way behind on my outlines I'll make this quick. Yes, I screwed up in my regular season and Cup Playoffs picks, continuing this blog's fine record of gambling accuracy. My predicted Houston-Chicago final did not pan out and instead we are left with a boxing-match-style game between New York and Columbus; or as Don King or some other promoter would likely put it "Lucky vs. Good."

Both teams are going for their first MLS Cup title ever. For New York, they're going for their first-ever trophy in any competition.

Columbus was the best team in the league all season. They had the best record, best goal differential, and second-best goals-against average. They boast the MVP (Guillermo Barros Schelotto), Coach of the Year (Sigi Schmid), Defender of the Year (Chad Marshall), and Goalkeeper of the Year runner-up (Will Hesmer).

New York snuck into the playoffs on the last day of the season because DC United hit the post 4 times against Columbus; enabling RBNY to qualify. New York managed a tie against Houston at home, then for 90 minutes in Houston played the game of their lives while the defending champs laid an egg. In the semifinals, New York won 1-0 because RSL hit the post 3 times.

So Columbus is by far the better team, but would you rather be lucky or good? Here's a look back on some past great MLS Cup Final moments.

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Actual items

Actual items I came across this ad for Yahoo! Search on Weather Underground, and, I don't know, I just found the sample search in the box to be sort of... random.
Not "barack obama" or "holiday recipes" or "homemade artillery"? But "braylon edwards"?

Goofy.

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Mooooose

As you may have heard or seen, it looks like Mike Mussina is calling it a career after 18 years in the bigs. Mussina was a solid pitcher for his entire tenure with New York and Baltimore, but is probably the definition of a borderline Hall of Famer. He made 5 All-Star teams, never won a Cy Young and didn't pitch on any World Champion teams. Still, the numbers compare solidly to some of the guys already in the hall, so it's anybody's guess as to whether he'll make it.

The best analysis of his retirement and HOF candidacy that I've seen comes from Craig Calcaterra of Shysterball, who perfectly captured the idiotic guidelines many BBWAA voters use to determine hall of fame credentials:

As I wrote at the end of the season, it's probably a good political move for him to hang it up, because whereas never having won 20 could have been an irrational liability for his Hall of Fame chances, winning 20 in his last season may be an irrational asset. Now, instead of knocking him for not having attained a rather arbitrary milestone, the writers will credit Mussina for having achieved an arbitrary milestone, all because Xavier Nady hit a three run homer off of Matsuzaka in the fourth inning of a meaningless game on the last day of the season.

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Is it just me? Or Does Coach Buzz kinda look...

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The Post Where I Call Donovan McNabb an Idiot

Oh, Donovan. I think you're a pretty good quarterback and all, but gat damn son, keep your mouth shut when discussing the intricacies of the NFL rulebook.

"I didn't know that," said McNabb, who played a leading role in keeping it tied. "I've never been part of a tie. I never even knew it was in the rule book. I was looking forward to getting the opportunity to get out there and try to drive to win the game. But unfortunately with the rules, we settled with a tie."

You seriously didn't know that NFL regular season games can end in a tie? What the fuck, man? Weren't you in the league in 2002, the last time there was a tie? Pay attention!

Then, your dumb ass goes on to talk about how you'd hate to see what happens when there's a tie in the playoffs or the Super Bowl. News flash, Donny: NFL playoff games don't end in a tie. The percentage of people who don't know that is probably smaller than the percentage of fucktards that don't know that regular season games can end in a tie. Jesus Christ. You have a helmet for a reason, wear it.

Also - I know a big part of this whole thing is that it's ridiculous that there are still ties in the NFL, and to an extent, I agree. But, I do like the tie in situations like this because it places a big "RETARD" stamp on the collective foreheads of each team for failing to put a point on the board during OT. I mean, come on. Even the Lions could have scratched out a field goal or something, maybe.

Now, because this debate will be raging throughout the nation for the next...day or so, I need to get my hat into the ring. I know a lot of people don't like the NFL OT because it gives the appearance of settling things on a coin flip. Sure, I'll go with that. I, on the other hand, don't think the college system is perfect either, because this "let's start at the 25" bullshit isn't real football. I want a battle for field position, dammit. Also, it seems a little bit too much like the NHL in which tie games are settled with a skills competition that doesn't really tell you who the best team is. Granted, NHL shootouts and college overtimes are fun and pretty entertaining, but in the end I'm always left feeling a bit unsatisfied with the result.

