Trying to resolve the unresolvable debate: Watch me resolve it

At long last, the games of the XXIX Olympiad have ended, which means Bob Costas can return to HBO, Chris Collinsworth can return to being a condescending football analyst, the forced child labor that performed in the opening and closing ceremonies can return to their meager-paying day jobs, and of course, us sports fans can revert to our usual state of ignorance for track, swimming, and gymnastics.

That said, plenty of people will remain in denial for a time, insisting that the feats of Michael Fred Phelps have permanently instilled in them a love for competetive swimming or that Nastia Liukin's incredible grace and svelte physique awoke an unrealized appreciation for women's gymnastics and not just a perverse fascination with barely-legal coeds, a la certain sicko friends of mine. Inevitably, though, these same people--in spite of their best intentions--will find themselves opting for a June airing of NFL Live over the U.S. Indoor Track and Field Championships by next year.

I'm here to say: Don't feel guilty about it. You shouldn't find these competitions as entertaining or interesting as our beloved American team sports. For one, you didn't grow up on them like you grew up on baseball, and it's proven scientific fact that once we get beyond 18 months old or so, we lose the capacity to adopt new interests.

But that's not the only reason we don't truly enjoy Olympic events when the Olympic element is taken away. It's more fundamental. Sprinting, swimming, gymnastics, diving, wheightlifting, skulls--these things all lack complexity or strategy or brutality or some other trait that's so vital to the team sports we love. And although few people will admit it for fear of being labeled ignorant or fatheaded, I think we all know the truth: We lose interest in these events after the Olympics because they are not sports at all.

[8/25/08, 12am: I've made the decision to cut this post here for now because I'm getting tired and won't be able to finish tonight. I'll hopefully have the rest of this post in which I flesh out this lofty hypothesis by tomorrow night while it's still almost relevant or else just never finish it. It's not like anyone reads, so really, I shouldn't bother. Forget I even said anything. From now on, I'm going to bed at 10pm flat every night and never staying up to finish a post or otherwise interact with the outside world. You're hardly worth my valuable brain power, so go to hell.]