Read between the lines kids

Am I hearing this right? Are people actually convinced that T.O. has finally found a place where he will not cause trouble? Do they seriously think he’s going to simply go out on the field, play up to his potential in every game, and never complain about anything?

For some reason, the majority of the sports world is buying this. Well, in the fashion of that lame game on Around the Horn, I’m selling.

Remember, the Cowboys play in the toughest division in the NFC, which means they will lose some games. And we all know what happens when T.O.’s teams lose games. It sure as hell isn’t HIS fault.

The problem is that a lot of fans have not yet mastered the T.O. language. They still think when he says, “I’m happy in Dallas, and everything is going to be just fine” he actually means he’s happy in Dallas and everything will be just fine. Well, allow me to offer some translation for some of his recent comments. Then maybe everyone can see that drama in Dallas is as foreseeable as another Kurt Warner injury.

(On his new book) “I didn't want to bring any distractions into training camp, especially with a lot of new guys. I know what happened last year with a lot of things swirling around and things that happened in the past. My thing was to get it out there and get it over with and then move forward and concentrate on football.”

Translation: I can only hold so many controversies on my plate at once. With all these young fuckers and people I don’t know, I’m bound to cause some trouble before the regular season starts, and I’ve got to make sure I’ve got room for that.

(More on his book) “That was one of the main reasons I put the book out -- to basically give the fans in Philly, and really from afar, my explanation and my insight on really what happened. I just wanted to put something out there that's honest. It's not secondhand information. There is a number of people within the organization that can back me.”

Translation: Man, did I give Philly the finger or what? Just remember, I’m T.O. bitch! You want to trash me, I can put out a book saying you’re wrong. Go ahead, try saying something about me, I can have a room full of people ready in 30 minutes that will say you have sex with baby kittens.

“I think for so long, I was vulnerable. I'm a sensitive person; I'm an emotional person. I try to go out and be who I am, and I feel like it shows through the book.”

Translation: Assholes have feelings too, and I’m ready to blow at any minute if mine are hurt.

(On his two games against the Eagles this season) “I'm looking forward to it. I knew coming here, we played them twice a year. They knew that. I knew that. They just have to deal with it. I'm ready.”

Translation: You all think you’ve seen T.O. at his worst? Just wait. Just wait. Run me out of town…

(On his first choice for relocation) “(Atlanta) knew that I was on the market, but for whatever reason, they didn't pull the trigger…Definitely, I did look at Atlanta as a place to play, but unfortunately that didn't happen.”

Translation: I don’t get why the hell anyone wouldn’t want me…Man, I don’t want to be in Dallas.

“D. Hall is a great cornerback, who's very competitive. Take nothing from him, but we'll see each other this year.”

Translation: You all got your panties up in a bundle because he kept me out of the end zone last year. Well this year, I’m going to score on him and then I might piss in his Gatorade cup, just for good measure.

(On playing with Drew Bledsoe) “He had Keyshawn, and our games and our speed is a little bit different. There is an adjustment that he has to make there. That will be the purpose of training camp and throughout the course of the season. We can work on things and get better as a tandem.”

Translation: He better realize that he ain’t playing with that monkey ass-clown no more. I don’t need to write a book begging for the damn ball, because I’m the best damn receiver in the game. If you don’t figure out how to get me fifteen touches a game, you’re a goddamn idiot, and I’ll let you know that you’re a goddamn idiot.

(On playing under Bill Parcells) “As far as our personalities clashing, I don't really see that happening”

Translation: That fat ass will stay out of T.O.’s way and let T.O. play football the way T.O. wants to play football…T.O.

“I've had many conversations to date with Bill and Jerry Jones. I think right now we are just going to let the season play out.”

Translation: I’m a tumor, I’m a tumor, I’m a tumor…I’m a tumor, I’m a tumor, I’m a tumor, hey, hey…I’m a tumor.