My solution: simplicity, motherfuckers. Borrow a page from the NBA and just play another, shorter period with the same rules. Why aren't we doing this already? Just play one 5 minute (or 10 minute or 7 minute or whatever) period. Coinflip to determine possession, each team gets two timeouts, no coaches challenges, play to the whistle. If the game's still tied at the end of the first OT, then we go to sudden death. This way, both teams are guaranteed at least one offensive possession and probably more. And there are no ties. And special teams and field position actually matter. Put it in the rulebooks, bitches.

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Lock of the Week

Last week I tried to end (read: prolong) my improbable losing streak by putting my faith in the winless Detroit Lions beating the Jaguars. That one didn't work out so good.

So this week, I'm doing the opposite. I'm banking on the one remaining undefeated team, the Tennessee Titans, to falter in Jacksonville. The Jags are getting three points in a game that I think they'll win outright.

If you see any conceivable reason to take my gambling advice at this point, put your paycheck on the Jaguars (+3) over the Titans.

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Set my fantasy football line-up this week

Who the hell do I start? Marshall and Fitzgerald are locks, but who else to start? Hey, help me out. I'm your punching bag in the YCS-dominated "House of Warriors" league.

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The NHL Will Chew Your Ass Up And Spit You The Fuck Out

Is it just me, or does the NHL provide the absolute worst job security of any league in the world? Take our latest example, Tampa Bay Lightning Coach and mullet enthusiast Barry Melrose, fired today after just 16 games on the bench.

I always liked Melrose on ESPN. He seemed to be a good Dickie V-like ambassador for the game, displaying an enthusiasm and understanding for the game that made him extremely accessible and enjoyable in the vein of guys like Cris Collinsworth and Ron Jaworski.

Now, admittedly I don't know my ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to hockey, but it seems to me that coaches are fired at an 80's-Steinbrenner pace in that league. I mean, failure to meet expectations is one thing, but even Al Davis thinks it's a bit premature to get rid of your coach so early in his tenure.

So what's the deal? Is the atmosphere in an NHL dressing room like fucking Boiler Room? Just win or get the fuck out! Win! Win now! (Ok, I'll admit that this comparison comes because I saw Boiler Room for the first time yesterday. It was alright, although a little bit overrated and seemed as if it was intended to appeal to the Entourage crowd. If you want a better movie with a similar premise, watch Glengarry Glen Ross. It's funnier, the acting's better [like, immensely better], and the storytelling and character arcs are more clearly defined and well-developed. With less than half the screen time, Alec Baldwin does in Glengarry Glen Ross what Ben Affleck tries desperately to emulate in Boiler Room with far more effect and resonance. The bright spot in Boiler Room is Giovanni Ribisi, a solid actor who's role selection [Gone in 60 Seconds, Basic, The Gift, The Mod Squad] leaves a lot to be desired. In a limited leading role or as part of a talented ensemble, though [think Saving Private Ryan where he plays the platoon's medic], the kid can still bring the goods.)

So...uh...yeah. Why do NHL coaches get fired so frequently?

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The End Of An Era

All kidding aside, I was deeply saddened to learn today that the boys from Fire Joe Morgan are hanging it up. Anyone who knows Vinnie and I are fully aware that this lame site started only because of our admiration for KT, Dak and Junior and we owe them everything we have (nothing). Though it's going to make baseball season a lot less fun, all of us at Yellow Chair Sports wish the guys at FJM the best of luck with their future projects. Man, this sucks.

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The only coaching staff that would appease the Notre Dame faithful

Head Coach
Knute Rockne's re-animated corpse

Offensive Coordinator
Mike Leach

Defensive Coordinator
Monte Kiffin

Quarterback Coach
Joe Montana

Special Teams Coach
Genie in a lamp

Head Trainer
Dr. James Andrews

Team Doctor
House

Speical Consultant
Stephen Hawking

Team Chaplain
Jesus T. Christ

Recruiting Director
Paul Hornung

Dean of Student Athletes
Helen Keller

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Mike's End-Of-Season MLS Awards

We've been at a dearth of material recently, and history of this 2 1/2 year old blog has shown that nothing gets the creative juices firing like a soccer post. After a soccer post, seemingly every other staff member pens something to knock the beautiful game off the top of the patch, so let's get at it.

With the Cup Semifinals this weekend, now's the best time for my end-of-season MLS awards. I'll award some of the awards MLS does, along with some of my own superlatives.

MVP: Juan Pablo Angel, Red Bull New York

While his statline (14 G, 3A) may not be impressive as Golden Boot Winner Landon Donovan's (20 G, 9 A), this belies the way in which Angel has singlehandedly taken New York on his back and led them to the final four. One in every three goals scored by New York this regular season (and playoffs) has been scored by Angel. Without him, the Red Bulls are nothing. With him, they are one win from their first-ever MLS Cup Final.

Most Outstanding Player: Landon Donovan, LA Galaxy

You can't say much about Donovan's play this year because it speaks for itself. What makes Donovan's Golden Boot title all the more impressive is that Donovan played 5 fewer games than his closest competitor (FC Dallas' Kenny Cooper) and STILL managed to beat him by two goals to win the scoring title. Donovan did this all while playing on arguably the worst team in the league. Donovan is presently training (or perhaps on a 10-day trial?) with German superclub Bayern Munich. If he jumps ship I would not be surprised.

Newcomer of the Year: Darren Huckerby, San Jose Earthquakes

Coming over from English side Norwich City in midseason, Huckerby rejuvinated the playoff aspirations of the Earthquakes. Without Huckerby it would have been a sad, lonely second half of the season in Northern California.

Goalkeeper of the Year: Joe Cannon, San Jose Earthquakes

Cannon's return to his former club gave them at least a fighting chance. While this award ended up going to Jon Busch of the Chicago Fire, I have to give it to Cannon. As a former keeper myself, I know that most keepers are only as good as the 10 men in front of them. Without taking anything away from the great season Busch has had, he has a top flight backline of Conde, Soumare, Segares, and Prideaux in front of him, along with a tenacious midfield. Cannon had NOTHING in front of him. One of the worst teams in the league, San Jose surrendered more shots than any other team. Yet Cannon only allowed 4 more goals on the season than Busch. Cannon posted a respectable 1.27 GAA, and finished fourth in the league in shutouts with 9. It should be noted that the three keepers who finished above Cannon in shutouts this season were all on playoff teams (Kevin Hartmann, Kansas City; Will Hesmer, Columbus; Jon Busch, Chicago).

Supporters Section of the Year: Section 8 Chicago, Chicago Fire

Sure, level all the homer accusations that you want, but the bottom line is this season Section 8 doubled in size, sent sizeable away contingents (20 or more fans) to Columbus (twice), San Jose, Kansas City (twice), New York, Toronto, New England, Colorado, and Salt Lake. That's more than even the vaunted Red Patch Boys of Toronto FC, who sure, brought 2,000 to Columbus and another couple hundred to Chicago, but were otherwise nearly invisible this season aside from some small trips to New England and New York. The Fire's playoff game against New England featured nearly 1800 screaming Fire fanatics in Section 8 yelling for 90 minutes. Flares, smoke, and new, more complex tifo displays brought a continental European atmosphere to Toyota Park, and reminded the suits at MLS what a big game is supposed to, and can look like given the proper environment. On that front, few organizations have had to face what Section 8 has had in the past year. Deaths of members, dicking over from the Fire front office at every turn, racist abuse and instigation by stadium security, etc. The group holds a banner at each game reading "Per Infinitas Incendida" which roughly translates as "Forever through the flames," and Section 8 has done just that.

Honorable mention: El Battallon/Texian Army, Houston Dynamo

Most Improved Supporters Section: Nordecke, Columbus Crew

Sure, for years when the Crew were terrible, everyone loved to rag on Columbus. They were a soccer mom town with only a few fans who were generally viewed as the laughingstock of the league. They have shed that label and while not yet in the company of Chicago, Toronto, DC, and Houston, Columbus is charging up the ladder and is an away trip to be reckoned with. The removal of seats at Crew Stadium consolidated the supporters groups and forced them to work past their various differences (seating preference, language, etc.). In many ways, this is the model of Section 8. Columbus mounted their first large-scale away trip in recent memory by sending a couple hundred fans to Chicago after the Fire sent a couple hundred fans to Ohio over 4th-of-July weekend.

Honorable mention: Loyalists, Real Salt Lake; Empire Supporters Club, Red Bull New York

Biggest Disappointment: DC United's South American cadre
In my preview piece, I boldly predicted that DC United would be the first team to win the Supporters Shield 3 years in a row. They finished 9th and failed to make the playoffs. Their vaunted South American signings from Argentina, Peru, and all other corners of the continent proved to be largely ineffective due to underperformance and injuries.

Honorable Mention: MLS Teams' performance in the CONCACAF Champions League.
DC United finished last in the group stages. New England and Chivas USA lost in the qualifying round to teams from Trinidad and Panama respectively. Only Houston has a chance to advance beyond the group stages.

Goal of the Year: Hard to vote against Cuauhtemoc Blanco's 35-yard blast against DC United.

Honorable mention: Danny Cepero, Red Bull New York for being the first Goalkeeper to ever score a goal in MLS.

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Fuckity fuck fuck

“Profanity is the common crutch of the conversational cripple.”
-David Keuck

Jeez, you guys. Way to bring down the level of discourse.

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Fucking Mason Fucking Crosby.

That's all.

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Fuck The Harbaugh Family

The tanned member of the family decided to play a cruel April Fools Day on the beloved alma mater. Now, the previously lesser known brother John decides to fuck with fantasy owners with his rotate a running back shit in Baltimoe (I mean, do I sound bitter that I left Willis McGahee's 112 yards and 2 TD's on the bench). So as a Willis McGahee fantasy owner and Marquette alum, I wish the Harbaughs many years of sitting on the hot seat and uncertainity about future employment (and hope that they decided to invest a lot of their money in American motor companies).

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Lock of the Week

I'm winless through nine weeks; the Lions are winless through nine weeks. So it's only appropriate that we should change our fortunes together on this Dedication of the Basilica of St. John Lateran in Rome Feast Day.

The Lions are getting 6.5 points against the disappointing Jaguars, led by cokehead and homophobe Matt Jones. The Lions will start the unretired Daunte Culpepper, whom I immediately expect to play like he did in 2000.

Starting today, I never get a pick wrong. Lions (+6.5) over the Jaguars--book it!

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We're Getting the Olympics

Upon Barack Obama's election, one of my first thoughts was "Well, there's no way Chicago isn't getting the Olympics now."

Seems the head of the Japanese Olympic Committee agrees with me.

Tokyo, Chicago, Rio de Janiero, and Madrid are the finalists. The selection of the 2016 host city occurs in 11 months.

U-S-A! U-S-A!

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New York Sports Fans Live Up To Every Stereotype You Ever Thought About Them

Deadspin linked to this article in the NY Post today about Derek Jeter being named the worst fielder at any position in the majors last year by the 2008 Fielding Bible. For those not named Vinnie, I'll let Bill James explain what the Fielding Bible is:

"They watched film of every major-league game, and had recorded every ball off the bat by the direction in which it was hit [the vector], the type of hit [groundball, flyball, line-drive, popup, etc.] and by how hard the ball was hit [softly hit, medium, hard hit]," according to James.

So, yeah. According to that system (which seems about as good, if not better than any other way of measuring defensive value), Derek Jeter's defense sucks. But, if you've been listening to me, Vinne or Zuch, you knew that already. The best part of this whole thing is the comments on the Post site from New Yorkers being exactly who and what you assumed they were. Some highlights:

BIG: Anyone who watches Baseball knows that this is the most ludicrous statement every posted by the Kings of ludicrous statements the pathetic NY Post. These cockroaches will doing anything to get people to read their 3rd grade level rag. If by chance you do think Derek Jeter is the worst fielder in Baseball than you are a pathetic, envious fool.

socalbob: I'VE WATCH JETER AT SHORT FOR A GREAT NUMBER OF YEARS. I MUST HAVE MISSED SOMETHING.

Go figure: Scouting the defensive abilities of any player takes a scout's eye, not some computer geek looking at some model on his laptop. There are so many different factors that go into determining how " good " a player is on defense that these " experts " wouldn't know if it smacked them in their pocket protectors.

For more of...that, click on the link and scroll to the bottom.

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